Maybe that's too harsh; maybe it isn't. It's not black and white like most things, it's a grey area. I didn't want her to die, I know that part is true at least. But either way, Freya is dead because of me. She may have pushed me to the limit, but she didn't deserve to die. Especially not the way she did.
My mind is a jumbled mess and as soon as I get off the bus I run. Leaving my thoughts behind, I pound the tarmac. My strides are uneven and heavy, slowing me down. I don't care, I just have to keep going. If I stop now, I'm scared I won't be able to move again. I'll be frozen over with guilt, icy fingers grasping at my pale flesh. Would it be what I deserve? Do I deserve to die? It's not like I wanted her dead, but no matter how you look at it, I was the cause of her death. Stop it, stop it, stop it! I can't think about this anymore, I shouldn't have gone home. It was a ridiculous idea.
My phone rings, but I decline the call without checking who it is. It rings again, buzzing insistently. "Just leave me alone!" I beg.
"Jess? Are you ok? I'm sorry, I just wanted to check you were ok." She sounds hurt.
"I'm sorry, I just. I can't do this, Chloe!" My breath catches and I curl up on the pavement, drenched in a mixture of rain and sweat.
"Woah, woah, woah! Slow down, Jess. Take deep breaths, ok? I'm here." I don't answer her, but try to compose myself at least a bit. "Jess, have you gone? Jess, please don't go. You need to talk to someone, ok?"
"I'm here." I croak.
"Oh, thank god! Why don't you go for a run or something?"
"I was running a second ago."
"Oh, ok. Umm..."
"Don't worry, I'm fine."
"You aren't very good at lying, you know?"
"Oh. Sorry."
"Don't apologise."
"Ok, I uh- I should go." I hang up before she says otherwise.
Drained of all energy, I find it hard carrying my weary self back to Dad's house. It's only one pm, so he won't be back for hours yet. I collapse on the couch and find my phone flooded with messages. Some from hours ago.
Zack: hope you're ok x
Me: super sorry for the late reply! it's been a long day. hope you're ok x
Zack: don't avoid my question, you can talk to me x
Me: im fine thanks x
Zack: that's good, glad you're doing well! missing you :(
Me: you're new and hardly know me, how can you possibly miss me?
Zack: you make it possible
Me: i think you're complimenting me... so, thank you?
Zack: that was supposed to be a compliment yeah, you're welcome :)
Me: apparently a compliment isn't valid if the person has to explain it
Zack: sooo kinda like a bad joke? if you have to explain it, then it's pretty rubbish
Me: nooooooo!! i always have to explain my jokes, but i can guarantee they are hilarious
Zack: i guess i'll have to wait and see to find that out
Me: sure! XD
Zack: see ya! XD
Texting him has filled my tummy with butterflies despite the horrible morning. But the scary thing is, I think I might like him...