Since the day I arrived here, nothing good has happened to me. Literally nothing that made me think "At least this happened" but it was just the opposite.
First it was the city we are in, then the accident happened at the supermarket, my mother did not understand my side and now that. How can this situation get worse?
I was needing a little space, so I excused myself and went to the second floor of the house, where it was more empty. There was actually no one there, which was great because I need some time. The place is a balcony, you can't see much but I can get a view of a small part of the city. It is nothing very beautiful, just small bright lights scattered in various places. I looked up hoping to see some stars, but today the sky is full of clouds, winter is getting colder and colder. I don't see summer time coming, from what I saw it will only be when classes return.
With so many things going on, I completely forgot about school. New people, new school, everything will be totally new for me. If high school was already making me anxious when I was in Australia, here it terrifies me. What if students don't like me? If I don't adapt to my new lifestyle?
There are many "What if ...", I hope everything works out.
I was lost in my thoughts when I feel someone coming, it is probably my mother asking me to come back, but I am surprised when I realize that it is not my mother's voice.
- By my calculations .... The temperature is already below freezing, and you are wearing clothes as if we were in the fall. - Benjamin says and leans on the porch next to me.
- And? – I ask, arching an eyebrow.
- It is very likely that you are cold. - Support your hands on the balcony.
- If you're so interested in knowing, I'm fine. - It's kind of hard to believe, since my face must be red from the cold and it's hard to keep my hands still.
- It's all right. I will pretend to believe you. - He says in a sarcastic tone.
- What are you doing here?
- Trying to talk to you, because since the day we met you haven't given me the opportunity to speak.
- Because we have nothing to talk about. - I say avoiding eye contact.
- Are you still mad about what happened to the boxes? - He asks laughing.
- No. I just don't like you and nothing here. - His smile disappears on his face. It almost made me feel bad about it.
– So are you going to let that accident define who I am?
–Well, the first impression is what remains and yours was not the best.
- And you think I had a good impression of you? - He asks looking at me.
- To be honest, I don't care how you felt about me.
- You don't even want to know the first thing I thought when I saw you? - For the first time, I look him in the eye and take a while to answer.
- No, I do not want. - Maybe I want to but I don't want to ask.
- Your mother said you didn't want to come and live here.
- My mom says a lot of things, and one of the things she is proud of is telling everyone how much I hate being here. Will you also tell me that I am wrong and that one day I will change my mind? - Everyone told me that, it won't be news if he tells me that too.
- Well, I hate my job and so far I can't change my mind about it, so I don't think I have much to say to you about it. - He looks at the sky, the same thing I did minutes ago.
- I think it's getting late, I need to go. My mom must be looking for me. - I leave the balcony and head towards the first floor.
- Before you go ... - He takes off his black coat and puts it around my shoulders. - Take it. Let's say it's a welcome gift. - He gives a small smile.
- Thank you, I think. - I looked at his eyes for a while, I don't think he cared much. - I need to go now.
- It's all right. - He goes back to where we were and I'm going to the first floor.
The jacket didn't look so big on me, it is black and without prints, maybe this is the last time we see each other so I don't know how I'm going to return it, even though he said it's a gift. Perhaps the coat will not be so missed, he had many clothes besides that coat.
A few hours have passed and it is time to go. The car ride was silent as usual, no one wants to comment on the party or anything, so I look out the window, watching the places as we pass by.
At home it's the same, everyone goes somewhere in the house and nobody talks about anything at all. Anyone would find this strange, but I am already used to all this silence on their part, this distance between us. But even though I am used to that wall, I will never get used to the feeling it makes me feel. An echo, an emptiness. That's what this wall makes me feel.
I try not to care too much about it, sometimes I pretend it doesn't exist and try to ignore it. Sometimes it works, other attempts result in failure.
Alone. It's how I feel most of the time, that feeling wasn't so strong when I was with my friends, they made me forget a little, that's why I miss them so much. I wonder if they miss me.
My friends and I went through a lot of fun times together, fun times from which I would give anything to get back. But now the only thing I have as a company is my sketchbook that I won.
I open the small drawer and pull out the notebook. Sitting on the bed, I think of ideas for drawing. I was always curious about what it would be like to draw emotions, so I take the pencil and draw a small flower growing in a gray and lifeless place. That would be the hope, to believe that something good will happen even when your reality is different. The flower growing in the midst of chaos means my hope that someday I will have the life I once had.
The flower means the small drop of hope that remains in me.