Mariam had never before worn a burqa. Rasheed had to help her put it on. The padded headpiece
felt tight and heavy on her skull, and it was strange seeing the world through a mesh screen. She
practiced walking around her room in it and kept stepping on the hem and stumbling. The loss of
peripheral vision was unnerving, and she did not like the suffocating way the pleated cloth kept
pressing against her mouth.
"You'll get used to it," Rasheed said. "With time, I bet you'll even like it."
They took a bus to a place Rasheed called the Shar-e-Nau Park, where children pushed each other
on swings and slapped volleyballs over ragged nets tied to tree trunks. They strolled together and
watched boys fly kites, Mariam walking beside Rasheed, tripping now and then on the burqa's hem.
For lunch, Rasheed took her to eat in a small kebab house near a mosque he called the Haji Yaghoub.
The floor was sticky and the air smoky. The walls smelled faintly of raw meat and the music, which
Rasheed described to her aslogari, was loud. The cooks were thin boys who fanned skewers with one
hand and swatted gnats with the other. Mariam, who had never been inside a restaurant, found it odd
at first to sit in a crowded room with so many strangers, to lift her burqa to put morsels of food into
her mouth. A hint of the same anxiety as the day at the tandoor stirred in her stomach, but Rasheed's
presence was of some comfort, and, after a while, she did not mind so much the music, the smoke,
even the people. And the burqa, she learned to her surprise, was also comforting. It was like a one-
way window. Inside it, she was an observer, buffered from the scrutinizing eyes of strangers. She no
longer worried that people knew, with a single glance, all the shameful secrets of her past.
On the streets, Rasheed named various buildings with authority; this is the American Embassy, he
said, that the Foreign Ministry. He pointed to cars, said their names and where they were made:
Soviet Volgas, American Chevrolets, German Opels.
"Which is your favorite?" he asked
Mariam hesitated, pointed to a Volga, and Rasheed laughed
Kabul was far more crowded than the little that Mariam had seen of Herat. There were fewer trees
and fewergaris pulled by horses, but more cars, taller buildings, more traffic lights and more paved
roads. And everywhere Mariam heard the city's peculiar dialect: "Dear" wasjon insteadof jo, "sister"
becamehamshira instead ofhamshireh, and so on.
From a street vendor, Rasheed bought her ice cream. It was the first time she'd eaten ice cream and
Mariam had never imagined that such tricks could be played on a palate. She devoured the entire
bowl, the crushed-pistachio topping, the tiny rice noodles at the bottom. She marveled at the
bewitching texture, the lapping sweetness of it.They walked on to a place called Kocheh-Morgha, Chicken Street. It was a narrow, crowded bazaar
in a neighborhood that Rasheed said was one of Kabul's wealthier ones.
"Around here is where foreign diplomats live, rich businessmen, members of the royal family-that
sort of people. Not like you and me."
"I don't see any chickens," Mariam said.
"That's the one thing you can't find on Chicken Street." Rasheed laughed
The street was lined with shops and little stalls that sold lambskin hats and rainbow-
coloredchapans. Rasheed stopped to look at an engraved silver dagger in one shop, and, in another, at
an old rifle that the shopkeeper assured Rasheed was a relic from the first war against the British.
"And I'm Moshe Dayan," Rasheed muttered. He half smiled, and it seemed to Mariam that this was a
smile meant only for her. A private, married smile.
They strolled past carpet shops, handicraft shops, pastry shops, flower shops, and shops that sold
suits for men and dresses for women, and, in them, behind lace curtains, Mariam saw young girls
sewing buttons and ironing collars. From time to time, Rasheed greeted a shopkeeper he knew,
sometimes in Farsi, other times in Pashto. As they shook hands and kissed on the cheek, Mariam stood
a few feet away. Rasheed did not wave her over, did not introduce her.
He asked her to wait outside an embroidery shop. "I know the owner," he said. "I'll just go in for a
minute, say mysalaam. "
Mariam waited outside on the crowded sidewalk. She watched the cars crawling up Chicken Street,
threading through the horde of hawkers and pedestrians, honking at children and donkeys who
wouldn't move. She watched the bored-looking merchants inside their tiny stalls, smoking, or spitting
into brass spittoons, their faces emerging from the shadows now and then to peddle textiles and fur-
collaredpoosiincoats to passersby.
But it was the women who drew Mariam's eyes the most.
The women in this part of Kabul were a different breed from the women in the poorer
neighborhoods-like the one where she and Rasheed lived, where so many of the women covered
fully. These women were-what was the word Rasheed had used?-"modern." Yes, modern Afghan
women married to modern Afghan men who did not mind that their wives walked among strangers
with makeup on their faces and nothing on their heads. Mariam watched them cantering uninhibited
down the street, sometimes with a man, sometimes alone, sometimes with rosy-cheeked children who
wore shiny shoes and watches with leather bands, who walked bicycles with high-rise handlebars
and gold-colored spokes-unlike the children in Deh-Mazang, who bore sand-fly scars on their cheeks
and rolled old bicycle tires with sticks.
These women were all swinging handbags and rustling skirts. Mariam even spotted one smoking
behind the wheel of a car. Their nails were long, polished pink or orange, their lips red as tulips.They walked in high heels, and quickly, as if on perpetually urgent business. They wore dark
sunglasses, and, when they breezed by, Mariam caught a whiff of their perfume. She imagined that
they all had university degrees, that they worked in office buildings, behind desks of their own, where
they typed and smoked and made important telephone calls to important people. These women
mystified Mariam. They made her aware of her own lowliness, her plain looks, her lack of
aspirations, her ignorance of so many things.
Then Rasheed was tapping her on the shoulder and handing her something here.
It was a dark maroon silk shawl with beaded fringes and edges embroidered with gold thread
"Do you like it?"
Mariam looked up. Rasheed did a touching thing then. He blinked and averted her gaze.
Mariam thought of Jalil, of the emphatic, jovial way in which he'd pushed his jewelry at her, the
overpowering cheerfulness that left room for no response but meek gratitude. Nana had been right
about Mil's gifts. They had been halfhearted tokens of penance, insincere, corrupt gestures meant
more for his own appeasement than hers. This shawl, Mariam saw, was a true gift.
"It's beautiful," she said.
* * *
That night, Rasheed visited her room again. But instead of smoking in the doorway, he crossed the
room and sat beside her where she lay on the bed. The springs creaked as the bed tilted to his side.
There was a moment of hesitation, and then his hand was on her neck, his thick fingers slowly
pressing the knobs in the back of it. His thumb slid down, and now it was stroking the hollow above
her collarbone, then the flesh beneath it. Mariam began shivering. His hand crept lower still, lower,
his fingernails catching in the cotton of her blouse.
"I can't," she croaked, looking at his moonlit profile, his thick shoulders and broad chest, the tufts of
gray hair protruding from his open collar.
His hand was on her right breast now, squeezing it hard through the blouse, and she could hear him
breathing deeply through the nose.
He slid under the blanket beside her. She could feel his hand working at his belt, at the drawstring of
her trousers. Her own hands clenched the sheets in fistfuls. He rolled on top of her, wriggled and
shifted, and she let out a whimper. Mariam closed her eyes, gritted her teeth.
The pain was sudden and astonishing. Her eyes sprang open. She sucked air through her teeth and bit
on the knuckle of her thumb. She slung her free arm over Rasheed's back and her fingers dug at his
shirt.
Rasheed buried his face into her pillow, and Mariam stared, wide-eyed, at the ceiling above his shoulder, shivering, lips pursed, feeling the heat of his quick breaths on her shoulder. The air between
them smelled of tobacco, of the onions and grilled lamb they had eaten earlier. Now and then, his ear
rubbed against her cheek, and she knew from the scratchy feel that he had shaved it.
When it was done, he rolled off her, panting. He dropped his forearm over his brow. In the dark, she
could see the blue hands of his watch. They lay that way for a while, on their backs, not looking at
each other.
"There is no shame in this, Mariam," he said, slurring a little. "It's what married people do. It's what
the Prophet himself and his wives did There is no shame."
A few moments later, he pushed back the blanket and left the room, leaving her with the impression
of his head on her pillow, leaving her to wait out the pain down below, to look at the frozen stars in
the sky and a cloud that draped the face of the moon like a wedding veil.