My heart.
I don't know if it will ever be the same.
It is not how it was, but it is not different. It is merely more experienced, more understanding, more loving. I know now not just what it is to love, but how it is to love. I now know how it feels to be crushed, cradled, and consumed by love, and therefore my heart now knows no boundaries. My heart has more love to give, more feeling to hand out, and more happiness to share.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am rudely awoken to the sound of my alarm clock going off at 5:45 in the morning. I am about to go back to sleep when I remember, it's the first day of high school! My mood improves instantly, as I shoot out of bed and rush to the bathroom to get ready. I do have to be quiet though because I have eight younger siblings living in the house. My two older siblings, Ryder and Beth, left for college two years ago, and I have only seen them a couple of times since then. I am actually the only reason either of the twins come to visit at all. They are both "rebels" as my mother likes to call them, but they also love me very much.
Talon and Pheonix are twins, and they are eleven, William and Kendall are eight, Grace is six, Able and Abby are two, and Hanah is almost three months. As you can see, twins are a very strong gene in my family.
I quickly take a shower and then wash and dry my long, blonde hair. After I finish styling my bangs, brushing my teeth, and washing my face—no I don't wear makeup—I put on a light pink long-sleeved crop top. The crop top isn't short though, it's right under my belly button, and it's loose. I wouldn't wear it, but Beth made me promise to.
I pair it with white, high waisted jeggings. You know, jeggings? They look like jeans, but are actually leggings? Whatever. I check on each one of my little sisters and brothers to make sure they are still asleep. Hanah woke up four hours prior, at around 1:20. That was a rough one.
Abby and Abel are still awake. Goodness, gracious, these children are going to be the death of me.
"Abel? Abby? Why are you still awake?" I ask as sweetly as possible. I do not want tantrum-throwing toddlers at six am. Too late. Abel starts crying, and Abby is soon to follow. I pick them up and start rocking and bouncing them.
"Shh shh shhh. shh shh shhh, shh shh shh shh shhh," I sing to the tune of Jingle Belles. I sing them a few songs, traditional lullabies, and some hymns. The radio is always on in our house, so we usually listen to church music.
Finally, I get them back to sleep and can really start my day.
<>
I head downstairs to find my mom making pancakes. I love pancakes.
"Good morning my Clare Baby, how are you, sweety?" My mom asks as I basically float towards the magical smell of pancakes. Did I mention that I love pancakes? Because I do. I think God made pancakes as a peace offering to all humans, and we graciously accepted.
"I am absolutely perfect Mommy," I blush, realizing that saying "Mommy" was not something I should still be doing at fifteen. "I mean Mom," I say.
"Oh it's fine honey, I called your grandmother Mommy until I was seventeen," She smiles as if remembering a sweet memory. "Anyways Clarabelle, would you like some pancakes?"
"That shouldn't even be a question," I laugh as my mom fills my plate high with pancakes. I eat them slowly, savoring each bite. "Mmh" I moan, eating the last off my plate. Pancakes are definitely a gift sent from heaven. I look at the stove clock and see that it is 6:47. Fudgesickles, I think to myself, I have to catch the bus.
"Bye Mom!" I shout as I run out the door, "Love you!"
"Love you too, my sweet girl." My mom smiles.
<>
"Clarabelle!" I hear my best—and only—friend shout. Well, I do have one other friend, but I haven't seen her since we were nine. Her name's Madilyne, and we still chat all of the time. Like a pen pal.
"Layla! I missed you." I tell her as she pulls me in for the tightest hug she could muster. During summer break, I have to take care of all of my little siblings because my mother is always gone. All. Summer. Long. But the only reason I am complaining is that I always miss her when she is gone. I love taking care of my siblings, and all of my eight brothers and sisters love me taking care of them.
We compared classes and we share three. As we were talking, we got interrupted by the first bell signaling the start of the first period.
I get woken up to the annoying sound of my alarm clock screaming at me.
"Elec! Wake up, dumb fuck!" I hear my older brother shout from the hall.
"Why?" I ask groggily.
"It's the first day of school, that why. Are you really that stupid?"
"No, I'm just smart enough to make myself forget."
I lay in bed for a few more minutes before getting up to take a shower. After my shower, I brush my teeth, then put on black jeans, a black shirt, and a black leather jacket that has intricate gold designs and says "Shrading" on the back. Also in gold. Real gold. How they put real gold into clothing, I will never know. I drag myself down the "elegant" staircase, as my parents like to call it. I open the fridge and drink some milk out of the carton, then I grab a protein bar and try to make it out of the house without being seen. Mission: Failed.
"Well good morning Elec!" says the annoying voice that belongs to my mother. "Do you have all of your stuff, darling?"
"Of course I have my stuff, I'm fucking sixteen, and going to be seventeen in a few months. I think I might be able to care for myself better than a damn five-year-old. Have you hit your head? Or are you just stupid?" I say sarcastically. I know it was a little too much, but I didn't want to have to talk to her.
"Elec! That is no way you should talk to your mother! Actually no, that is no way-" She starts, but I interrupt her.
"Lalala, I don't want to hear it, Eva," I roll my eyes. I've been calling her Eva all week, and it's really pissing her off. Calling her Eva does come with a lot of unwanted conversations that I can't always escape from, so I'm going to stop in about a month or two. That's usually when she stops trying, but then she gets mad all over again because I didn't stop when she wanted me to. After that, it's another lecture about how to stop acting like a four-year-old. So worth it though.
"You will call me Mom or Mother, do you understand me?" I can tell she is trying to look intimidating but is failing miserably.
"Whatever," I say and slam the front door behind me.
"Alright Elec, what are we doing today?" Askes my older brother, Ethan.
"Mmh, how about this week I take Ferrari and you take BMW, then rotate, with you taking the motorcycle on Fridays, and me on Mondays," I respond after thinking for a little while.
"Wow," Ethan says, rolling his eyes, "You got this all planned out don't ya?" He smirks.
"Yeah, sure, I wrote it down last year when I was supposed to be in Algebra 2." I roll my eyes back. Ethan chuckles and shakes his head.
"That wasn't even funny. Nice try though." He gets into the BMW and rides off.
<>
I ride the Ferrari to school and then meet up with my friends Dylan, Zeke, Hunter, and Alex in the hallway.
"Dude, did you actually fuck Melanie again?" Dylan asks as I walk up to them. He is literally sex on legs. It's all the guy will talk about. "I got laid" "I need to get laid" "Did you get laid?" "Let's all go to a party and get laid"
"It's the first time you have seen me in three weeks, and the first thing you asked me is if I fucked Melanie?" I laugh, and Hunter joins me. "And to answer your question, yes I fucked her. Hell, half the school has fucked her." I remind him.
"Well for the record, you've fucked half the school too," He slaps his hand on my shoulder.
"God, don't remind me." Alex groans and Zeke laughs. I just roll my eyes. "Also, all of us have girlfriends. Am I the only one who doesn't cheat?"
The rest of us look at each other and nod our heads.
"Yup."
"Pretty much."
"Basically."
"I think so, yeah."
"Oh my God. What is wrong with you guys?" Alex shakes his head.
The bell rings and I head to my first class of the day. Well, not really. I never have to pay attention because my rich ass parents pay for a fucking private tutor. I walk into the class three minutes late, on purpose, and can't help but notice a cute girl in the front of the class listing attentively to the teacher. She really is adorable. I mentally curse myself for using the words cute and adorable. Cute and adorable are not words that Elec Shrading use, and I'd like to keep it that way.
The entire class I am either on my phone or watching the girl, which could easily be mistaken for me watching the teacher. Class ends and I see the girl talking with her friend. Probably comparing notes or something.
It's what nerds are known to do, but maybe not because this is the first nerd I've seen that has the body of a fucking playgirl.
She probably doesn't even know what a playgirl is. I roll my eyes at my inner jerk, who is the strongest of my two sides.
Of course, she knows what a playgirl is, my 10-year-old sister knows what a playgirl is. I wonder what she-
"No you don't dummy, stop thinking about her and corner her!" My subconscious yells. My subconscious also tells me to make it to the roof before anyone makes me go to my next class, and I choose to listen to him.