Shank
Do it, you fucking pussy
Fine
I quickly towel off and am yanking on my jeans as I fummble out to the hallway. Desperate to apologize to her.
Schiz sits alone at the bar and Lynol is laughing with Panik in the lounge. No sign of missy.
Gosh dammit
Shane runs up to me. Like every other time I see him, my heart smiles in itself. He looks just like I did at that age.
I'm so fucking lucky to have him. He's what I needed to pull my head out of my ass. Which is where its been since Star and my brother.
When he ran up to her and grabbed on her leg like his life depended on it then peeped around her with those strikingly similar eyes, I knew. I knew he was mine. And then my blood ran cold. Because she knew he was mine and she kept him. For seven years, she kept him. And for that, I hated her.
"Shank!" He says my name excitedly. Like every time he calls me by my name instead of dad, I inwardly cringe. And that only makes me hate her more. But even so, shes the mother of my son and I shouldn't have said the shit I have to her.
God, her face yesterday when I called her a club whore and earlier when I made a comment about her pussy. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Neither of those compare to her face the day I called her a prison clause and our son was a mistake. My chest aches at the memory. Shanes face when he saw her crying. But even though I made her cry and embarrassed her infront of all of the club, she held herself together for Shane and told him to tell me bye. And for that I loved her. I love how much she loves. I love how much she cares.
Even on the inside, when we were only fucking (so I thought), she was caring after me. And not just my physical well being. She was always asking me about my day (though there's not much to it in prison) and how I was feeling. She was perfect. But I didn't give a fuck. I just wanted my dick wet and she was easy.
Looking back now, I should have known something was up when she was waiting by the gates. But egotistical me, I just thought she was there because she thought there was more to us than sex and had only then realized it. So I waved around my shiny old lady in her face. Only to have that shiny bitch cheat on me the whole time with my best friend.
If I hadn't wished kale was alive before that moment, I certainly did then. Kale and I would have beat his ass for touching my old lady. But Kale was dead (thanks to some over stepping bitch) and I beat his ass alone and stripped Star of her patch before putting her out on her ass. Literally. I stopped paying for everything and left her with nothing.
Call me a sick, but when I love, I love hard. And when I get fucked over, I hate harder. That's just how I'm wired.
"I'm hungry." My son pulls me by my hand to the kitchen. I don't know what food is in here. I glance around, looking for a female who can cook something out of nothing ie; Margo. Christ. She's here when you don't need her but not here when you do, therefore she's useless all together.
I set him up on the counter while I search for food in the pantry and fridge. Music starts up from the surround system and my son starts singing along to Guns N Roses. Well, Missy did something right. Or that damn club of pussies her fucking brother runs.
I find some boxes of Mac n cheese and make enough for both kids and then some. Shane seems happy enough with it though. Mikey too. So I'm not a total loss at this 'in charge of kids' thing. They wouldn't starve on my watch.
I put some in a bowl and head outside to watch them. I pass by the bar on the way, pass Schiz. But I stop.
"Something you wanna say?" He asks without looking at me.
"Shouldn't have said what I did earlier. To you or Missy." I apologize. I'm not necessarily regretful but I know what I said was wrong. He shakes his head.
"She said you say hurtful shit when you're mad. So maybe when you apologize to her, she'll forgive you. But me? I think you're a selfish child who throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way. So fuck you." His voice is calm and steady and he still doesn't look at me, which just pisses me off all over again.
And its a little unnerving. Raging on the inside but calm on the outside- until he wasn't calm anymore. Kinda why hes called Schiz. Not actually schizophrenic, more psycho. But psycho was just so unoriginal.
But I don't do shit but walk out. Whiskey and patch are sitting at a picnic table so I join them. Mike and Shane play with the football over on a clear piece of grassy land Lynol had made for Mike and Sydney.
The sound of a car catches my attention and my chest clenches at the sight of Missy's car. Why is she here so quickly? Is something wrong?
Only Lacie gets out of the car. The fuck? The rest of the club comes out, Panik and Schiz included. She grins at Panik like she always does when she sees him.
"You should go help Missy." She tells Schiz with a wink. His usual cock sucking smirk slides onto his face as he starts heading for his bike to do just that. I clench my fist under the table.
"Calm the hell down!" Lynol orders as everyone makes their way over to the table. I shake my head and push my food away, no longer hungry.
It takes all of two minutes for Shane to notice I don't want it and runs over to eat it for me. I smile at him and ruffle his hair.
"I want kids." Panik says suddenly.
"Well, don't look at me. Giving birth stretches you out no thanks." Lacie scrunches her face. A few us laugh and look at Lynol.
"Don't fucking ask me. I only actually slept with Margo AFTER she had our daughter." He laughs.
I have to stop a snort wanting to slip out. Everyone knows that's not his kid. But he loves her anyways. I can't begin to understand how you love a kid that's not yours.
They all look at me next. "How the hell would I know. I haven't fucked Missy since she had our boy. That's Schiz's job now." I mutter.
"Wouldn't matter anyways. Missy had an emergency c section." Lacie informs us. I look at her.
"C section. Why?" I ask.
She shrugs and I want to strangle her. That's not an answer. "The doctor explained it but I didn't understand anything. She tried pushing and started bleeding." Lacie says.
"You were there?" I ask.
"Well, yeah. I even stayed for a couple of months after to help. When they showed up here, its the first time I've seen Shane since then." She shifts herself more comfortably in Panik's lap.
"Did you know he was mine?" I ask her, the question coming out a little hard. If they're close enough to travel states to give birth together, she had to have known who the father was.
She doesn't answer for a minute and that's all the words I need. I glare at her. She glares right back.
"I knew all about you before I even met you, Shane. I knew who you were when Panik and I first slept together. And I knew about Shane." Each words is a blow to the gut. I get up and so does Panik, obviously so does she.
"You knew I had a kid? This whole time you have been parading around here?" I yell across the table. She smirks and cocks an eyebrow.
"Yup. But it wasn't my place to tell you. She didn't want you to know. That's why she left. She loved you, fucking asshole. And you made her think y'all had a future beyond those walls. So she waits for you. And you come bustling out to some fucking woman with a property patch. She was waiting there for you. To tell you she was pregnant. But you had a whole other family and you looked happy. So she left you alone. She let you be happy. She didn't want to ruin what you had. What would have happened if you and Star had stayed together, Shank? And then Missy comes along fucking pregnant? Do you know what chaos that would have brought. But out of love for you, she left you alone. So if you want to hate someone, you fucking fuck, hate yourself and the choices you made. Accept responsibility." She shouts. She starts breathing heavy at the end. Her chest heaving up and down.
I stand there, mulling over her words. Then I look over at where Shane stands watching us, wide eyes and frozen. Fuck.
Panik grabs her arm, mumbling something in her ear. She rips her arm from him.
"I know the rules, Patrick. I don't give a Fuck right now. You saw the shit he's been saying to her. How he's been treating to her. That's my best friend. And he's acting like a child with hurt feelings. You're almost 40, Shank. Fucking act like it. Let me go." She rips away from Panik.
No one says anything. This club is fucking weak. Women calling shots and now women mouthing off infront brothers. Men were all pussy whipped beyond thinking.
"Daddy!" Sydney runs from Margos car to an open armed Lynol. He kisses her head and places her in his lap. A warning glare is sent around the table to shit the fuck up in front of his kids. But its ok to yell in front of mine.
"Hey, baby." He beams down at her. I turn away, going inside to put the dishes back and grab Shane's shoes.
"Lets go, little man!" I call to him. Shane waves to Mike and Sydney as he runs over to me.
He's so obedient. Always listens. I don't know how she did it.
I hand him his shoes then put him in the truck and sealing him in. I start the truck and leave out to Missy's.
"Shank?" Shane asks.
"Yeah, buddy?" I say through the clench in my chest.
"Do you love mommy?" He asks.
I nearly slam on the breaks at his question.
"Why you asking that?" I ask instead of answering.
"Because mommy says love makes babies. So you had to love her at one time right?" He asks.
I don't answer but instead grind my teeth. Love?
"But not anymore because all you do is make her cry and yell at her. Like Derek." He says softly.
I flinch at that. I didn't think he was listening. And I definitely don't wanna be compared to that asshole. When I heard how he was talking to Missy and heard that bang of her being thrown to the wall, I lost my shit. She doesn't deserve to be treated like that.
But you treat her like that.
She kept my kid from me.
She didn't want to ruin the family you kept from her.
Shut the fuck up
I guess my subconscious had a point. I chose to lie to her and my lies got my kid hidden from me. If I hadn't lied she probably wouldn't have slept with me, wouldn't have gotten pregnant-
Then I wouldn't have a son
I look over at Shane to find he's already watching me. His brown eyes round and big. I smile at him.
"Your mom and I had love once, son." I don't know if it's a lie or not. I obviously care about Missy but at the same time I hate her for keeping Shane away but I'm also starting to realize that may have been my fault. This whole thing is a cluster fuck.
Shane runs into the house as soon as we pull in and I follow slowly. Schiz saunter out from the hall just as we walk in. He smiles at Shane and I wanna knock him the fuck out. He's wearing nothing but his jeans and his hairs wet. At least he has underwear on this time.
"Hey, Schiz!" Shane waves enthusiastically. "Where's mom?"
"Shower." He points. Fucking great. So they had shower sex too. I'm MY fucking house no less.
"Come to apologize to her too?" He asks me as he sits on the couch. This ones from her old house, so I guess the old ones out. I probably missed it on the curb as I was pulling in. I wasn't really paying attention during the whole moving thing. Not to the furniture anyways.
"I've involuntarily done a lot of thinking today. And you and Lacie seem to have the same opinions about me; being a child who throws fits. You might have a point." I admit with a causal shrug of one shoulder as I sit next to him.
He full out laughs at this. "You're bitter, Shank. And the hand you've been dealt in life has shit to do with it but being so pessimistic is only going to take energy you'll soon run out of and make you all that more hateful and angry. And life's too short for that, brother. You have a son. Love him. Try to find a girl to make you happy and give you more kids." Schiz hands me his beer. I don't like how he suggest finding a girl- that I can't have Missy. She has my son.
"The fuck are you? A shrink?" I joke, downing the rest. But I hear him. He laughs again. He always laughing or grinning about something. Makes me wonder what the hell he would know about having a shitty life or being bitter.
"I'm pretty fucking smart, thank you. I just didn't feel like going to college to make something of myself because that's what was expected. I just wanted to ride my bike. So I prospected for Lynol." He shoves my shoulder.
I respect that. And conforms my thought of what he would know about a shitty life. But shit, gotta be some reason he flips shit like he does.
"Shane! I'm in the shower!" Missy yells at our son.
I get up to get him. "Son, let your mom get cleaned. Come out here with us." I open the door to get him out.
Missy sends me a thankful look out the curtain. I try not to stare at her wet chest. Or imagine what the rest of her looks like wet. Shane nods and bounces back out with Schiz. I step in the bathroom and close the door. Hoping to fuck Schiz gets pissed
"Do I have to yell at you too?" Missy teases. I shake my head.
She should be cursing me out right now. Telling me to go to hell for the way I've been treating her. But instead shes teasing me. Being nice. Because Missy is that type of person. The person who forgives and moves on. Thinks the best of people. Gives the benefit of the doubt. I think back to what Schiz told me earlier. 'She says you say hurtful shit when you're mad. So if you apologize to her, she might forgive you...' And I sigh. That's not an excuse to apologize, though.
"I'm sorry for the shit I've been saying to you this past week, Missy. Lacie laid into me earlier and basically dumbed it down for me to understand. I hated you for keeping Shane away from me. Everytime he refers to me as Shank, I hate you more." I start. She opens her mouth to say something but I cut her off.
"Dont. But I've come to realize that were both at fault. Me just as much as you and I'm willing to start again and work things out with you." I tell her honestly. She beams. And for some reason making her smile makes me feel better than anything.
"That's great, Shank." She says. I nod once then leave out. I feel like a fucking pansy pouring my heart out like that. If that's even what your call that. But I'm tired of being angry and bitter. Like Schiz said, it takes up too much time and energy. And I got a kid I need to put that into now. A kid I have to get to call me dad.