I groaned and then groaned some more. Although I had assumed the overall comfort of medieval life would not be as "cushy" as modern times, my presumption was severely underestimated.
Groan...
Sitting up from my "bed" that was actually a series of rickety boards offset from the ground via more rickety boards, covered in a sheet that I assumed was supposed to be my mattress, and a few pillows that were little more than stacks of hay, I sighed for what felt the millionth time in less than twenty four hours.
My room was a very small, cramped space. It had a "bed", one nightstand, a window, a small desk that looked as if mice had eaten through half it's lifespan, and a small bucket for, well let's not talk about that...
Anyway, it was time to start my new adventure and to do that I needed equipment! Raising my arm up towards the sky with a clenched fist, I set my sights to the heavens, (a shabby wooden roof) and declared to the world my steely resolve, I would become the best wizard this second-rate fantasy land had ever seen!
...
Village of Marifort: 436 K.D. and some minutes later...
...
"What do you mean there's no breakfast!" My arms made a very unappealing windmill motion in my agitation.
The bartender, (I still didn't know his name) Stared with his blank unassuming gaze, similar to pools of stagnant water, "Well... it's past breakfast time."
I rubbed my forehead, (Why does it feel like I'm going to be doing this very often from now on?) "What do you mean it's past breakfast time? The sun just came up!"
The bartender, ever diligent in his duty, polished off another wooden mug, "Yup."
My face scrunched up, "Is this going to be a thing between us, I ask a question and you give me a very vague, unhelpful answer?"
"Yup."
I rubbed my forehead again, trying to calm myself, (Large amounts of stress and anxiety are bad for you Benjamin, just calm down, here I'll give you a treat if you're a good boy! You're a good boy aren't you Benjamin, yes you are!)
"I am a good boy!"
The bartender's eyebrows rose
I coughed, face flushed in embarrassment, "Anyway, how can breakfast already be over, the day hasn't even begun yet." I nodded over to the large dining room filled with round wooden tables, sparsely filled with very dirty and slightly smelly villagers. "There's barely anyone here yet, do you not feed them?"
The bartender smiled a small lazy smile, "Of course... I do. They're already... gone. Breakfast... starts at 4... in the... morning. Adventurers are... early risers... after all."
Dread slowly rose from my stomach in what felt oddly similar to bile, "You mean, I'll have to wake up..." My voice lowered to a whisper as I leaned in over the bar counter, "early..."
The bartender's smile widened, "Yup"
"Fuck."
...
Village of Marifort: 436 K.D. and many more minutes later...
...
Standing in front of a "relatively" and I say that loosely, as in looser then a certain German man with a certain tiny mustaches' morals, nice storefront, I read the sign.
Gables' Bargain Weapons and Equipment Emporium
(What is this, the dollar store of fantasy land?)
Walking through the brightly colored blue doors I heard the chime of a bell and the clamoring of someone not expecting a guest or the presence of any type of human being whatsoever.
"Ahh." A loud, high-pitched, voice made an ahh sound...
"Ahh?"
I looked at the small gnome looking man behind the counter. He was dressed in an oddly out of place, but never the less, stylish three-piece suit, accompanied by a small round monocle sat precariously atop his long pointed red nose.
His beady eyes rested on my sort-of clothed form.
"Hmm, yes, ahh indeed."
"I see."
He shook his head, "No of course you don't, if you did, in fact, SEE, then you would have matched your brown rags with something of the same color palette, but no!!! You just had to go and put some yellow in the mix, I can even see some purple! GOOD HEAVENS!" The store owner's short arms were flung up towards the sky in outrage, his long pointed nose twitching, "Just look at you, your rags are all wrong, but I suppose I could fix them, that's why you're here aren't you?" His beady black eyes bore into my face.
Feeling, suddenly, very self conscious, I looked down at my rags. (Yes there were some yellows, maybe a little purple, but it wasn't that bad... was it? Wait is that Red?)
I looked back up at the store owner/ gnome man, "Uh yes, I'm looking for some starter adventuring equipment, got any suggestions?"
The gnome store owner smiled and large toothy smile, "Why of course, why didn't you say so before! Come, come, right this way, young adventurer, I can see you're going to be a hero in the future!"
Moving over towards the gnome with a little pep in my step he began listing all the equipment he had in the front of his shop, swords, maces, wizard robes and wands, he had plenty of knick knacks but then he leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, his hand covering the side of his mouth facing the store front's windows as if someone were listening in on our little conversation.
"Now I'm sure you're interested in all these items, they're good quality for sure, but really I don't think they're up to your standard. I can see you've got the makings of a hero, so I'll offer you a one time discount on something I've got in the back..."
My heart began racing, this was my cheat code! Soon I would become the most powerful wizard on the planet, I would have princesses at my beck and call, demon lords groveling at my feet, and the king kneeling in supplication!
But then the gnome's smile looked oddly familiar, very similar to the bartender from before... (This sack of shit!!! He's trying to play me!)
The gnome's smile grew wider, "So what do ya say, young adventurer, normally it costs 500 gold but I'll sell it to ya for say... 9 gold and 94 coppers."
And surely enough that was the exact amount of money I had left, the only questions was how had he figured that out?
I grabbed his shoulder and leaned in very close to his slightly twitching but still smiling face, "I know what you're doing... so I'm only going to ask you this once... how did you figure out how much money I have in my coin purse, hmm?"
The gnome's happy exterior began to crack as his pale face began to sweat, "What, I have no idea what you're talking about!" He tried to back away but my grip grew more firm, "Unhand me at once or I'll... tell everyone you tried to kiss me!"
My face became dull, "Really?"
His face grew red in embarrassment, "What, it's a valid threat, I'll have you know I was a very sought after suitor in my home town!" He tried, a little too hard, to convince me.
I shook my head, "Look, we both know no one's going to believe you, so let's just get this out of the way. I need some equipment. I looked down at my rags. "You need some customers." I nodded towards the very empty and very dusty store, "And no one can solve these issues for us but each other, so what do ya say, let's start over? I'll even forget that you knew how much money I had to use."
The gnome man looked like he swallowed a very bitter and disgusting pill but finally agreed, "Fine." Letting go of the gnome's shoulder, he quickly hopped back behind his desk, and stood on a small unseen stepping stool in order to reach my height.
Speaking in a very rushed and monotone voice the gnome man began to speak, "Welcome to Gables' Bargain Weapons and Equipment Emporium, I'm Gables and this is my store, we sell superior weapons and armor for a fraction of the price, how may I help you today?"
I smiled, "Ah yes, I'm a new adventurer and aspiring wizard, could you please recommend some starter equipment for my upcoming travels?"
Gables' beady eyes stared out, unfocused and impassive, "Why yes, of course young adventurer, right this way." Leading me to a small section of the front store room I could see a large variety of robes, staves, and wands.
Gesturing towards the products with a flourish of his small, slightly green, hand, Gables began to speak once again, "These are my starter items for beginning adventurers, we have many items to choose from, all offering limited protection against most melee weapons and some forms of elemental magic, please choose..."
Looking over the assorted items I found a dazzling blue robe with silver stars emblazoned across the entire clothing piece, It was beautiful, "I'll take this one!" Picking up the robe, I handed it off to the gnome who quickly took it and folded it across his forearm, "Excellent choice young adventurer" he continued in his dull voice, "Now please choose your preferred weapon."
Quickly finding an old dark wooden stave that's height reached my head, I chose it as well as a large floppy wizards hat that matched my robe, (Yes... this will do nicely) I grinned.
"I'll take all of these please."
Moving over to the counter the gnome placed my items on the wooden desk and spoke, "That will be 2 gold for the lot."
Handing over the gold, the gnome gave me my newly acquired items and spoke again, "Thank you for your patronage, now kindly, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SHOP!!!" Eyes blazing with fury, the very small but suddenly imposing gnome chased me and my wonderfully in-style robes out of his small Bargain shop.