When I wake up,I'm shaking and sweating.I still can't breathe.
It's like when you've been under water for too long.When you finally get out you can breathe but it still feels like you can't.You know you survived but it doesn't feel like it.
We're in a bathtub.Liam is holding me against his chest.There's cold water around us.Its freezing.
"Shhhhh,it'll help you snap out of it.I know right now it feels like you're still having a panic attack.Like you're still dying but the water will give you a jolt.
Like a slap in the face"
I'm calming down a little.Between struggling to breathe and now being in freezing water,my voice is shakey.
"Pprobably not the bessst metaphor considering that I'm freaking out because I was psychically abused"
"You're funny"
He holds me tighter,like I'm slipping away.Maybe I am.I don't want him to let go but damn I can't breathe
"And you hate that"
"Not anymore"
He isn't shaking.The water is freezing and he isn't affected by it.
I try to hold it in but I can't.The whole tough girl act falls.I start wailing.I can't hold it in anymore.And it isn't making my breathing any easier.
All the things he'd say to me,do to me.He hated me,I could see it in his eyes.I've never had a father,just an abuser.
And even when we survived it I lost my mother.She never looks at me for too long.I remind her of him.That monster.
"Shhhhhhh,he won't hurt you.I swear it.Just breathe.Lets do it together love.Breathe with me"
He keeps holding me.I'm breaking.He can't stop that.So he holds me.
He holds me tightly but his arms feel like a whisper.I want him to keep holding me tighter.Here in his arm I feel safe,wanted..seen.
This person can't be a killer.Could he?