Amy's POV
After my last period I met up with Scarlett and Luna while we waited for Avery to pick us up. I decided to keep my mouth shut till we got home, I don't want her to freak out and do something rash.
"How was school?"
"Fine. I saw Matt today, but someone killed the mood" She said looking at Luna.
"It's not like that stopped you two from kissing"
She turned red and looked down. Avery got here and we headed home.
The car ride was quiet and I could tell Avery was nervous. I looked at her sympathetically and we got home. When we got into the house Scarlett went straight to our room. Me and Avery looked at each other before heading in. Scar was starting her homework for the first time in forever and we both sat down on either side of her.
"What is it" She said knowing we were about to talk to her about something.
"We wanna talk to you about something" Avery said.
"What is it this time" She said annoyed
"You've seemed stressed these past few days" I said
"Schools stressful"
"You've been stress scratching a lot"
"I have? I didn't really notice"
"Scar, are you cutting again?" Avery said
Her expression changed. At first it was mild annoyance but it changed to fear. She completely froze. I think she realized her expression and relaxed her body pretending to be fine.
"No, why would you think that?"
"Because I saw blood in the sink the other night after you were in there"
"And you broke that glass the other day"
She paused for a second before speaking. "That's all circumstantial"
Why is she still lying?
"Scarlett, if your cutting again you need to tell us" Avery said
"I'm not" She said sternly
"Can you roll up your sleeves?"
"I don't want you two staring at my scars"
"I know but we need to know that your not doing it" I said
"No. I'm not cutting again"
Still lying. I know she's cutting. I just do.
"Just lift up your sleeves please" Avery said
She stood up and looked upset. "No, I told you guys I'm not lifting up my sleeves"
"Why are you hiding your scars now? You usually don't care when your around us"
"Well I do now"
It's obvious she's cutting again. "I wanna make sure your cuts aren't infected or anything" Avery said on the same page I was. We won't force her sleeves up but this is important.
"I'm not cutting" She said this time with tears forming in her eyes.
"Scar-
"IM NOT CUTTING!!!"
We both jumped at her sudden outburst. "I'm not cutting okay?"
"Scarlett it's okay. Remember what we talked about? Let us help you" I said
She looked down at the ground and sat down in front of us before saying something. "Don't overreact"
Me and Avery looked at each other before reassuring her we wouldn't overreact, though we both knew we'd have a hard time controlling our worry.
"We won't" Avery said calmly
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Scarlett's POV
There's no point in lying anymore. I know they know and I'm in a corner. I start to lift up my sleeves revealing all the cutting I had done. I held my arms out for them to look at the cuts and I could see the worry and disappointment out of the corner of my eye.
"Scar- Why didn't you tell us how stressed you were? We could've helped" Avery said
"I didn't want help. I wanted to cut"
They looked even more worried now than before. My mind started to wonder as they were trying to help me.
Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me? Why me?
I must deserve it. That's the only thing that makes sense.
"Scarlett we want you to be safe. You have to tell us when you feel like that" Avery said
I wasn't thinking straight. I was distraught and my mind and body were racing.
I took out the piece of glass still in my pocket and cut my finger with it. Avery tried to take it from me but I backed away out her reach. I stood up and they both knew where this was going. I ran out the door down the stairs and out the building. Amy and Avery were right behind me. I'm still really slow but I pushed past the pain and kept running. We somehow made it to our old house. I ran inside while Amy and Avery hesitated but came in after me. As soon as I stepped in all the memories flooded back into my head. I felt sick to my stomach. I went to my old room and saw all my old stuff there. It was like a time capsule. I looked in a drawer and found all my old razors. I heard Avery and Amy coming so I took one out and cut as much as possible before they got in and tackled me and wrestled it away.
"Stop it!" Amy yelled as I kept trying to break free from her restraints. I don't know when she got so good at restraining me and keeping me still.
"Let go of me!"
"No!" Amy said
"Scar why did you run?" Avery said looking at me in the eyes.
I didn't answer. "Why'd you run here of all places?"
I honestly couldn't answer that. I have no idea why I ran here.
"Let go of me"
"No."
Avery started to tear up and I could feel Amy's tears on my head.
"Scar, you have to tell us when somethings wrong. When you do things like this it really scares all of us. We don't want you to hurt yourself and we don't want you to feel like you have to do things on your own"
Im thinking about this one time, a long long time ago when dad was still healthy and we were a normal family. Dad had gotten this dinosaur costume and planned on scaring me with it because I used to be scared of everything as a kid. I remember when I saw him in it I just froze. My dad took off the suit and tried to calm me down and I eventually did. Thinking back to it that's exactly what happened with Ms Soyer. I just froze in fear.
After dad got sick mom started to fall apart. At first it was little things like coming home late and missing work here and there. But then after he was hospitalized she went of the deep end. She started abusing me and my sisters. She took a special liking to beating me. Her boyfriends would take advantage of my size and did the same to Amy and Avery. Eventually Avery got the courage to leave and moved out. Then it was just us three. I hate looking at myself everyday knowing what I let happen to me. After the 5th boyfriend I promised I'd never let myself be taken advantage of again but, here we are. I hate the reminder all this gives of just how weak I am.
I looked at Avery not meeting her eyes and she was crying a lot. I could feel Amy shaking as she held me tightly.
"I'm-
Sorry isn't good enough for what I've put them through. Nothing is.
"I'm sorry" I said looking down.
We sat in silence for awhile before Avery said something.
"It's okay. You know, I'm not mad at you. Just worried"
I hate making them worried. At least anger goes away but worry lingers. Sometimes it never goes away. They'll always be worried about me and I've proven time and time again that they should.
What do I say now? My thoughts are somewhere else but I still feel the urge to cut. It's times like these I feel bad for Amy and Avery. And every one else who puts up with me.
"It doesn't go away"
"What?" Avery said calmly
"The pain. It never really goes away"
"Scarlett, it gets better"
"How do you guys deal with me? I can't even deal with myself"
Amy finally spoke up and said "It's because we love you Scar"
"I'm so sorry"
"It's okay" Avery said
I started to reach for my bag of razors. They comfort me even when I'm not using them. Amy immediately held me back in place while Avery took the razors and put them far away so I couldn't grab them.
"I just wanna hold them" I said looking down at the floor.
"Scar-
"I know" I said continuing to look at the floor.
"We should get home. It'll be dark soon" Amy said
"She's right we should" Avery said
"Please don't try and run off again" Avery said
"I won't"
We got up and started heading down stairs. Avery was behind me and Amy was in front of me. I looked at the razors as we walked out the door but I decided to keep walking. When we got outside Avery called Jamie and he got there in about 5 minutes and picked us up. The car ride was quiet. No one said anything, there weren't any bumps in the road, I could barely even hear myself breathe. I felt my body numb and my mind go blank. I guess the cutting is starting to take effect. I thought about the glass under my pillow and sighed a sigh of relief.
I don't know when but I started scratching my arm and it started bleeding again. Amy saw me and quickly stopped me.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was doing it" I said looking down at my bloody sleeve.
"Scar your bleeding again" Amy said and Avery and Jamie immediately looked at me.
"I didn't mean to" I said quietly looking down. I started rubbing my neck and trying to control my breathing and Amy grabbed my wrists.
"Hey hey Scarlett look at me" I looked up at her and she said "Its okay. We all slip up sometimes. We're not mad, relax. Rest your hands, it's gonna be okay"
Her words helped and I put my hands down and stared out the window till we got home.
When we got in the house Avery told me to wait in the bathroom while she got the first aid kit. I headed to the bathroom and sat on the toilet bowl lid while Amy stood in the door frame. In the kitchen I could hear Avery crying and Jamie trying to comfort her. I feel so bad. I thought about that glass shard under my pillow and felt worse for hiding it.
"There's another one" I said
"Another what?" Amy said tired
"Glass shard. It's under my pillow" I said keeping my head down. I couldn't bare to face them after all of this.
"Thanks for telling me Scar" She said as she went into our room and got the shard. She threw it away and Avery came in with the first aid kit. Her eyes were red and puffy.
She started cleaning and wrapping up my arm silently. The silence was deafening. I could feel her sadness and how much she was worried.
"I'm sorry" I said looking at the bandage she was tightly wrapping around my arm.
"It's okay Scar" She said not looking up.
"I'm sorry I make you guys cry"
She stopped wrapping and looked up at me. "Its okay. You just scared us"
"I shouldn't have ran. I said I wouldn't do it again and I did"
"It's okay"
She finished wrapping my arm and looked up at me.
"I know what your going through is hard. So let us help you through it. You don't have to do everything by yourself"
I didn't say anything, just kept staring.
"Do you wanna sleep?" She asked. I looked up at her and she reminded me of mom before dad got sick. I felt more tears stream down my face and I hugged her.
"I'm really sorry" I don't wanna be like this anymore. Everything is so hard. I have to try harder. As hard as I can and then some. I can't keep letting this happen. Hurting them over and over again.
I'll try harder to live.
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