Princess Snow Jade and Prince White Fur return after lunch while I am still nibbling at the remnants of my meal. Little Swallow and Deep Waves have already left to go to class with some regret, having implored me to tell them everything when I see them again in the evening. They want to know what the rest of the Imperial Palace thinks of my newest painting and Prince White Fur's reaction.
Fluttering Bird and Swaying Blossoms exclaim when they catch sight of Prince White Fur, walking round and around him.
"You're still eating?" Princess Snow Jade takes a seat beside me and she feeds Prince White Fur some fruits which he readily accepts. He's moving stiffly, likely because of the ink that has dried into his clothes.
"Might work better with different clothes dyed to obtain depth," I murmur and examine both the front and the back of a sleeve. Some of the thicker and darker areas of ink have dried and cracked. "No. Embroidery would be better. Then you wil have gradations of colour. The feathers on the back would look better embroidered rather than dyed."
"You're right, my Lady," Fluttering Bird says, "although it won't be easy."
"You're doing me next," Princess Snow Jade tells me in a fierce tone, jumping up and twirling around to show me her pure white dress. "Second Prince is the envy of the entire Palace. Look. I'm all prepared."
"Prepare Prince White Fur a warm bath and a clean set of clothes," I tell Fluttering Bird. "Take his clothes to the Dying and Embroidery Departments to discuss how to preserve the painting. This isn't one that I will be able to repaint if it is lost. Prince White Fur doesn't look comfortable. He should get changed. Also, get Princess Snow Jade's maid to go bring her a spare change of clothes for after her painting is finished. That way she can bathe and change her clothes immediately when it is done. It's not good if she gets cold."
"I'll go," Swaying Blossoms tells Fluttering Bird, while she is cleaning up the lunch dishes. "You stay here to keep an eye on my Lady. I have a feeling she might overdo things again."
"All right," Fluttering Bird agrees. "I'll keep an eye on her. She's starting to look tired."
"I'm not tired," I say stubbornly. "Stand up. Stand next to each other," I point to Prince White Fur and Princess Snow Jade. "Hold your arms up." I instruct, walking around them. "Arms down. Arms up. Arms down."
"I want wings," Princess Snow Jade flaps her arms. "I want feathers and wings too. It looks so good on the Second Prince. Pleeeeeease."
"Stand still," I smile at her in acknowledgement of her wish. "I'll try."
Before anyone comes to inform Prince White Fur that his bath and clothes are ready, I take this opportunity to draw continuous lines from him to her, so that their clothes will be a matching pair. Two halves of a whole, whether arms are outstretched or not. At least on the front.
I barely notice when the Prince is called away to bathe and change his clothes. By then I am busy painting in details and growling at the Princess to stay still while she giggles.
"It tickles," she laughs and wriggles beneath my brush.
"Stop moving," I scold.
Her dress continues the painting that is on the front of White Fur's clothes, except the bottom of hers shows a bird sunbathing in the grass. On her back, I paint the feathers that she requests, changing the shape and size of the feathers to suit her. It's beautiful. I think it will look especially fine when paired beside Prince White Fur.
When I am done, I can feel my entire body beginning to tremble with fatigue, while tiredness creeps into my chest. Reaching for the table, I take a seat, hoping Fluttering Bird can't see how tired I am. I feel like I have used up all my strength and concentration. It is possible I will find myself with a fever or something tonight.
"Turn around," I twirl my finger in a circle, swallowing the ball of weariness growing in my chest. "Let's see."
Princess Snow Jade holds her arms up and then puts them down again, while she slowly spins on the spot.
"Good," I let out a a breath of air. I hadn't realised I had been holding my breath. "Finished."
"How do I look?" Princess Snow Jade asks, looking at all of our appreciative glances.
Prince White Fur had left for a while to do something after he had bathed and changed his clothes. He had only just returned when I was putting the finishing touches to the last few feathers on Princess Snow Jade's back.
"Beautiful," Prince White Fur comments, nodding in appreciation. "You're lucky. She didn't use as much water on yours so your clothes didn't get as wet."
"Come, Princess," Princess Snow Jade's maid tugs on her. "Let's get you bathed and changed. Are you having dinner here?"
"Of course I am!" Princess Snow Jade exclaims, following her maid and chatting in excitement. "Don't we always eat together these days? Quick, find me a mirror. I want to see how I look."
There is a brief silence after she is gone and I prop my head up with my chin in a hand.
"You like her," I say to Prince White Fur. "You went to see his Imperial Majesty just now, didn't you? Did he agree?"
"Was it that obvious?" Prince White Fur looks down at his twiddling thumbs for a moment, looking a bit guilty. "Princess, you don't mind?"
"I already told you. The old princess died and the old promise with her. This Apricot Lady is no longer suitable to stand by your side. Princess Snow Jade is a very good choice. These pair of clothes I painted for the two of you can be my congratulatory gifts. I won't be painting something like that again," I say. "His Imperial Majesty agreed, didn't he?"
"Yes. He agreed. His Imperial Majesty was very happy," Prince White Fur strokes my hair. "I'm sorry we didn't work out."
"Perhaps it is for the best," I reply. "Leave at the beginning of next week. You'll need to go home to make preparations and send the engagement gifts."
"I sent a bird already," Prince White Fur says. "There's no hurry."
"Yes, there is," I snort, speaking my mind while it is still sharp and clear and the fog of fatigue hasn't yet completely dulled me. "You have to go back and secure your power base before she arrives. You have to prepare people and things for her arrival. You need to arrange and organise a lot of things and all of that is going to take time. You'd better send word to your mother. You've forgotten to send her a letter telling her all about what the Princess likes and dislikes, haven't you? Don't stay for dinner. You have to go back and write all your letters tonight before someone else sends word back first. Your letters need to arrive before any other third party news."
Prince White Fur blows air out from his nose.
"You would have made the perfect queen."
"No time for 'ifs' and 'could haves'," I reply. "I am no longer in the equation. Let us be practical. You only have her. You should only think and consider her. Make sure you obtain a list of her habits, likes and dislikes from her maids. If you get something wrong, she's not going to let you forget for a long time."
"I'll... I'll be off then," Prince White Fur gives me a semi-formal bow and hurries off. There's a little bounce in his step that makes him look cute.
When he is gone, I release a long, slow breath.
"Tell Snow Jade not to come over for dinner," I say when he is gone.
"You can't get up, can you, my Lady?" Fluttering Bird asks me with a look out the side of her eyes. She doesn't look very pleased. "That's why you sent him away."
I don't reply. Only allow my lips to twist and a corner to perk upwards. Just a little bit.
"Stay here, my Lady," Fluttering Bird pats my back, while I rest my head upon my forearms. The table is starting to cool rapidly with the growing shadows and loss of the sun.
"I have a bad feeling," I tell her, "that I might not be well for a few days."
I can feel my mind fogging over and starting to become lost in cloudy tracks. The visibility is poor there. Heavy exhaustion in my chest weighs me down and grows. Grows. My body is tired. My mind is tired. Bitter emotions are building pressure within the box I try to lock them into with rationality.
"I'll go and find someone to come carry you in," Fluttering Bird's hands flutter for a moment before she runs off. She pauses and looks back at me. "Don't try to get up by yourself. Don't wander off."
The fog of weariness washes over me and the tight control I had over myself is lost. I cannot hold on and so I let go. Let it all go.
I find myself behind a screen of weeping willows, staggering while I hold onto the big rock there. Embedded into a fold of the rock, I look at three carven symbols. An ocean of water. Red, like the colour of blood. A sprouting bean. One symbol for each of the children that play together in my dreams. This hidden corner had been given to me so that I could cry in peace, hidden by the screen of willow leaves.
Oh, my children. My babies. My heart. My loves.
My family. My past. My present. My future.
I shouldn't dwell on the past - the 'ifs' and 'could haves'. I should take my own advice. But it's hard. It's so hard. So, so very, very hard. Easy to say. Difficult to do.
She is going to gain something I will never be able to have. She will have the husband I had once dreamed of. She will have the family and children I had once hoped would be mine. I shouldn't feel bad. I can't be angry with her. Shouldn't. It's not her fault. It's only right that I should push her to him. Just for this moment. Just this little moment, I want to cry for that young heart of mine.
Everything I had was taken from me. Everything I could have been was lost. Everything I was had been smashed into such fine pieces that even after all these years, I still have been unable to put many pieces back together. Like smashed tofu, there's no way to bind all the bits back together to make a whole. What I am and hold is fragile. The bonds are so tentative that sometimes it feels as if just a puff of air could blow them away.
What is lost has been lost. What is gone is gone.
Yet.
Oh, my children. My babies. My heart. My loves.
My family. My past. My present. My future.