'So comfortable...'
Jiraiya woke up to feeling a euphoric sensation as his body sank into the soft mattress, unwilling to open his eyes and lose the sluggish enjoyment of being on the edge of the dreamland. He didn't feel this good for months and was quite reluctant to let it go. Slowly getting a feel to his hand, Jiraiya's lips stretched into a lazy smile as he recognized what he was touching through experience alone.
A warm and tender body of a woman. The most pleasant thing he ever got to know.
Taking a deep breath, Jiraiya's nose was instantly assaulted by the air filled with the smell of sex, reassuring him that yes, yesterday he scored. If it was possible, Jiraiya's lips would stretch even into a bigger smile as his still half-asleep mind slowly gathered the facts.
His hand slowly crept up, dragging itself on the skin of the woman... the more it explored, the more Jiraiya's smile started changing into a frown and his brows started furrowing.
'What is this? Squishy?' Jiraiya's mind slowly woke up, making the spymaster's brain work as his fingers sank into...
Jiraiya abruptly opened his eyes, freezing at the sight in front of him.
Horror crept through Jiraiya's body as he saw the pile of pure fat lying next to him, taking up three-quarters of the whole bed. She was at the very least a head taller than him and thrice as wide, causing Jiraiya's eyes to almost pop out of their sockets. His body shivered as he realized what he thought to be breasts was actually her double chin causing him to retract his hand at a speed even Raikage would praise.
Just as Jiraiya's mind was close to finally rebooting, a loud farting noise resounded through the room, causing Jiraiya to scrunch his nose and realize that... the smell of sex, was only in his head and dreams. What he really smelt was more... putrid than anything else.
Needless to say, Jiraiya's horror only increased. He would have nightmares of this morning for months to come, he was sure of it.
So scary was his waking experience that he completely forgot to think about how he got into this situation and what he was doing yesterday. These things were not at the forefront of his thoughts when he had such a disastrous situation at hand. After all, waking up next to a pretty lady was quite common in his life of debauchery. Waking up next to... whatever it was that laid next to him... now that was something he never wanted to experience again.
'I couldn't be drunk enough to do... this, could I?' Jiraiya yet again shivered as he carefully stood up from the bed, looking for his clothes, as quietly as possible in order to not wake up the whale on the bed
As Jiraiya was half-way to putting his pants back on, the door suddenly opened, "So you are finally awake." A gruff old voice said, not sounding very pleased with the situation but also having a bit of resignation in its tone.
Jiraiya... didn't expect to be discovered. Hearing the voice was a big surprise for him, causing him to trip on the pants that were around his knees, sending him face-first into the stomach of the whale of a woman, abruptly waking her up and hugging him in reflex as if he was an overstuffed teddy bear.
The woman blinked off the sleep before sweeping her brown hair from her blue eyes with her stubby hand. It took her a few seconds to realize where she was, causing her to flush while Jiraiya's hands desperately flailed around, trying to get him away from her because of the acute lack of oxygen his face deep in her fat folds was currently experiencing.
"Oh, papa?" The woman yet again blinked.
"Good morning, Tsuname." The man who opened the door greeted, "I see you slept well." He added, a smirk creeping up his lips at the suffocating Jiraiya.
"Huh?" Tsuname tilted her head before she finally realized she was embracing somebody. The second her eyes fell on Jiraiya, they lit up like stars in the night sky, full of happiness. "Yes! Meet my hubby, papa!"
Jiraiya at long last managed to get hold of some of his strength and push himself away from what he now feared as the fatball of suffocating doom. Coughing, half due to his earlier predicament and a half because of what he just heard, he exclaimed, "Hubby!? What? I didn't agree! No way! I swore to be single for life! Yeah!" He desperately shook his head and tried to pull away from Tsuname. "You can't force me to... ah?"
Jiraiya suddenly stilled as his eyes finally landed on the face of the man in the door and his complexion turned paler than Orochimaru.
'Ah, shit.' He thought, recognizing the man who was frowning at him. Jiraiya's face then robotically turned towards the massive woman who called that exact man papa and Jiraiya felt despair embrace him as he realized the situation. 'Ah, double shit.' His eyes then strayed down, onto the sheets where a small patch of dry blood was located and Jiraiya's mind almost stilled to halt. 'Ah, triple SHIT! This time I really did it!'
"I see you finally realize what you did yesterday and its consequences, Jiraiya of the Sannin..." The man, Kazuhiro Iwako, stated. He was the brother of the Daimyo of the Land of Earth and one of the three most important nobles of his country. His tone then changed to utter discontent as he added, "My new son-in-law."
Jiraiya could only faint in horror.
...
"Was it necessary?" Kaya asked the smirking Pakura who sipped on her tea. "It was simply down-right cruel."
"Ah, Kaya, it was the most beneficial choice for us. Killing Jiraiya is simply dumb since Konoha knew he went here to investigate. But Konoha also knows what a horndog he is, you see." Pakura snickered. "You know that each country has its own customs and it just so happens that one of the five greatest nobles of the Land of Earth where taking the virginity of a willing daughter of a noble is as good as marriage was visiting Uzushio. The fact his ugly daughter couldn't get engaged to anyone no matter how good of a deal he offered is just making the entire thing better!" She smugly explained, "The poor old perv had no chance from the start."
Kaya facepalmed, "And it just so happens this whole thing will either make Konoha and Iwagakure who hate each other's guts a bit closer, preventing any possible spark of war." Kaya was a bit unwilling to admit it but the plan was well thought out. "With Suna being preoccupied with the feud between the Kazekage and the Daimyo, Kirigakure being on the brink of the civil war, and Kumogakure being the sole threatening existence... yeah, if Iwagakure and Konoha show the common front, no matter how frail and false it would be, Kumogakure would not dare start anything big."
"Or..." Pakura uncaringly shrugged, "Jiraiya will act like a dumbass and run which would actually start a war between Konoha and Iwagakure, weakening them even further which in turn would probably make Kumogakure join. In the end, the Biri-Biri company would make more profit for the time being. I don't see any loss here. Both options mean the focus on Uzushio will significantly reduce which would decrease your workload by a lot."
Kaya couldn't believe what she was hearing. Yes, she knew this was a do-or-die kind of deal. Either Jiraiya is smart, stops his life of debauchery, and suffers a marriage with the oh-so-noble oversized girl, or he runs... starting a war.
Honestly, in no way was Konoha able to afford a war at the moment. It was weakened due to Kyuubi and then even its economy suffered because of the debacle with Yukigakure. As much as the Third Hokage likes Jiraiya, this was a mess he could not clear up for his pupil. One man's happiness simply wasn't worth the continued existence of the entire village.
In short, Jiraiya damn well knew what the answer would be if he asked Konoha for help.
Kaya shuddered at the cruelty of Pakura's revenge for wasting her time. Damned if do, damned if don't. 'But to think Pakura thought about how her actions would benefit Uzushio before doing something that would change the entire political climate of the Elemental Nations... I see, this is why she is Rei's Jonin Commander, huh?'