I sit here with my head resting in my knees and allow the now cold water beat on my back as I stare off and watch the remnants of blood swirl and disappeared down the drain.
Flashes of the after math real behind my eyes like a drive in movie. Lacie ordering Shank to get me off the floor and into a shower and that - well whatever the hell she had said-
would help stop the bleeding. And then it dawning on her and everyone around that "how would she know so much?"
"Lace?" I had asked her, looking at her with questioning.
She bowed her head and swore under her breath. Panik grabbed her arm and forced her to look at him. "Answer her, Lacie!" He ordered. I've never seen the joyous man look so murderous before.
"I can't have kids!" She shouted, just as mad.
His face fell and his grip eased on her arm. "What?" He asks.
I watched tears form in her eyes. "I cant have kids, ok! I always miscarry in the first 3 months. Something about something I don't fucking know." She snatched her arm from him to cross both of them infront of her chest.
"Always? How many miscarriages have you had? I thought you were on birth control!" Panik shouts.
Margo grabs his arm and He tries to shake her off but she just soothes him.
"You're always saying you want kids. And even though you haven't asked me yet, I KNOW I'm your old lady and that's MY job. So I got off it and I was gonna surprise you when I finally got pregnant. And the first one happened the day I was gonna tell you. So j saw a Dr. And she said most miscarriages happen in first 3 months. So I've been waiting for one to survive the first trimester before I told you but none of them have." She was sobbing by the end.
He latched hold of her and brought her to his chest. The rest of us had awkwardly departed to let them be.
Now I'm just sitting here absorbing everything. I was pregnant.
I was pregnant with schizs baby.
Schiz and I were gonna have a baby.
The bathroom door creaks open and shank comes in to sit on the floor beside the tub. He doesn't say anything but he hands me a glass of Apple juice.
I gulp it down and almost choke. That was not fucking Apple juice. I glare accusing at shank but he just smiles weakly.
"Lacie said it also helps with the bleeding. Its apple cider vingar and water." He explains. I nod.
He turns the water off and hands me a towel from behind him. I wrap it around me but don't get up.
"I wonder how many shes had to go through thid alone." I muse aloud.
"3." Shank answers.
I shake my head to myself. "Why wouldn't she tell me? How did I not notice?"
He just rubs my back. There's a long silence before he speaks again.
"You should talk to Schiz. See how he's doing."
I look over at him. He's watching me. "Yeah, I know."
"Did you know You were pregnant?" He asks suddenly.
"Of course not. Did it look like I knew?" I snap.
He shakes his head and closes his eyes. "I shouldn't have asked that."
The door opens again and Lacie peaks in. Shank gets up from the floor and gives us some privacy.
"How are you feeling?" She asks.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask instead.
He exhales and looks away. "I didn't know how. And I don't think I wanted you to know. You have a kid. Watching you give birth was beautiful and then Pat started talking about kids and I decided yeah, me too. Then found I'm unable. I don't know." She sighs again.
"I'm sorry." I tell her.
"Me too."
We sit in silence for awhile. "Panik said they were only half way there when Ed got a call from his wife and they realized it was a set up. Now patch is going out of his mind crazy looking for Daisey." He exhales with a shake of her head.
"I just don't get why they all of a sudden want revenge after 7 years." I say quietly. I dont know how Shank will feel about old ladies talking about club business.
"Me neither." She says.
"You think Margo will figure it out?" I ask her.
Her head tilts as she ponders the idea then nods. "Margo is fucking smart. I'm sure She and Lynol will get a handle on this."
"I hope so. I dont know how long I can stay all squished like this."
"Same."
°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×°×
I find Schiz outside smoking a cigarette.
"Schiz?" I call tentatively.
He glances over his shoulder then pats the seat next to him on the picnic table. "How you feelin', babe?" He asks quietly.
I sit next to him but not too close. "I don't know. Still in shock, I guess. What about you?" I ask back.
He lets out a sigh and shakes his head. "I was gonna have a kid to a fucking knock out woman and lost it." He responds.
Knock out woman, huh?
"I'm sorry, Schiz." I shrug lamely.
"Nothing you did, babe. All the stress. Stress that comes with living this life. You just got more than you bargained for. And our kid was collateral. Just like Kale." He shakes this head and throws his cigarette on the ground and drops his head in his hands.
He's mourning for a kid he didn't even have the chance to know. I, on the other hand, ain't because I didn't know it so I guess I never grew attached.
"Maybe its a sign. That I fucked up. I really have. The way I've been to you is no better than Shank and the shit he has said. I'm sorry. So sorry, Annie." He places a hand on my leg.
I place mine over his for a moment and squeeze before letting go and getting up. His face falls a little. "So its him, huh?" He asks crestfallen.
My lip turn up in a small, sad smile. "You and I both know its always been him, Schiz. But I really do like you."
"But You love him. Even after all the shit he's said to you and done?" He shakes his head.
"We don't get to choose." I simply shrug and walk back inside to Shank. He's at the bar drinking shots of brown with Whiskey and Jewel.
"What's going on?" I ask him.
He exhales and clenches his jaw for a second. "Got some information. Heading out soon."
Again? After last time? I take a deep breath. "Ok." I nod.
Silence spreads between us as we stare at each other. "Help hold shit down here till we get back, yeah?" He nods.
I nod too. "Of course."
"When I get back, babe, imma own that shit." His eyes hold nothing but promise.
I know what that means. An old lady patch and a brand. I suck my bottom lip in my mouth to fight a smile. "Yeah?"
He grins and grabs me by the ass, yanking me flat against him. "Fucking yeah, babe. Gonna put another kid in you too. Barefoot and pregnant in my kitchen."
I shake my head at his words but inside im excited. This is what I have wanted since I met Shank. "Better make it a quick trip then."
He laughs and kisses me.
"Let's fucking go, Seargant!" Lynol yells from the front door. The hum of multiple motorcycles coming to life outside can be heard.
Shank kisses my forehead and ruffles Shane's hair on his way outside. I stand here and watch and hope the next backfiring attack isn't on the father of my child.