|Leigha's POV|
What happened? Where did everything go wrong? I had everything planned out. Every detail was set in stone. It should've worked. Why didn't it work? Why is everything crumbling beneath my fingertips? I'm human, too. I want to be happy. I deserve to be loved, don't I?
You lied to me. There's no forgetting it. I don't want to give up on you. I can't. It hurts so bad, but I don't see a world without you in it. You've been there for as far back as I can remember. There one moment and gone the next, but still there. You became a monster overnight. At seven years old, you made me feel like a princess on top of the world. You were my Prince Charming—my happily ever after. As years went by, I thought it'd only get better. I never knew how wrong I really was.
Seventeen—the year my fear ate me alive. A cold lonely night, you were supposed to be there. I sat alone—so alone. You were late—later than you'd ever been. You were out with friends. People who you badmouthed me with. Too clingy. Too needy. A freak. That's all I was to you when you were with them. I couldn't breathe. The tears just wouldn't stop. No matter what I did, I couldn't help but shatter the mirror. A sliver of glass in my grasp, digging into my palm as I drug it over my abused wrists for what I hoped would be the final time.
All I remember was blood dripping down my arms while I stared at my mangled reflection. Wicked eyes stared back at me. A vicious grin mocked me. Was I the monster? Were you afraid of me? I was.
Nine months of being trapped in an asylum was supposed to fix me. It was supposed to be a cure all. Trading one sickness for another—that's what my dad called it. The sadness went away for a little while. A girl made it better. Her long black pigtails and carefree personality was all that it took to drag me out of my self pity. She forced me into a world of bright colors and laughter. A world of love and acceptance.
It didn't last very long. When I was released, she stayed behind. She was still sick. It didn't seem like it, but she was. I wanted to go back. Home was smothering. A sin. Everything I would do was a result of sin. My very breath was seen as a sin. Suicide is a sin. Attempted suicide was even worse. You have to live with the consequences and disappointments.
I expected to see you when I got home. You never showed. Three months after my release, you waltzed through my door as if you'd never left. My parents welcomed you with open arms. Their sinful daughter and her saint. That's what they saw us as. That's why when they found out about the kiss later that evening, they wished I'd had died.
A preacher's daughter. A useless waste of space who couldn't even kill herself properly kissed a girl. She felt the soft and tempting lips of the devil. The devil held her tightly while she wept. She was safe. She was warm. She felt whole again. It was too good to be true.
Where is she now? Where is the devil who made me complete? She was swept away before she could see the aftermath. She didn't hear the screams. She didn't see the blood. She didn't watch my mother take her last breath. She didn't hold me. She couldn't. They stole her.
Amelia. My perfect Lia. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the world I drug you into. I'm sorry for making you put up with my failures. I'm sorry for blaming you all these years. I told myself that it was your fault. You made me kiss you. I didn't want it—but I did. Please forgive me.
Seeing ChaeRyeong face her demon today—kissing her perfect lips—made me realize my fate. I'm forever going to be the savior. I will always be the one there to pick up the pieces to someone else's life. My pieces will forever be tossed across the floor and lost amongst a mess of feelings. I will never be complete. I will never be saved. You were my last hope and you're nowhere to be found.
I stare down at the sidewalk, five stories below me. One more step and there'd be no saving me. You can't fix a mangled corpse. You can't save the mangled heart that created the mangled corpse.
Am I alive? Is this real? Is this just a never ending nightmare? Sometimes it feels like it truly is. It feels like I'll always be trapped in a pit of despair while the world around me continues to spin. Everyone laughs and shares joyous stories while I sit in the darkest corner of the world shivering and alone. Every once and awhile, a sliver of sun will pierce the darkness, but it'll fade before it can warm me. It always does.
I hop backward off of the ledge and land on my butt. I can't do it. I failed once, I can't risk failing again. I can't risk bringing harm to another person. ChaeRyeong put so much effort into patching up my hands. I can't make her time and effort go to waste. I can't force her to be constantly reminded of the girl she tried to save flinging herself off of the rooftop of her home.
The one thing I crave will never come. No matter how long I wait and how willing I am, death won't come. I have no choice but to keep breathing. I have no choice but to let the world play me like a game. I'm a pawn of society. A maid to the masses. A slave with a million masters. Crippled and broken.
I pull my knees to my chest and bury my face in them. The freezing air burns against my skin. A thrilling pain I'm more than used to. When you don't have control of anything, you try and control the one thing you can—pain. I am my own worst enemy. I bring pain to myself in so many sickening ways.
So, Mama, where did it go wrong? Was it me? Was it you? Was it Daddy? Why didn't it work? Why didn't my plan play out like it was supposed to? Mama, can you forgive me? Can you forgive me for craving her warm embrace just one last time?