Socializing is a challenge in my life. I feel envious every time I witness people who are well-versed in the field of socializing with other people.
"How do they do that? How do they have the courage to deal with different types of personalities?" I said to myself.
These problems seem puzzling to me. I feel discouraged because I do not feel my purpose in our world. My name is Greg, and now I will share my transition about changing my outlook on life.
I am currently studying at Crestfield National High School and as I said, I have no friends. I feel embarrassed to approach people. I don't know how to open a conversation. I'm afraid of other people's judgment, so I chose to be antisocial.
I love reading books because I enjoy it more and for me, fictional life is better than reality. I'll just use my creative mind to bring those in my imagination to life. This is a part of my life, and the movement of my imagination. Colorful, spectacular and joyful.
One day I went to the hospital to visit my Aunt Fely who was currently in the hospital. As I was walking home, I saw a book.
"Looks like someone left it here" I said to myself.
I read the book to find out its contents but I was shocked to see that it turned out to be a diary.
I saw my half-Japanese classmate Ashley.
"Thank you, I've been looking for that for a while."
"Ah I found it here, here you go." I replied.
I did not expect Ashley to be the owner of that book. Ashley is the opposite of me. She is cheerful, sociable, always dependable, approachable and most of all she is smart, beautiful and kind. But sometimes she has a childish mind.
"Oh what, were you surprised by what you saw?" she said.
"You know stage 4 liver cancer has a low survival rate, so now I'll have more fun!"
"They say there is no need for a transplant here. It just needs to remove the cancer cells."
"Why are you quiet? Do you have anything else to say?" she added.
I had no response and I kept walking home. I did not expect her to wait for me near the park. She approached me and said, "I want you to accompany me before I die!"
I thought to myself and I said, "Why me? Why of all the people in the world, I am the one you want to be with before you die?" Only laughter was her response. I was a bit confused but maybe one day I'll know the answer.
The next day she invited me to eat at a cafe and she shared with me her story about her ex-boyfriend Sean and she added, they were just separated because they did not deserve each other.
We saw one of our classmates, Suzy, and approached us.
"What the hell is this Ashley?"
"Oh, Suzy, he is my friend, Greg. Greg, she is my bestfriend, Suzy."
"Are you dating?" Suzy replied.
"No, I just ate here with him." Ashley said.
"Suzyyy, we're leaving!" Suzy's friends shouted.
Suzy left but she gave me a suspicious look.
Today is the beginning of our school break, Ashley invited me to go on a "vacation trip". We went to different sights (malls, parks, etc). We bought our favorite foods, (and I found out that she loves brownies), we went to a karaoke, we played at an arcade, we rode various amusement park rides and eventually we thought of eating at a restaurant.
There we had a deeper conversation about our lives. I shared with her that I always think about what other people think of me. For me, I am a boring person, so I have no friends. I prefer to read books alone. In this situation, nothing will bother me. I am comfortable in this situation myself.
Ashley then stated her life views, "Since I was young, I am friendly, I want to know people more, and I am consistent that my circle of friends has increased, like that. So I smile at other people so they can smile at me too. " she said.
"You know we can't control how other people will respond to us," I replied.
"Yes, but maybe it would be better if we treated them well even without waiting for something in return." she replied.
We joked with each other but I could see in her eyes that she is feeling bitter because of the pain she has been carrying. I'm probably just thinking that she is going through a very difficult time of her life. She manages to smile even though she is hurt deep inside. After a few minutes, we left and went home.
The next day, Ashley took me to her house because she wanted to show me her favorite book, "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad. She wanted me to read her favorite book. When we arrived, she said that her parents were not around and we will be playing video games.
While we're playing she said, "Why don't you have a girlfriend yet? Didn't such things come to your mind?".
I replied, "I'm a boring person so I'm not open to people."
"Don't you think I can be your girlfriend?" she said. I was stunned and silent.
I picked up the book she had lent me and I suddenly left. I heard Ashley shout my name over and over.
When I left, I encountered her ex-boyfriend Sean outside and she asked me why I was with him. I did not answer him, but my only response was, "There are different reasons why things happen. As we continue to exist in this world we live in, we are on a journey where we are constantly searching for answers. "
He punched me hard and I fell down. Ashley saw the incident. Sean exclaimed, "Hey hello Ashley hehehehe, I'm just doing it for your sake, I'm just thinking about you here".
Ashley replied, "If you really care about me, you won't hurt the people who are very important to me. Why are you so selfish Sean? What have I done to you to treat me like this? Go away Sean! Go away! Stay away from me, I don't need you! Stop forcing your disgusting pity on me!"
Ashley approached me and I asked her, "Why me Ashley? Why am I the one you chose to accompany you before you die? I don't deserve it. Your bestfriend Suzy deserves it even more. It was just an accident that we met in hospital."
Ashley replied, "It's not an accident, Greg. It's our choice, our choice to get here. Right now I can't answer your question. I don't know the reason why. But I'll keep going. looking for a reason before I disappear. "
The next day, Ashley was rushed to the hospital because she suddenly lost consciousness. I visited her in the hospital and we played Truth or Dare. We asked various questions like, "Who is the kindest person for you?" "What do you want from someone?" etc.
And for the last question, I asked her.
"For you, what is life?"
She fell silent and suddenly looked out the window. There she showed me the people, smiling while doing different activites.
Ashley said, "Life is ... about having relationships, loving oneself and others, paying attention to oneself and others. You cannot say that you are alive if you decided to be alone with your whole life. God created man to communicate. We make up for each other's shortcomings. "
"For me, love is what keeps people alive. We choose to live every moment because of love. In our life, we travel until we find an answer. I just thought, what if we already have the answer right in front of us but we just can't recognize and appreciate it? Time is scary because we don't know what will happen tomorrow and the next day."
My response to her was, "I don't know what else I have in myself that should be appreciated."
Ashley said, "Your life, you should appreciate that, your life is a gift. Other people want to live, like me, I keep smiling but I do not know when I will breathe my very last breath. If you're looking for someone who loves and understands you, here I am."
A pinch in my heart was brought to me by the words Ashley uttered.
"Ashley?" I said.
"Why?" She replied.
"Thank you, Ashley, thank you for everything you taught to me. Thank you for the things that you made me understand. Thank you." I replied to her.
She hugged me tightly. Ashley added that she want me to accompany her tonight to see the fireworks from a high place.
I agreed to the offer and her parents allowed her to fulfill her request. After a few minutes, we're on a high terrain, just the perfect place to witness the beautiful fireworks display. As we waited for the fireworks, each of her smiles served as a light on the dark night.
I asked her, "You're not going to die, am I right?"
"I don't know. Everyone are going to die, right?" she replied.
"You don't want me to die?" she added.
"Yes." I said softly. "Please don't die. Don't give up on your pain. Just keep that precious smile of yours in your life. Ashley. Thank you, thank you very much."
The fireworks display has started and we are touched by the beautiful scenery. This is a wonderful moment. This is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
"Oh, thank you." Ashley said.
And we hugged each other.
"It's fun when you feel the warmth of a hug from the person you want to be with but you can't call him as a boyfriend or something," she said.
My heart overflowed with joy as I hugged Ashley.
A hug from someone who gave color to my dull life. A hug from someone who gave me enough reason to stay alive. A hug from someone who joined me as I fell into a dimension that only caused negativity. A hug from someone who was there for me, who made me feel the importance of life, who made me feel how to live. Thank you, Ashley.
The next day, I woke up early but it was different from the previous days. I greeted my mother with a "Good morning!" at the same time applying smiles to my lips. Ashley had helped me a lot, I don't know how she was able to color my useless world. I feel very relieved. I greeted every person on the road with a smile. And then I suddenly thought, "This is Ashley's operation. May it be successful." I went to church to pray for her. Ashley's family then called me to help for the surprise they prepare for her in case the operation was successful. We bought decorations and planned to cook cake, spaghetti, coffee jelly and much more.
A few hours later, Ashley called me and I was very relieved because the operation was successful. It caused a huge smile on my lips. I feel like I am the happiest person in the world. I did not expect that one day I would be so happy. I did not think that this woman will bring me a strange feeling which cannot be replaced by any material thing. This is the power of love, it can heal the wounds of yesterday.
I visited the hospital after her operation, I hugged her tightly and I am very grateful to her and to God for the wonderful grace that is in front of me. Ashley said, "When I get out of the hospital, let's go to the beach, go for a walk and paddle. Then we go to the museum near our school." There are a lot of sights and places she wanted to go with me but she added something else.
"But there's only one scene that I like the most."
I wondered what that was. "What?" I answered.
"Anata no egao wo." she replied. I wondered what that word meant and she said that I would know that one day.
A few days later, we prepared the surprise because Ashley's mother who is watching over her, called. They seem to be on their way home. I am glad she came. Food, balloons, karaoke, decorations and party poppers are ready. We're just waiting for her mother's signal. I waited near a street to witness Ashley's descent and also to tell her family that she had arrived.
At sunset, Ashley's mother's car arrived but it went down to the bakery. I ran away and informed her relatives. After a few minutes we waited longer and they asked me if I'm just joking. I wondered why they were still late.
It was later reported on TV that a woman had been stabbed, just a few minutes ago. We saw on TV that Ashley was the woman who was stabbed and her mother was shown being interviewed in TV. Her mother told that a man was trying to get her bag and they ran away. The man caught up with her mother but Ashley blocked and sacrificed her life so her mother would not be stabbed. Her mother cried and Ashley said that everything she wanted to say was in the diary.
"I love you all so much, goodbye." These are said to be Ashley's last words before she died.
When I saw the news, it seemed as if heaven and earth landed down on me. I did not know what to do because there was no single person in the world who understood me. The person who listened, empathized and helped me to change was gone. Her disappearance caused a huge heart attack. I felt like my heart has an extremely gigantic hole inside it. How will I deal with tomorrow when she is gone? How can I still smile without the only reason behind it? How? How's everything if you are gone? No longer by my side.
I will never again witness your deliberately contagious smiles. I can no longer witness the smiles that were the solution to my longing heart. What would my life be like without you? How is that? How?
I went home and cried out all the pain I've been feeling. I did not go to her house because I could not see one of the most important person in my life, gone and I could not see her again. I may explode in grief when I go to her grave. I just locked myself in my room and refreshed our memories.
The next day, her mother called me because she was going to show me something important. When I came to their house, she asked me to read Ashley's diary. I saw there all the events that had taken place since our meeting. And I also learned a lot about her. Some of the ones listed there are here.
"The day of my operation is near. The survival rate of my illness is very low but I will still try my best to stay happy." "I want Greg to accompany me before I die because I am interested in his life. I feel sorry for him every time no one comes to him to talk. I want to share my smiles with him. I wanted to make more friends. I want to know him better."
"Greg and I watched the fireworks in the sky, it was really fun to watch the fireworks because I last saw them when I was still in Japan. I made the most of this moment of my life so I hugged Greg tightly. It's happy to know that he wants to be with me everytime. I feel grateful, because he told me that he appreciates me. I never thought I could change his life. "
"Thank youuuu Lord! The operation was a success! I can't wait to be with my family and Greg for a long time! They are going to witness a happier and funnier Ashley!"
Many more things are in her diary. I cried at what I read and her mother said that there was a special letter inserted. I read that and there was her message for me.
"Greg Cruz. A quiet, anti-social, friendless and shy man. I hope one day you can read this. First of all, thank you so much for accepting my offer to you. Every moment we're together feels so happy. I always have my smiles ready for you. It's nice to see you smile because you only smile so rarely. Thank you for joining me at karaoke, in the cafe, in the restaurant, etc. I will never forget every moment we're together. The songs we sing at karaoke, every meal we eat at a restaurant, every scene we take pictures of, every bird we feed on, every footstep, word, breath and every smile we share with each other, is a treasure for me. If my operation is not successful, Greg, I want you to know that no matter how many sights we look at, only one will remain in my heart and my favorite, "Anata no egao wo" and that, is your smile. Smiles that symbolize true wealth and pleasure. I can see in your eyes and every smile that I have brought a lot of meaning to you so much. I feel very happy, thanks for the experience, Greg. Thank you for everything. Greg. Always remember, that I will always love you. :)
One day, I visited Ashley's grave. And I uttered my important message for her. "Ashley Makinohara. A woman I only met because of a diary. A woman I never thought would change my life, which gave color to my lonely heart and completed my life-puzzle. I just want to thank you because I met you in my life. Thank you for being a part of my transformation. And many many thanks to God for creating you, an Ashley Makinohara who is an instrument to make me feel the true spirit of life and the true meaning of love. Ashley, thank you for giving your heart to me. I will continue to live on for you and for myself. Thank you for sharing your smile with me. Thank you for being you. Thank you for all the lessons you taught me. Thank you for this "thing" that has changed my life.
Do you know what is this thing? .... "Anata No Egao Wo", your smiles are very meaningful and precious. Thanks for everything, Ashley, I love you so much too.
I had already left her grave and I refreshed our memory that we were hugging under the fireworks display. Love is just so powerful. Love which is found in the heart. Love with the ability to change everything in the world.
Thank you Lord. Thank you so much for this wonderful chapter of my life. Thanks for all the lessons I learned. Thank you.