Chapter 12 - How could I… Just forgive myself!
I just had to do it. I just had to hurt Yui. One of the only people to care about me. One of the only people that gave me a chance. And I blew it. Now, she'll never forgive me. Hell, I doubt that I'll forgive myself. I was supposed to protect her, and I couldn't even do that properly. I hurt her. Badly. I'm the worst. I'm pathetic. I'm still weak.
I couldn't hear anything. Not the voices, not my hands punching the ground with enough force to crack it and scatter dirt everywhere. Not even my thoughts, raging like a tornado in my mind. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear everyone call me a monster, a freak.
I shouted out, my voice hoarse and strained, holding back choked sobs. "You can hear me, can't you Mazoku. You damn flame. Why don't you fix this. Fix what you did. If this power of yours only gets the people closest to me hurt, then I don't want it. Just take it back!"
For a moment, there was nothing, just the deafening silence. Then, Mazoku spoke once again.
"Your power is a fire, is it not? Doesn't a fire consume all that it touches. Doesn't it leave no room for anything to get in it's way. Even the people it deems close. A fire will always burn everything away, for one goal, to get stronger. Isn't that what you wanted, to get stronger?"
I didn't know what to say. Words refused to form in my head. However, there was one thing that I knew.
He was right. This was what I wanted. What I always wanted. This was the power that I always dreamed about. But, what if I was wrong. What if I wanted the wrong thing.
My mind raced, hundreds, if not thousands of thoughts raced through my mind. Each and every one of them came to one conclusion. I was a monster. A power hungry monster. And I hurt someone close to me because of it.
Tears slowly formed in my eyes, slowly rolling down my cheeks. I used to be afraid of how weak I was. Now however, I'm scared of using my magic to hurt someone. I don't want to be strong, to be at the top, if this is what it means.
I slowly rose off of the muddy grass, clambering to my feet. I took one last look at Yui. All I could think of saying was, "I don't want to hurt you anymore, it's better this way."
I took a sharp breath, trying to calm myself, before heading back to the school.
Try as I might, tears wouldn't stop falling as I walked the empty halls of Tejinashi High, my thoughts drifting to one thing.
'I couldn't protect her.'
I looked up to see my reflection in one of the windows. My eyes, which had once been a brilliant bright blue, had now become a dull, lifeless blue.
'This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be strong, not a monster.'
Yes, I was strong, I did have the power that I always dreamed about, but this wasn't the way I wanted to use it. I wanted to be able to help, and to save everyone with the power that I was given. In the end, I couldn't even do that.
My feet had been navigating me through the empty halls, when they suddenly stopped at the roof entrance. I just wanted to be alone, and this was the one place where I could achieve that.
I pushed open the door, a slight squeaking of the hinges being the only sound. The wind had now picked up, becoming strong enough to slam the door shut behind me. My messy hair blew into my face, before I gently pushed it back into place. For a while, I just stared at the city below, my mind racing and my heart confused.
"This is it. I'm supposed to be the strongest. To be able to beat anyone and anything. So why do I still feel like I'm the weakest." I exhaled loudly, my frustration becoming known as I knew nobody was around to hear me. "I wasn't strong enough to stop myself from hurting her, so how can I really be the strongest."
I let out a sigh fueled by the hatred that I felt for myself.
'There's nothing that I can do anymore. I really am pathetic.' I was more than ready to hate myself forever.
I walked back over to the roof entrance and sat against the wall, I didn't want to go back to lesson. I didn't want to scare Yui away.
It didn't take long for me to drift off to sleep.
Darkness. That was all I could see. My senses picked up nothing. There was no sound, no light, nothing to touch. But suddenly, my body rocketed forward, before I was back into the same place I was before, on the field, with Yui and Hikari. It all felt way too real.
My inner musings were cut short, however, when I heard Yui speak to me.
I looked straight at her. Her lips parting, and saying the one thing I never wanted to hear. Especially not from her.
"You're a monster Amon."
My eyes bolted open, as my frantic breathing calmed down slightly. There was a thin layer of cold sweat surrounding me. "Must've been a nightmare…" I muttered.
I rubbed my eyes and looked forward, only to see Yui stood in front of me. Her hair gently blowing in the now calm wind. She was gorgeous.
I looked straight into her eyes, fully expecting to see the exact same disappointment and shame as I did in my nightmare. My body started to slowly tremble in a mix of fear and sadness as my anxiety spiked. Tears slowly rolled down my face and puddles on the ground.
Yui quickly rushed to my side once again, and cupped my cheek in one of her hands.
"Amon…"
My tears kept flowing, as I interrupted her. "Yui… I'm so, so sorry. I hurt you. I hurt you, and now I have to live with that. I can't forgive myself. I won't forgive myself."
This time, there was no difficulty in finding the right words as I meant everything I said.
I was about to say something else, when you stopped me. She softly muttered a "shut up," and firmly, yet tenderly, pressed her lips against mine. My eyes opened for a fraction of a second in surprise, before I willed them shut. I leaned into the kiss, my right hand cupping the left side of her face.
She started to pull back, so I, reluctantly, did the same. Both of us growing and impossibly bright red. I stuttered a little, as my brain fought to cat up to my actions. "Y-Yui… W-Why?"
With the blush on our faces growing dimmer, she said, "It's because you fought those people from our class, all to protect me. You, Amon, are my hero."
The tears in my eyes slowly faded, my mind becoming clearer. "B-But I hurt you.."
She flashed me a gentle smile, "Amon, it doesn't matter. In the end, you defended me. I didn't mind getting hurt to defend you too."
I never thought of it that way. I was so caught up in my self loathing, I never once considered the fact that she might not hate me. My eves slowly started to regain their royal blue color. "Well, if that's how you want to put it then, I'm not going to argue. However, I will make a promise. I will never hurt you with my magic again. I swear."
Her gentle smile grew bigger and brighter as she stated, "Yeah, I'd like that."
Yui sat next to me and slowly lowered her head against my shoulder as we stared out at the city.
I occasionally spared a few glances towards Yui, but stopped when we caught each other's
eyes, both turning bright red.
I didn't quite know what me and Yui were. All I knew was that I was a hero.
Her hero!