My name is connor, a diagnosed sociopath, I don't really give a fuck about anything anymore. When I was twelve years old I was forced to be homeschooled and put under extreme care because I was showing symptoms of being a psychopath. My classmates parents complained to my mother and even pressed charges against her for traumatic damage to their children. I couldn't help it, I was consumed by something, a monster, it felt like there were people screaming at me, constant yelling and crying in my mind, it was so loud and it would never stop.
I would start laughing and crying out of nowhere, have mental breakdowns and commit random acts of violence. That's when my mother decided to take me to a doctor to get a professional diagnosis. The doctor I was taken to didn't have much experience so i didn't get exactly what I needed, I was given medicine to supposedly help my "craziness." It was really just a handful of drugs and illegal substances that would decrease my emotions and affect the way I react to things, whether it's something negative or positive. It didn't work.
The only time I could escape the hell I was experiencing, also known as everyday life, was when I sleep, ever since I had to visit a therapist, my mother started tucking me into bed, I didn't know why so I just assumed it was because she felt bad for me. She would sit in my room until I was asleep, humming my favorite song and every time she was finished she would whisper two words, "a stranger," my mom still continued years later saying those words to me, to her I am only a stranger. A complete stranger whom she takes care of and feeds. I am now a senior in high school. My mind is dark and clustered, a big cloud. I can't breathe well and I always feel confused. I'm broken. I'm a stranger. I don't mean anything to anyone and will never will, I'm just a mistake in the simulation. I don't belong anywhere, nor will I. I got addicted to a false reality. Still I carried on.
Somehow I made it to 17. I have a girlfriend now, her name is Alyssa, she's the only thing keeping me alive i'm pretty sure. Her beautiful eyes seem to always comfort me and make me feel like I'm somewhat a good person that can be loved. she doesn't think i'm a stranger, she loves me. Accepts me for who I am, and doesn't force me to do anything. or that's what I thought. She always says good morning but today she didn't, she wasn't answering my calls, and she definitely wasn't going to. I knew it would happen someday but I really hoped it wouldn't.
September 15, 2015, today I lost the most important person to me. I decided to stand in front of the diner Alyssa worked at, and watch her through the big front window which also displayed my appearance, a slightly tall black haired boy, with slicked back hair and a black loose polo. She finally noticed my glaring stare and proceeded to walk towards the diners door. When i'm around her I feel safe and comfortable, she made me happy, even though she didn't understand me that much. I smiled at her brightly, she was the most beautiful girl there could ever be. she was walking on the sidewalk instead of in the grass like she normally does, as her heels clinked against the concrete, my smile slowly faded. I saw her dejected frown and clenched fists, the anger in her eyes stung. She sped up her walking and she was now less than a foot close to me, she lifted up her fist, and yelled, "Don't remember me," before I could ask what she meant she punched me in my nose.
She knew I had broken my nose before, it was a major weak spot for me. my nose made a loud cracking sound, the punch wasn't hard enough for me to pass out right away but before I lost conciseness, I could see her, her silky black hair, black dress, and white stiletto shoes walking away from me. Apparently the only thing I couldn't see was her true intentions and undermining words. I finally started to give up, and fell to the ground, as dizzy as I was I decided it didn't matter to me anymore. Yesterday was the time of our lives, and now I was just a dumb boy laying in front of a food establishment completely passed out with another broken nose still spewing out blood. Some people fall in love with the wrong people sometimes. The night my father abandoned me he said one thing to me, "I will not accept a son who cannot appreciate me," thats when I finally realized I have no future. I could feel the same pain just now that I did on that night. The pain of losing someone you really loved and knowing it was your fault. Some things aren't meant to be.
I, Connor, will never experience what it's like to be loved. To be accepted. Or to be viewed as something more than a stranger.