Alone with the memory of warmth, I remember the discomfort and pain. Being eaten was uncomfortable but not as painful as I expected. The only good thing was that I was protected from the cold wind and it was warm.
Wind blows cold into the room and my stone bench feels empty. It has been many days since anyone last visited.
For many days, the Emperor came and shared warmth with me. He taught me how an Emperor eats his favourite tofu. He laughed at my reactions as he showed me. While the process was surprising and the Emperor seemed to enjoy it very much, I didn't. I didn't like how I was not finished and did not disappear like food should after it is eaten. Neither did I like the discomfort and strange rush of feelings that came with it. Yet, it was right that the Emporer did not care for what or how I felt.
Tofu should not have opinions. It should not have feelings or emotions. But it would have been nice if he had asked, so that I could ask him to be more gentle. Maybe ask him why it was so uncomfortable. Painful even. Or what that rush of heat meant. Yet, the Emperor sees and knows all. There should be no need for me to say anything when he knows what he is doing.
I was sick for a time and Gentle Whiskers helped me hide my sickness from the Emperor. But when my belly started to swell, Gentle Whiskers said it was not a sickness anymore. It was something I should show the Emperor.
I showed the Emperor. He smiled and embraced me.
"There's something wrong."
"No," he said. "Remember how you have been feeling unwell? The Doctor has checked. There is nothing wrong. You have a Baby Tofu inside your belly now."
"Baby Tofu?"
"Yes. Baby Tofu will grow and one day he or she will come out and show you what a wonderful Little Tofu they are. Don't worry. The Doctor and I will look after you and Baby Tofu. I plan to move you to warmer, prettier rooms soon and have servants take good care of you. You have been down here far longer than I wanted. The other women have been jealous, but I think it is time for you to move rooms."
But nothing happened.
The last few times he came in the dark with only a lantern to light his way. There were no blue people carrying his chair and no extra coverings. He said that this plain tofu was best.
After the last time, when the light came in the window, people came in to take away the pretty coverings and things that the women had brought in to dress me in. Nobody talked. Nobody smiled.
It has been a long time since anyone visited me. There used to be people coming in and out all the time, making me wonder whether they would ever let me rest.
Now, I am alone and I have too much time to rest. I do not feel like I am tofu anymore. If I am not tofu, what am I?
Grey skies shower down water that sprays in my face when I look out the window. There is a smell of fresh dirt. Overhead, the clouds boom, while it seems that the heavens have opened up their stores of water. I feel the need to wash, but the bucket of water I have is not enough. The water trickling through my window is dirty.
The door bursts open.
In the doorway stands a lady covered in flowers. She looks wonderful and smells of spring. With her is Stiff Lady who smacks me with her fan and orders me to bow to Flower Lady. When I blink at her, she pushes me off the bench and down onto my knees, scolding.
"Don't you know when you are about to be addressed by Her Imperial Serenity, the Emperor's Chosen Consort?"
I don't know what that means. 'Empress'. The word flits through my mind and then disappears. Perhaps the distant memories that try to shout in my sleep knew what they meant once upon a time, but there is a fog that separates me from them. I cannot see them, even if I want to. Which I don't. There is no need.
"I hear you are called Tofu now," Flower Lady's voice curls as if she has bitten something bitter. She does not wait for a response. "I hear you like the water and only want to be a good tofu."
I nod.
"The best tofus are those that are said to be worthy to be placed in the water to keep them fresh. Is this not so?"
I nod, smiling. Flower Lady understands, but Stiff Lady smacks my head with her fan when I try to look up.
"You want to be the best tofu for the Emperor, but if the best tofus should be under water, what are you doing still here? Don't you want to be good forever?"
She does. She really understands.
I had tried explaining to the Doctor, but he did not understand. The Emperor had understood a little, but the way he eats me does not finish me. When tofu is finished, like food, it should disappear and be no more.
"I will help you become good for eternity. Come with me," the Flower Lady turns and walks out the door, while Stiff Lady pushes me after her with her fan.
We arrive in the hall. I can see the Stack with the never ending water pouring over it in the middle and the Real Cooks scurrying around the kitchen doorway. On the other side of the pool, empty boxes wait, beckoning. I want to experience what it is like to be treated as a proper tofu again, rather than being called Tofu on one side and told I am a woman on the other. Perhaps in the box, I will find myself again.
Fat Cook hurries over, followed by both Hairy and Skinny Cook. Flower Lady and Stiff Lady hide their faces behind their fans talking in low voices until Fat Cook gives assent with his familiar grunt. That done, Flower Lady nods to me.
"Goodbye, Tofu. Find yourself a box and the men will help you on your way."
She and Stiff Lady turn around and quickly walk away. When she is gone, I see Tenor standing at the Real Cook's door scratching his head. His eyes meet mine and I give him a small smile, but he doesn't seem to notice. After a moment of staring, he runs away, almost knocking over a sack of beans.
"Welcome back, Tofu," sniffs Fat Cook, gesturing at the empty boxes. "Which box would you like?"
I walk the line of boxes, waddling a little because of my belly. Examining them, I find my old box.
"This one, is it?" When I nod, he helps me lie down in the box and when the lid is put back on, I sigh in happy relief at the familiarity of it all. "We'll slide you into the water now," says Fat Cook with a grunt. "Sleep well."
With a swoosh and splash, my box slides into the water and the cool calm creeps into the box with me, filling my nose and mouth. The water fills the air spaces completely. It is uncomfortable at first and my body panics until I remind it that it is going to be the best tofu the Emperor has ever seen. The Emperor will be pleased. As I drift off into a peaceful sleep, surrendering myself to the water, I wonder about Baby Tofu. What will Baby Tofu look like?