I tried to pass the time without addressing the growing dread forming in my stomach. The silence filled the room and made it hard to breathe. The only thing that could make this bearable is if my father granted my request to have the servants attend, being alone in an orchard of the nobles and elite makes me feel small. I'm just an apple fallen from a small tree, left to rot on the ground, forgotten.
A knock at my bedroom door, I moved toward the ornate wooden door to open it but the housekeeper was already inside. The look on the old woman's worn face was one of empathy, although it was clear that she was trying to hide it. "It's time to go to your feast," the keeper said while doing the customary bow when addressing nobility. I said nothing but gave a slight nod to her. I entered the ground's courtyard which was filled with white oak trees and carefully groomed hedges and walked across a stone walkway. I glanced at the koi pond expecting to see calm and serene movements, but instead, I saw the five fish sporadically swim jolting around more like a bull than a fish. I approached the waiting carriage and the servant opened the curtain for me to enter. It was rare for me to leave the lonesome walls of the estate, mostly because of my own doing.
The carriage ride seemed to be endless, I have no idea how far we traveled or where my destination was but I finally arrived. The curtain of the carriage was pulled back and a great stone gate with nobility dressed in fine silks entering and a line of carriages waiting on the stone street. The military men easily distinguishable to high born nobility, wearing military uniforms and accolades instead of house crests and fine clothes. I stayed in the open carriage contemplating how I would conduct myself at the feast. I wanted to stay in that carriage forever. I kept peeking out of the silk curtains at the most powerful men in the country. I took a deep breath and after a few moments worked up the courage to leave the safety of the ornate carriage. I stepped out, no one had noticed me yet.
As I walked through the gate the crowd noticed me and I felt everyone's stares at me. The growing anxiety in my stomach swelled, and filled me up, leaving no room for my breath. It was time to do what my mother instructed. I force an unnatural smile onto my face and proceed walking pretending not to notice the stares burning a hole in me.
The courtyard was beautiful, with cherry blossoms, and a meandering stream. I want to enjoy it but now is not the time. I feel a tapping on my shoulder and turn, it was my mother. She has a withered old face, but it was clear she was once beautiful. "Are you excited about your big day Kai?" She asked while her eyes urged me to act the part she wanted me to play. "I'm just excited it's finally here!" I yelled in an overly enthusiastic tone. Her eyes gave a slight squint for a warning." I'm just proud of my little prince," she said and gave me a suffocating hug. "Let's go get you ready!" she said as she clenched my arm as if she was afraid I would try and make a run for it.
She led me to a small guest house which was decorated by artisan pottery and wall scrolls of ancient war scenes. She closed the door, now we were secluded from the stares and judgment. "I know you're unhappy about this, but somethings you just need to do. Your family's reputation rides on this. Even your sister admits you have to do this, so if you don't want to tough it out for me or your father then do it for your sister." she said while sitting me down on the guest bed, and finally letting her death grip off my arm. My mother's words were true, I did need to do this, even though I didn't want to, my family did need this.
"Did father grant my request for the servants to be able to attend?" I suspected I already knew the answer. "You know that's against traditionâŚ. Your father just can't do that politically right now". I looked down, although I knew this would happen I was still disappointed. As my mother gets up to leave she turned back to me and said "Remember Grey or Blue" and left toward the door, a butler bowed to her and enters. I nod to him to signal I am ready to begin. He grabs a porcelain bowl full of white lotuses. It is the tradition for nobles in Majayo to dye their hair white with white lotuses, the flower of the nobility, when they become men. I go to sit in front of the mirror, I am told I'm handsome, but I have little reference to people my age so I'm not sure if this is true. I'm short and scrawny with black hair. The servant adds a special liquid to the bowl of lotuses and begins mixing it.
When he was done he looked at me to ask for permission, and I gave him another nod. He lathered on the thick white paste and massaged it into my hair then left with a bow. I sat staring at the mirror, is this what I want? People often tell me the Day of Love should be the happiest day of my life, but all I felt was loathing. In around an hour I will be placed in front of several noble family's daughters, and I must pick one to wed. My last hope was to have the servants of our family to attend my only "friends" although I'll never know whether they truly liked me or not, their survival depended on me liking them.
All I can do is play along. These noble families paid a lot of money to have their daughter be put in the pool of could be brides, and if I weren't to pick one they wouldn't be very happy. Even my older sister, Min, said that I had to do this. She is the only person I can really trust. I continued to think until the servant entered again and washed out the paste, then he dressed me in undergarments and a white robe with beautiful hand-painted red roses."The adornments were picked specifically by your father." he said. As I prepared to leave the sanctuary of the guest house, I reminded myself that I not only needed to go through with the ceremony, but I had to feign happiness well enough to fool the politicians, generals, and nobility and lying was their game, how they made their living.
I exited the sanctuary back into the judgmental world of the elite. As I approached the crowd slowly it seemed as if I was walking into an open mouth of scrutiny and high class of which I don't belong to in spirit, but do in blood. Many of the people in attendance had nothing to do with the ceremony or any of the potential brides but had come to bribe and arrange plans with my father.
I am now amongst the crowd and desperately trying to find a familiar face in order to be guided on where to go. I feel a grab on my wrist and turn around to see a tall middle-aged man with a long beard. "You must be Kai, my daughter is in the pool and I know you wouldn't be disappointed if you picked her, but if it's the compensation you're after all you need to do is name the price,".I was startled and uncomfortable and I'm sure he could see it on my face. I hated how these people used their children to make deals for money or prestige. The crowd began to shift more of its attention to me and this made it even worse. There were a hundred judgemental but hopeful eyes staring down at me like I was a tool for the furthering of their reputation and power. I was off balance and scared. Then my mother emerged from behind the man attempting to bribe me. I was never happier to see her in my life. She waves me on and says" It's time for it to start, follow me". She led me to the main mansion. Slightly larger than my family's. Through a maze of hallways and rooms, we arrived at a large room with carved doors, and we stopped in front of it. She was giving me a moment to collect myself, surprisingly considerate of her. Then she opened the doors and we entered.
It was completely empty except for one chair on an elevated platform and a curved bench below it. "Sit there and wait for the candidates," she said as she motions toward the chair "Also don't forget to consider your father's current political situation in your choosing...I trust you'll make the best decision". Then she left.
I waited on this chair for several minutes and wondered if they forgot to bring in the candidates. Several more minutes passed but then the door opened and one by one the candidates entered. They avoided looking at me looking down as they processed in. Most were not as beautiful as I'd been told, although they were dressed in some of the most magnificent dresses I'd ever seen. Colored in accordance with House color. The ones I recognized were emerald for House Tanger and Blue for House Yoi. There were also dresses in yellow, red, purple, grey, and black. As my mother had instructed it was a much narrower choice than the seven girls in front of me. It was between Blue and Grey for reasons that I cannot know. Now on the platform, they all avoided eye contact, taking as much pleasure as I was in this foreign process.
The girl in Blue had long shimmering black hair but carried a strange birthmark across her otherwise pretty face. Her dress fitted perfectly and flattering to her. The girl in grey was taller than the rest and had a less traditional dress fitted tighter than the rest and with no design. She was the most beautiful of all the candidates but had an atmosphere of elegance and pretentiousness I could not ever elevate myself to.
One of the other candidates caught my eye as well. Unlike the others, her gaze was fixed on me with a strange amount of anger. Her hair as well as cut short and jaggedly, like nothing I had ever seen. It hung just above her shoulders in most places. Her dress was as traditional as it could be, yet it did not fit her. It looked as though it was made for someone else. She was the shortest but had the most enchanting eyes, of a purple hue. As I continued to examine these three the girl in black began to bounce her leg as if she was becoming impatient. Even as I was trying to look at the other two I would nervously glance to meet her impatient stare, and get lost in it. The silence in the room began to envelop it. The collective dread and anxiousness, as well as one person's impatience and anger, lead to a potent concoction of an atmosphere. A kind of frenzy took my mind, I needed to hurry to get out of this room, my breath quickened. My mind raced. I looked down to gather my thoughts. But my body had moved on its own. My arm outreached and my finger pointed. My eyes widened, scared. I looked up to meet with a similarly surprised purple stare. The room fell silent but now with surprise. The grey woman was shaken. I did not know what I did. I hoped they would forgive me.