I could feel the sleeves of my dress moist after hugging and crying together with my family and friends at the front of the Departures gate, in the Narita International Airport, Tokyo. A very emotional moment for me and for everyone who had followed me throughout my journey over the last years, where a young biology student was slowly but steadily climbing into the top of the academic world, with the main goal of becoming a marine biology scientist, as young as a 23-year-old girl.
"Miyuki-chan… I'm gonna miss you so much, don't forget to email me now and then!" - Said Sayuri-chan, my dearest childhood friend, holding both of my hands while her eyes, and mine too, were watery from the tears rolling down
"Of course, Sayuri-chan! How could I forget you? I'm gonna mail you every day and keep you posted. You're my best friend and one of the most important persons in my life."
"Ah! Two years is just too much! Prepare a bed for me in your room, cause I'm sure gonna visit you."
"He-he, you are more than welcome"- I said, while drying the tears with my forearms.
The last of the pack was my dad, and there he was, holding my shoulders with both of his arms stretched out, pressing them, and looking down on me from above, maintaining eye contact, while I involuntarily lowered my head, trying to break it; it was a strange reaction for the situation, but one that I didn't understand at the time. I could read his thoughts through his eyes, as I've learned to do and continued to do it innumerous times; he and my mom were easy to read, almost too easy, to the point that I could tell in advance what they would say to me depending on the situation.
"You better make up your mind about your work!" - She could say.
"Winning is not everything, is the only thing" - He could say.
"You are much more privileged than we were!" - They could say.
But I do not brag about this "skill", or more should I say, perception of people's feelings and expectations around me; I love my parents just too much, but I no longer want to be their shadows, their projections. Heck! I don't want to be the shadow of anyone around or above me! It's just too tiresome a life dedicated to fulfilling the wishes of the "normies": "You need to have good grades!", "You must marry someone of your level", "If you want to be successful you better win as early as possible"; "Do not wear anything that makes you stand out, it's weird!" Sometimes I think that there's an invisible entity that is trying to push everyone, especially the young ones, into the void of the "normal"; and this entity can assume many forms, possessing your family, friends, teachers, and even you now and then….. You know, it's comfortable to play safe and within the rules…
Actually, is it?
Is it really that comfortable? Am I feeling satisfied with my current life? I should be, right? But I'm not…. I'm missing something. I've wished things were generally just a bit more unpredictable, that this "normie" cyclone could vanish in the air. That may be one of the reasons why I am choosing to become a scientist, and a good one to say the least.
Ah! The unknown!
The new, the groundbreaking, the forefront of discovery! No preconceived notions, no social or cultural script telling you what is right or wrong, and what you need or needn't do. As an old train needs coal to run, my soul feeds on the feeling of discovery; science is my coal!
''Go on, make us proud, Miyuki Kashiwagi" - he has probably said something along these lines.
"Yes daddy, I will."
"Be careful in this country. As I've told you, I am extremely uncomfortable with you living in a place with such a bad reputation regarding safety. But I know this is your will and dream."
My father argued with me a lot about my decision to study for two years in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, with Professor Roberto Fukuda, one of the top scientists in the field of marine biology. However, with the passing of time, despite the constant arguments, he eventually came to terms with my decision. For him to say that it means that he had passed through a great and significant internal struggle to break his preconceived notions, and that meant a lot to me.
"Thank you, daddy, truly…" - I said raising my chin just a bit and smiling with a sense of relief.
"Off you go" - he said, removing his hands from my shoulders.
I smiled again, and for a brief moment this conflict inside of me about individuality and freedom suddenly had gone away, as it had never happened, and in its place I felt a sudden need to hug and feel once again for one last time in 2 years, the arms of my dad. I was internally ashamed of myself, as I was trying so hard to detach myself emotionally from my family in order to get this sense of "freedom" that I truly forgot that the ones that love you the most are your parents. Jumping one last time to his arms I started crying again, as I knew I would miss him very much.
"Thank you, daddy, thank you…."
"I'll keep you posted; don't you worry. I'll even bring souvenirs."
"I know, Miyu-chan, I know. Take care of yourself."
It was time to go. As I crossed the gate, I turned back just one last time to wave and shout goodbye to my family and friends who came to see my departure from Japan.
And that was it. Japan and Tokyo were going to be just a distant place for the next two years. With 12 hours ahead between Japan and Brazil I couldn't even have an easy and comfortable internet live chat with my family and friends as neither of the parties would be available for chatting at the same time; and now I was all by myself. Frankly, despite the sadness of having to disconnect almost entirely from all the friends you've had your whole life, I was extremely excited about the prospect of change, having to learn a new culture, a new language, try new dishes, and of course, going to the beach! Despite my nerd background, I love to wear a swimsuit; what can I say!? I do have good proportions! And Rio is definitely known for its beach culture, sunny days and the spirit that we are eternally young.
"Heh….. I kind of feel ashamed to think that one of the "reasons" I'm leaving is just to go to the beach. But a scientist is also allowed to get away sometimes just to have some fun, aren't they? Hum hum."
I looked through the plane window, and as it ascended, I could see the snowy peak of Mt. Fuji looking over a winter Tokyo. I always thought that Mt. Fuji was like a deity protecting the city. As I had the habit of trying to reach places where I could see it well, it always brought me peace and calmness, and it was no different from now; through a thick glass window I could almost hear it say.:
"Kashiwagi-san, come back soon, I'm gonna miss you. But don't you worry, I'll take care of your house, as I always did."
"I know, I know, thank you once again for your services, Fuji-san."
As I spoke that a little bit louder than I was expecting, the person next to me turned and mumbled:
"Uh? What? You're talking to me?"
"O-oh, no sir! I'm sorry, I was…. I was just answering a voice audio on my phone. Sorry again!"
"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to barge in. Have a nice flight!"
"Have a nice flight too! Hahahaha" - I said, a bit red from embarrassment.
I tried to mask my clumsiness by picking up both my laptop and cellphone and turning them on pretending to be a very busy girl. Well… I did have things to do; mainly to finish reading the papers from Prof. Fukuda about his theory about deep sea monitoring of marine life with the use of modern sensors and machine learning analysis of data gathering.
Observation of marine life, be it fish, plants or microorganisms, always needed the presence of a diver, a crewed submarine, or in the most automated way, a robot submarine, however, always some kind of visual data acquisition, be it through the eyes of a human or a screen. What Prof. Fukuda was proposing in his paper was an unusual and different approach; he would put multiple advanced radio sensors on different depths of the sea; these sensors, sending and receiving electromagnetic waves reflected from the fishes would measure the size and density of animal marine life nearby 24/7, map it, and then return the raw data to a computer via radio, for it to be then analyzed by different data scientist engineers utilizing A.I. machine learning.
I don't understand much about machine learning though… It is strictly an engineering job, but what I do know is that there are some mathematical techniques that can reach very complex conclusions based on large amounts of data. The idea was truly marvelous, it should be the next breakthrough on the study methodology of marine life, and it was a project that involved a fair amount of highly educated personnel; and that's when I joined the scene.
Last year, I published a paper in preparation for the XI Marine Biology Congress in Osaka about the classification of certain species in the deep Sea of Japan. Based on recent footage from a research submarine, publicly available on the net, I've argued that certain species of fish should be classified in a specific group instead of belonging to another previously thought to be. It wasn't a groundbreaking or earth-shocking research, however, interesting nonetheless, at least minimally interesting for an undergraduate student.
Undergrad scientists are usually considered like baby scientists in the academic world, so we have little prestige. But I gave solid proof based on physical evidence that the aforementioned species of fish were being mistakenly classified as one group rather than another. Luckily Pr. Fukuda was following the conference through video and saw my full presentation of the article on the congress. Although it was a good presentation for an undergrad student, I could not anticipate what would happen afterwards.
Two weeks later, I received a personal phone call in English from Pr. Fukuda, I wouldn't think even in a lightyear time what I'd be offered. Turns out that Pr. Fukuda was very surprised and interested in my observations and cataloging skills and was searching for someone just like me to help catalog and understand the marine life that was to be studied in his project. The only tiny little detail was that I needed to move to Brazil!
What!?
Under normal circumstances I would have never accepted such an offer! Moving to a faraway country, with a language I've almost never heard before, poorer than Japan. Well... that's why I said in "normal circumstances". Prof Fukuda was so highly regarded within the scientific community that a chance to make a project with him would be a lifetime opportunity, bolstering my academic career which I was aiming to achieve in such a way that at my current situation, Japan couldn't provide me. The "only" downside was leaving everything behind: family, friends, home and become a foreigner in a strange place.
I think it is futile to overthink the choices I've already made. I didn't have any regrets and needed only to look forward.
And what a long trip it would be, with more than 30 hours flying and 2 stops, I'd surely get tired when I finally arrived. Well, better get some rest for now.
Life strikes us in surprising ways sometimes…