*weeks later*
I had tried to pull through the few days, I would be lying if I said it was hard. It was more than that. I felt like a part of me was dying, like one half of my body was freezing over. I noticed I was annoying to hang out with since I kept quiet most of the time and when I spoke I was all cranky. Also, people noticed me, girls pretended to like me when really it's just because I was rich now, my parents left every possession of theirs under my name. I'd be eighteen in a few so they didn't put me into the foster system again. Probably the first time something entirely awful didn't happen to me.
"Hey, what have you been doing lately? Reading any new books?" I glowered at Ruby who's gaze switched plastically to the sky, definitely not the right question to ask. I read the regret all smeared on her face. She raked her fingers through her hair like she always did when she was not sure of what she was saying, or nervous. I noticed the disappointed look when her hand stuck somewhere in between her locks and she broke a few strands.
Normally she'd start bitching about it. She had been most invested in trying to make me speak or something. She is chatty, I get dizzy trying to follow her stories up. We both do, at least I don't say it to her face. Times like these I understood why Max was against adding another member especially from the female species to our group. She is always dropping words onto the slightest bit of silence and that makes me lose my shit, I was inches away from slamming her head to the table for uttering a single vowel.
After being orphaned for the third time...apparently, my real parents died when I was months old, two families ago, I had just a dad, and cancer ate him up till he was just a sickly frame. He was showing improvement until he killed himself. It was tragic. All I needed was silence. No one could feel my pain so no one could help me. Max understood that, so unless I suggested a topic, he just sat there, grave silent. That there is a real bromance.
"What do you think? I have been living like a movie star!! It never gets any better...." I couldn't stop my mouth." Reading books? You guys don't give a flying fuck what books am reading just as long as your assignments are done. Am not even sure you're my friends or now you're just stuck with me because it would be rude to leave me now? You don't really care about me!" I slammed my fist so hard onto the table my knuckles burst to bleeding. I was used to physical pain so it didn't matter. Something about how their faces read utter shock made me realize they had seen the cuts.
"Am sorry you feel that way, it's not true." Max tried to calm me down, my face boiling up in anger. They were scared. Ruby's eyes were misty from tears. See, all I ever did was hurt people around me.
" Please sit down. Please" I had fished attention from everyone else. I was always sad that I didn't have it and now that I did not know what to do with it. I thought it was bad enough that I was labeled a nerd. But being the orphaned nerd with depression was way worse. A feeling of weirdness compelled me to sit immediately "Thanks."
Ruby dabbed at her shiny cheeks. Some parts of her face permanently glowed like her forehead and cheeks. Pointing that out would be a bad idea. She wasn't emotional but I knew I had hurt her because she was now sniffing. Looking straight into my eyes hoping that I would explain myself but obviously too scared to ask. She was now doing that thing where she gulps milkshake continuously so she does not say something to sour the situation.
"What are you looking at??? You have never seen a person get upset?" Max shouted at the little audience In my opinion, the most selfish thing to do is to tell someone you care about how you feel. They get to be just as hurt, even if good things are happening to them.
"Am not ready. Am not explaining anything to anyone. It's my body."
I told them in advance noticing Alvah who over the past few days had usually sat at an empty table opposite to ours. I sometimes felt like she was following me. Too much for staying away from her. It's not something I would say out loud but I always thought we were friends. She always stared right at me while Max and Ruby yapped on about stuff completely irrelevant. It was magical. Somehow I felt like the pain went down a notch.
Like she could read it somehow, like our souls connected when our eyes met. It was the only time I felt alive. I had not seen her do that with anyone else so I assumed we were exclusive. There was this dream I had just once, I was pretty mad, mad as I am now and we came running into each other embrace. Tight, warm, and very much needed. Nothing romantic really. Even after my parents' departure, I still felt like more was coming. It was a chocking feeling. But my plan was going to work sooner. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for it to get to me. How can suicide be a crime if its the only way I can not be sad. My happy days were long gone.
"This is on you. Dude,you just keep locking us out every fucking time man? How are supposed to be friendly enough?" Max inquired. Oh great. Just great. Was he doing this? Definitely. He was sick of me now?
"Goodbye, guys," I told them in advance. It was over. Life just isn't meant for all of us. Not anymore, lying a few feet under sounds like an adventure.
***
Everything from today and everything before that washed back into my head as memories of my whole miserable existence. The only consolation I had for myself was the fact that it would all go away. And I would be together with people that I love. I had been sitting on my study table with my tap running noisily in the background. I thought I might as well just leave something my friends would have as a piece of me when I wasn't there anymore. Something to help them prove to themselves that I didn't end my life because of them. To tell them that it had been the plan all along.
However, the words just didn't come to me. Each time I started it was too dramatic or too harsh I had torn out half of the leaves from my fool's cap and I was sitting in an island of my last minutes thoughts in ink, blood(dripping from my slit wrists,) sweat(definitely tensed up) and tears( crying myself yo blindness) literally on crumpled paper.
I was not going to hold anything back if anyone wanted to know how I was doing. Why I couldn't talk, I had the answers, but I wasn't going to leave through seeing it destroy other people. If that's not the jerkiest reasoning off all times I don't know what is. I arched my back and composed myself for the millionth time. I had to do this one last thing. I dragged a sleeve of my sweater across my cheeks that were burning sore because of the friction and the saltiness from tears. I grabbed my pathetic glasses and fitted them back onto my eyes. It took a small moment to clearly see since my eyes were literally blurring from tears.
I ignored the uncontrollable sobs that went on to push out of me even though my upper bunny incisors dug deep into my bottom lip trying to lock them in. Its called the breaking point I think. Where you were pushed to the edge and now falling. I brought my trembling hand to. the paper and blinked down the tears. I was doing the right thing, you know in such a messed up way it might actually seem wrong.
I noticed the water beginning to flow into my bedroom too bad, my time was over so I just scribbled a giant goodbye and grabbed my Sharp as it gets shaver. I literally had just sharpened my shaver. Being hairy as a gorilla I always preferred the one with triple blades. I don't know why I shaved anyway, no one would care if I had hair that gets stuck in bushes and trees on my body. I once cut myself when shaving my arms and then I couldn't stop. It felt different. For a person with such a monotonous life different was just what I wanted. I kicked off my shoes and went into the bathroom.
I slid into the bathtub and closed the tap. The water was so cold I thought it would freeze my blood. Which would come off as a good thing. Who needs warm blood pumping throughout the body if it's keeping them in the nightmare excuse of life forever? With my eyes closed, I continued to rip parts of my skin that I could see. I screamed each time the shaver left three parallel strips on my skin which would ooze blood right out, deepening the shade of red in the water. I could feel myself fade as the water drew life out of me...
.