PAST
JOURNAL ENTRY NO. 02
FEBRUARY 27, 1946
I was meaning to write this earlier but my condition didn't allow me to. I thought I was okay—mentally okay—but, like what we expected, I wasn't. Good thing that Dr. Lou has her ways of making me okay, making me stable. I'm doing better now thankfully.
Dr. Chester and the nurses helped me a lot improving my physical state. The best improvement that I have now is that I'm regaining my weight and that I am walking. At first, the nurses wanted to give me a haircut. I was okay with it but they didn't push through it because I think they enjoyed combing my hair. It's almost up to my shoulder now. I've never grown my hair this long before.
As for Nurse L, the person who saved my life, I'm still looking forward to seeing him in all the chances I can get...
••••••••••
"Do you feel any other pain?"
I shook my head. "No, doc."
Dr. Chester nods and proceeds to writing all his observations for today. It's my check-up and according to him, I can really be discharged anytime because of how good my improvements have become. But we both know that it really isn't about my physical aspect now.
I am really supposed to be discharged last month because they didn't find any physical complication anymore. Though the holes in my body are still under observation, it could have been done in weekly visits in the hospital. But then my body isn't the problem anymore, it's my mind.
Post-traumatic stress disorder or PSTD. It was common for everyone who came from war to experience that. Not only the soldiers but literally everyone. I am one of the few lucky ones to only have mild panic attacks every now and then. Dr. Lou has her way of handling me and I'm thankful that I'm getting better thanks to her efforts.
As much as possible, like what Dr. Lou has advised, I am to not think about anything related to what happened to me without her. She said the best way we have is that I have her to listen to me. It helped me a lot and I understood the need of someone listening.
Nurse Tulip, one of my attending nurses, knocks and comes in. "All done, doc?"
"Nice timing, Nurse Tulip, we just finished the check-up." Dr. Chester puts down his chart and looks at me. "Make sure to eat more, Sir Vincent. Your improvements are always better from the last and I know you'll leave in no time."
"You just want me gone, doc." I joked.
He laughs. "Of course, I want you out of here! You're taking all my time and it's becoming unfair to my other patients. I don't want you to become my favorite patient."
I grin to that. "I am already your favorite patient."
He chuckles and shoos me away. "Go on, Nurse Tulip. Take this man away before I inject something on his ass."
I can already walk so we didn't need to use any wheelchairs anymore but Nurse Tulip, of course, is still with me to assist me. It wasn't lunch time so I asked if she would take me to the hospital gardens to which she agreed upon.
This free space on the side of the hospital is not a garden before, according to the nurses, and it was just a blank landscape that nobody has ever given attention to. Until some of the patients took interest with it and along with some of their family members, they volunteered to plant flowering plants in here. Many have donated and followed the initiative until eventually, it became the garden it is now that the patients love to go to.
I never really took interest in things like this but just like any other patient who come here, it was a place to be at peace. The flowers sure do have a thing for helping someone relieve their stress. It's also a plus that I get to talk to other people in here.
"You're here too!" The grandma cancer patient immediately said after seeing me. "Good morning!"
Nurse Tulip pats me on the back and told me she'd be with grandma's nurse on the side. I nod and thank her.
I wave to grandma. "Good morning, ma'am. Can I sit with you?"
She pats the free space of the bench. "Of course! How are you? I haven't seen you here in a week." She explains to me that it was because she was bedridden for the whole week.
I sat beside her. "I'm good to be discharged but I'm still not stable enough to be out there, ma'am. How about you? Are feeling better?"
"I'm not even sure myself about that." She laughs. "But at least I can be here now."
Grandma was the first friend I had through this garden. I wasn't necessarily bad at communicating with others but I would say that I was out of practice and I was a little awkward. Socializing in a casual manner with people at first was a little something different for me. Must have been a minor side effect for sleeping for more than half a year. For me it was different from talking to the doctors and nurses even though in reality it doesn't have much of a difference. Grandma helped me to be at ease and regain my confidence again to talking to others aside from the hospital personnel.
We didn't say much for a while because both of us were simply staring at the flowers around us.
"Does you head hurt?" She then asks.
I smiled to the question. "Sometimes, ma'am."
"PSTD, isn't it?" She chuckles but her smile is bitter. "You remind me so much of my late husband."
I offered to her that I can listen if she wants to tell me about him and she gladly say she would love that.
Her husband was a soldier like me but he was one during the first world war. He wasn't supposed to be one, she said, but their city needed every able man to join the troops. She tried her best to convince him out of it but it's not like they really had a choice.
"It's not like I can deny it to him in the first place—it would be like denying him his identity. He was part of the marines, you see, even before the war broke. He just resigned from his post the day we decided to marry because he didn't want us to have a complicated life together. That war... It was like a calling to him. Even if the city didn't require every man to join, we both knew that he would be there."
She told me that nothing was easy from then on. How can even one sleep with knowing that their other half's life is in danger? Every day she dreaded to receive news about his husband and even though she believes that nothing will happen, she conditioned herself for the worst. She needed to be strong when the time comes.
"But then he returned." She chuckles. "All damaged but perfectly intact. I had my husband back but not a day after, they came and explained to me how my husband needed to be in an institute for further treatment. You can imagine how mad I was."
I smiled, too. "I can easily imagine that. But, ma'am, you knew it was for the better, right?"
"That I did." I noticed that she is unconsciously playing with the wedding band on her finger. "I would always ask him if his head hurts even after his therapy and he will always give me a smile. He would say that seeing me every day was enough to calm him down, that his heart was at home."
I never had a connection with anyone like that but it was like I can feel her love for him with her words. It was something beautiful to feel.
"Sir Vincent?"
I turned to whoever called me—it was Nurse L. He politely greeted us with the flower pot in his hands.
My heart is immediately in an abnormal pace of hard beating in my chest. I had to swallow. I just saw Nurse L and I'm already being a mess again!
Grandma nudges me and gives me a subtle but knowing smile. "I'm heading back in now and do accompany this handsome young man." She even gives me a wink!
Grandma's nurse assisted her and Nurse Tulip said she'll leave me for a while since I have Nurse L with me. I'm suddenly all nervous.
"Can I sit with you?"
"Of course." I only noticed that he was still holding the pot. "What plant is that?"
"Peace rose." He smiles and places the pot by our feet. "It hasn't flowered yet but when it does, it should bear a of light primrose flower with blush pink tips." He turns to me. "How are you feeling, Sir Vincent?"
That smile of his was enough for me to okay again—to be calm. There is still a hint of my nervousness but I'm happier now that he is here.
"I'm better. Almost."
He beams. "That's a great news."
We are both looking now at the flowers but I couldn't help myself to steal glances at him. The wind softly blows on us and we were suddenly filled with the fragrance of the flowers. He looks so at peace that I didn't want to break our silence.
It makes me little disappointed that he isn't a full-time nurse in this hospital. It would be nice to see him in here every day like this.
He's a nurse but he prefers to be outside, working on the field. He focuses more on volunteer works but still accepts work in here at hospital when urgently needed. He works for various groups on providing healthcare. He mentioned once that he truly enjoys working for and with children. Work must be easy with him around; one proof is that everyone in here likes him.
He still visits me even though he isn't really required to do so. I appreciate him for that and for telling me all about what's happening outside this hospital. He had me looking forward for his stories for me.
I will not address this in any way further because I know this is wrong but it doesn't mean that it is easier for me to just keep it. I have grown an affection for him and I know I could be in jail for this crime. But it's not like I can stop myself from this either. This is the only explanation I have for these foreign feelings I have whenever we meet—the nervousness, the fast beating of my heart... It's like I am a teenager all over again.
I've never met a person—a man—like him that caught my attention like this.
"I don't think I'll be able to visit for the coming months, Sir Vincent. I'll be volunteering more on the neighboring cities."
"I know you'll do good. Just always be careful though." I smile and nod. "I'd be discharge then, hopefully."
He turns to me, suddenly hope was in his eyes like he realized something. "Of course, you'd be discharged by then! I want to see you!"
That made me laugh. "You can see me whenever, Nurse L."
"I mean..." He clears his throat but his cheeks betray him, he's already blushing. "I mean..."
My heart—my heart is beating abnormally again like it wants to get out of my chest.
I chuckle. "We can meet then. We just have to keep in touch."
His smile is contagious. "Please, I really want us to be able to meet more in the future."
"Are you planning to keep on track of me so you'll be sure I wouldn't waste the second chance you gave me?" I joke, grinning.
That made him really laugh. "That's a nice way of putting things. I just really want to meet you again."
"I'd love that." I didn't know I said that out loud until he was already staring at me. "I-I mean—"
If anyone would have told me I'll be experiencing this kind of moment, I would have laughed at them. Never, even in my dreams, thought I'll be having this feeling of lightness with anyone. This wholesome awkwardness between us... I'll forever treasure this.
He smiles and shows me his pinky finger. "Promise me we'll meet again."
It felt like we're kids again, I did the pinky promise with him. "I promise. Let's meet again."