I paced anxiously around my room. I was feeling nervous about talking with my mom. Like actually striking a conversation with her. My mom that I haven't had a proper conversation with for 3 years.
Great.
I sat down on my bed and did what Christian taught me whenever I felt anxious. Close your eyes and take.5.deep.breaths.
Okay you can do this Ashley
I close my eyes, in and out, 1, in and out,2, ......, in and out, 5.
Great. You can do this girl.
It has been a month since Raven came by and I guess Christian was right. She is all talk.
I stood up and walked down stairs to the kitchen to meet my mom by the counter staring at Lucy's picture, and holding a bottle of wine. She didn't even notice my presence.
"Um...hey.....mom." I choked out but she didn't move a muscle.
"Mom?" Again no response.
This is going to be really hard
"Mother?" Finally, she stood up and was about to walk out of wine the kitchen when I asked something that stopped her in her tracks.
"Are you really my mother?" Silence, silence and silence.
"What did you say?" She slowly turns to me and I swallow nothing in particular.
"I said, are you really my mother?"
"And why would you think that Ashley?" She asks as if daring me to say something off.
"And what do you think the answer is?"
"What?" She seemed shocked that I answered her question with a question.
Good.
"Ever since Lucy died,you always acted like she was the only daughter you had, like I was a stranger, that you-"
"Is that why you asked that question?" She interrupted me.
"Well, I didn't have any other reason for you to be acting like this."
"Ashley I lost a daughter!!!" Her voice rises a little.
"And you emotionally killed the other one!!" She looked taken aback with my sudden outburst.
"What?"
"Ever since Lucy died, you placed everything on me. Okay, I ran out of the house. Okay, I drove the car. Okay, I ran into a tree. But it wasn't only her in the car mom!!" My voice was starting to rise every second. "I could have also died! I could have been brain dead. I-" I was practically shouting now.
"You neglecting me, pushing me aside, after all the trauma I faced, all the nightmares I had, MOM, I ALSO HAD TO SEE MY SISTER SUFFER! You blaming everything on me after all that happened, emotionally killed me mom! It was killing me! I was depressed! When I needed my mother the most, she treated me like a total stranger!" I could feel an headache coming, so I went to one of the cupboards and grabbed an aspirin and a glass of water. Popped them into my mouth and set the glass in the sink. I didn't wait for a reply, I walked out of the kitchen and ran up to my room.
I laid on my bed and covered myself with my duvet. There was a soft knock on my door.
"It's open."
The door gently opens and my mom walks in.
"Hey." She called gently. "Can I sit?" She asks pointing to my bed.
"Sure." I sat up and sighed. She begins to talk.
"When I got married to your father, I couldn't give birth early. A year passed, then 2,3, then 5 years passed, I couldn't conceive. I was devastated. So your father and I made a decision to adopt a child and we found out a woman was dying due to hunger and lack of nutrition. She was already on her death bed. She had a one year old daughter, who her mother wanted her to live, so she gave her to me because she said I had a look in my eyes that told her, her baby girl will be in safe hands. I promised her that I'll keep her daughter safe and she wouldn't die early. That woman died shortly after. The one year old we adopted was Lucy.
What?
The look of shock must have been evident on my face because she smiled.
"But-"
"I know, she resembles you guys. It was also shocking to me also. So two years after, I conceived, the joy I knew had no bounds. Then I gave birth to Tyler. I didn't love Lucy less though. I still loved her like my own daughter.
So when she died, I felt like l had betrayed her mother. And the pain and guilt I felt then was too much for me to handle. Losing a child, I promised her dying mother to keep safe was really painful. So I needed someone to blame, someone to put the guilt on because I didn't want to carry it alone, and who better to blame than the person who was there when it all happened." She gently takes my hand in hers and squeezes it.
"Honey, I'm deeply sorry for how I acted and treated you.I blamed you and I emotionally hurt you. I also know you were there, but I wasn't thinking. I just lost a child who wasn't blood related but I treated my real one like a stranger. I'm so sorry for not being there when you needed me.
Honey, I'm so so sorry. When you questioned my maternity for you, it finally hit me. That I failed to the extent my daughter doesn't believe, I'm her mom." She was already in tears and I was starting to feel bad for raising my voice at her earlier.
"I'm sorry mom." I hug her.
"No. I'm sorry. And I promise to always be there for you and start acting like a mother again." She pulls away and I wipe her tears with my hands.
"Oh that reminds me. I'll be right back." She stood up and walks out of the room. She comes back a while later, holding a white envelope and she sits back on the bed.
"The night before Lucy died, she told me to give you this letter." She said holding out the white envelope.
What?