PAST
JOURNAL ENTRY NO. 3
MAY 15, 1946
I was debating whether to continue writing or not—but Dr. Lou made a good point that I shall not be burdened by this journal. She advised me simply write when I feel like it or feel the need for it. This time, I just feel that it would a good chance to write again.
I was discharged in the hospital early March and after that, I only meet Dr. Chester whenever I go to the hospital because of Dr. Lou. I'm physically all better now and my mind is doing better, too.
The past weeks have been the busiest times of my life right after the hospital. I'm starting anew...
••••••••••
"Sir Yuan! The Office of the Mayor just called and they said he was delighted with our letter. According to his secretary, the mayor is more willing to collaborate with your current project. He's going to grant us our business permit..."
That's the good news I've been waiting for all week. All the stress and hard work are really worth every shot. Our plans are finally coming into life.
It was the first week of March when I was finally allowed to be discharged out of the hospital. Back then, I was really hesitant and clueless of what I am about to do next. I didn't expect that finally going back and facing reality will be more difficult than what I thought. I simply had one plan in my mind and it was the only thing I could think of—I wanted to resign from my post.
The first place I went to was our military base. I really wanted to go home but I need to follow protocols and regulations foremost anything else. It's for everyone's safety and I can't put my family in any danger anymore. It's better that I never return to them.
For the months that I've spent in the hospital where all I can think of is my own recovery, nobody in my family knew what really happened to me—for sure, they already received the notice that I died during the last moments of war. It was the rightest thing to do for them if I want to keep them safe.
No one should really know that I am alive.
"Are you about this, staff sergeant?"
That was the only question my general asked me and when I approved without hesitation, I was signed off my post. I'm no longer the same man I was and I can freely live my life as long as no one knows that I'm alive and well.
Good thing I am already in the place where I can stay and start anew.
Barbara, my assistant, informs me again that she already made appointment so we can meet with the mayor for our collaboration. I thanked her and told her that she can go home early today.
Today is already in the month of May. For the past two months and with all the money that I have, I busied myself into creating the facility that would help save lives. Even if I retired from being a military, it doesn't mean that I ended my passion of saving lives. It's just that this time, I can do it without violence.
My team and I are finally into the last stages of our public school—a school that provides free education for all. A school that can finally bring free knowledge for everyone who wants to acquire it from a formal setting.
I just know that with everything that we've started now, we will save and change lives. I know this will succeed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
"I know that with your initiative, Mr. Vincent, more people will be keen to education. We've been wanting to have this in our city for the longest of time and yet we were always discouraged that it is impossible. All we really needed is someone like you that will believe in it."
I couldn't thank the mayor enough for his support. He was genuinely happy for this our team's project and initiative and I really can't be happier than this.
We proceeded to presenting more ideas and more possibilities and the mayor welcomed every idea that we had. We even had to take more of his time and he insisted that we continue on—he said that it what we have is more urgent than what he has to accomplish today.
"Sir Yuan, can I share something to you?"
We're already on our way back to our office when my assistant finally speaks up. "Of course."
She seemed hesitant but she breathes in and out to calm herself. "I don't mean to offend anyone about these thoughts that I had the first time but I promise that after this meeting, I understood better and my opinions before are now non-existent."
Barbara went on to tell me how she felt that this arrangement with the mayor is too good to be true, that with how good this is—she felt like something bad will happen. But upon meeting the mayor and talking to him, she immediately changed what she thought about him because she felt how genuine he is.
"He's like a real father to everyone, sir."
I chuckled to that and agreed. "I know what you mean because I felt it, too."
Perhaps being part of the military with the sole purpose of saving lives without causing violence made me have this somehow talent to easy read people. Accessing everyone with the killer instincts during the war was helpful and I didn't know that I still have it with me.
I'd be stupid if I deny that I thought of the same thing as my assistant. I really want to have the mayor's approval with our plans but when he was "too" enthusiastic about our idea—I was so wrong to judge him because it really did feel too good to be true. Somehow, I was waiting for a catch but there really is none.
The mayor is really the father of this city.
I'll be happy to work with him more with this project.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Receiving the mayor's approval and permit, the next thing that we had to accomplish is recruiting our teachers and staff. It wasn't easy but I really admire the people of this city to be as enthusiastic as everyone for the whole idea of free education for all. They are helping us and are already telling us they want to enroll their children.
We are already expecting and preparing for backlash and conflicts especially to the already established private schools here. But to our most surprise, they were all willing to assist us as to the mayor's request. I am already in the talks with various school heads and principals for how they will be of help.
We just really need to finish up with our recruitments and this fairly reminds me of I met my assistant.
Barbara was the first woman I met after going of the hospital. Our first meeting wasn't the smoothest way of meeting at all—she almost hit me with her car. Good thing that everything was a lot smoother and less deadly after that. I told her about not knowing what to do and she help me find what I can next. She insisted to be of help and I gladly accepted her offer.
Speaking of Barbara, she came running into my office to inform me that the mayor is here with her wife.
"There you are, Sir Yuan! We've been planning to visit and we do apologize for not calling first."
I smiled and shook his hand. "No problem, Mr. Mayor, Mrs. Mayor."
The lovely lady smiled at me and pats my arm. "Thank you for this wonderful gift to our city, Mr. Yuan."
The mayor lovingly looked at his wife and I immediately get how much they love each other. Barbara and I shared looks too, both thinking of the same thing.
Aside from meeting the possible teachers today for the interview, I had the time to tour the mayor and his wife within the whole facility. It's only a simple school today that can only cater elementary students but I do hope—I'm already claiming it—that we can expand more in the coming years.
"My wife is very interested to be the one to donate the books you'll need, Sir Yuan. She has this incredible love for books and I know that soon enough she'll talk with you about a library."
After the tour and after sending the couple out, it was my time to go to the interview but—
"I see you're doing something very worthwhile, Sir Vincent."
My heart... my heart is beating too hard on my chest right now and it's all because I finally see Nurse L again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The night before I was discharged, I had a conversation with a child patient. I was about to return to my room that day from the garden when she stopped me. I thought she would ask me to help her go back to her nurse but, instead, she asked me a question.
She asked me who was my first love.
Receiving a question like that from a five-year old girl and accepting it as myself who's old enough but haven't had the chance to admire anyone before—it was tough giving an answer. She was really hopeful to receive a name for an answer and I didn't want to disappoint her.
The first name that I had in mind was Nurse L's.
That was the exact moment that I realized whatever I have for Nurse L was starting to grow more than just simple friendship—more than being simply grateful that he saved my life and it scared the hell out of me.
Loving a man when you a man yourself...
It was something that I already know possible, but I didn't expect it to experience it myself. It was all new to me, it was scary... but I didn't want to lose it. I may be afraid of it because it was something new, but I want to understand it better. The society thinks it's wrong and taboo and yet I, myself, never felt it be something wrong. In fact, I never felt something so right in my life.
Loving someone—regardless of their gender—is never be wrong as long as you are not stepping on someone in the process.
I don't want to lose this realization. I don't want to lose whatever I have towards Nurse L.
It's nothing different when it comes to liking a woman just because I am a man and it is supposed to be like that. It's not like I'm just grateful to him.
I know that I like Nurse L. Romantically.
Nurse L is my first real love.
I know my own heart wouldn't be wrong about this.
"Are you still mad at me for being dumb? I'm really sorry, you know." Nurse L starts to apologize again and that cut my line of thoughts. He's even pouting.
He's still apologizing for what he thought was his dumb move. He insisted that we remain in touch, but the problem was that he was constantly moving places and I was to be discharged then and to find my own place. In short, it was really our both dumb move that we really didn't think "keeping in touch" through.
I chuckle and shake my head. "You're here now and that's more important. Thank you for finding me."
Still pouting, he finally sat with me again. We're here in the bench just in front of the soon playground of the school. The only available in this field yet is the swing and these couple of benches around it.
"I really did want to experience exchanging letters with someone. I blew it because I didn't think that it would be hard with someone who constantly moves around even before your answer would reach me."
With the direct sunlight touching Nurse L's face, I am able to appreciate more of his beauty. His soft facial features that I guess will forever be his asset. I had to look away as immediately as I could and focus on someone else.
This foreign feeling that I'm starting to accept should be kept. Just because I know I like him doesn't mean he would be same as I am. I don't want to push him away just because I'm accepting and trying something new.
"Why did you do that?"
"Do what?" I kept looking at the swing.
"Look away. Why did you have to look away like that, Sir Vincent?"
My heart beating as hard as this will be the death of me. I faced him again. "You're beautiful, Nurse L, it's distracting me."
I wasn't kidding when I told him that and I even prepared myself if he gets weirded out—but then he laughs. His head thrown back from laughing hard.
"I-I'm sorry..." He wipes his happy tears as he calms down. "No one's ever called me beautiful, you know." He smiles and teasingly nudges me. "Thank you."
Having Nurse L as close as this made me realize that admiring someone can be easy and anyone can really have it regardless of everything else in the world. When you like someone... you just like them as to how you want. It was really possible to like another man when you are a man yourself.
"Yuan..."
That made me smile widely. "You finally call me by my first name again."
I'm not imagining it. Nurse L's ears are red. "C-Can I come here again?"
"Of course, you didn't have to ask—"
I was enveloped by his embrace... Nurse L is hugging me... My heart is really going to be the death of me by this point.