July 6,
Hi! My name is Cam, I use he/him pronouns. That's actually the first time I have ever said/written that haha. Don't have any expectations cause I'm not a huge writer - especially when it comes to writing about my feelings. But I figured that this might help me deal with some of my thoughts, ya know? I mean what am I gonna do? Talk about my feelings with people? Ppht no, haha. Fuck that.
I'm already regretting starting this haha. Well I wrote this in pen so there's no going back, though I'm contemplating whether or not I should just rip this page out and use this journal as a sketchbook. I guess I'll decide next time I feel like writing. :)
July 13,
Dear diary, today just went from good to great! tehe, I guess that applies to today. My friend Jasper, who is ftm and out at his school, let me borrow his binder after I told him what I have been feeling. We talked about how I feel this disconnect with my body and how I really cannot see myself presenting as female, ever. He told me he experiences the same thoughts all the time (though I don't know if that's reassuring.) He had the absolute best response when I told him my name and pronouns; he was a great first coming out! I told him that I prefer to use he/him and he legit asked "is there another name you would like to go by or are you sticking with Camille?" It made me so happy. I told him Cam, and he completely understood. Not to deadname Jasper, but I never really saw him as a 'Hannah,' it just feels so wrong to even think of him like that. But then again, he figured out he was trans when he was like 9, so I've already been calling him Jasper for years now.
Anyways, back to the binder! We snuck it into my house when no one was home because I cannot even begin to imagine how shitty my mom's reaction would've been. But oh my God, the euphoria I felt was incredible. I was speechless. I don't think I have EVER been that happy. I really do not know how to describe it - it was like a million things just clicked in my head and for the first time in my life I felt truly happy. I mean, I got a serious high from this thing. And maybe, when I do eventually show this entry to someone, post-transition of course, they will think I'm exaggerating. BUT I ASSURE YOU I AM NOT. :)))))))
The best part was that Jasper said I looked extremely handsome with it on and let me keep it until I get my own. We played around a little bit too. I put my hair up so that it looked like it was short and with the combination of the hair and binder, I looked almost cis. Of course, it would help if I was actually able to get my hair cut, but mom thinks its 'improper.' Jasper told me to wear the binder for no longer then 8-10 hours (even though he admitted to wearing it for 3 days once.) I really want to just live in it, but I'm asthmatic so if I'm being realistic I won't even wear it for that long.
July 13 (part 2)
I didn't think I was gonna write anymore today but something came up that I just had to put into words.
My brother came home first - I still had Jasper's binder on - and I was bouncing off the walls with excitement. I tell Chris everything so I didn't think this would be any different - why would it be? But when I told him what I was wearing he said "I like your real body more. I just don't get why you would do that." Then he left.
As upset as that made me I didn't really think much of it. I mean, Chris doesn't go out of his way to bully me so I don't think he meant it in a hurtful way. He's just ignorant.
It's been weird with him recently, he's older so he does the older sibling thing where he compares everything I go through to what he has experienced. Like Chris, I get it man, but I'm my own person. Just cause you're not dysphoric doesn't mean that what I'm feeling is "just a 15-year-old thing."
But my stepdad made my night a lot worse. When I asked him if we could buy a binder he said "no" and that "it wasn't his decision." He said it was up to my mom, which I ultimately agree with, but when I pressed him, when I asked him what he would do if it were his decision, his responses cut deep. He started saying things like "Chris went through this when he was your age, it's just a phase," (which is such bullshit - Chris is the straightest, most cis person I have ever met). "If you live under my roof then you have to be Camille," and "you're not big enough to bind." Those hit hard. So I just left. I walked to Jasper's, I feel safe there. Usually I would go to Chris if Dad said something shitty, which he does a lot, but I'm mad at both of them so that's not an option.
I'm currently writing this on a curb by Jasper's house. I don't really know what prompted me to bring my journal, I guess I just knew I would be needing to write my feelings down. It's cold outside, it was stupid of me not to bring a jacket. I live in the fucking desert, did I not think it was gonna get cold after dark? I had dinner with Jasper's family but I excused myself to walk home, even though I really don't wanna do that. Home is the last place I wanna be right now, but my family won't even let me be alone - I got a lot of missed calls, from Chris mostly. It's fine, I'll take the long way back. That will at least buy me five minutes. I'm just gonna tell myself what I always do when dad's being a bitch, "go to sleep, it will be fine tomorrow."
July 15,
It wasn't all better tomorrow cause I feel like I'm faking it. Why do I feel like I'm faking it? I look in the mirror and I feel deeply uncomfortable; I feel like my body doesn't belong to me, like it's an imposter. Not to pull a Mulan but I don't recognize myself, and I'm really confused as to why that is. I know what name and pronouns I prefer. I know it feels like I was born in the wrong body and all that jazz. But there is this small, extremely persistent, voice in the back of my head telling me things like "it's just a phase" and, "you only think you're having these feelings but they're not real."
And maybe I feel like a fake.
Maybe that's cause my mind is so wrapped around the finger of that little voice that it is impossible for me to tell if these are actual feelings, or if I'm just (for lack of a better word) desensitized by all the affirming LGBT media I consume. Or maybe it's because of the narrative that gets promoted by the trans community; that transitioning is life or death and there's no in-between. Cause it's not life or death for me - I haven't had these feelings my whole life. And that makes it more confusing. Why now? I'm 15, I feel like I should have accepted the whole puberty thing already. I mean I've been cleaning up blood for 2 fucking years, why do I still feel like I'm not supposed to?
I tried talking to my mom about all this today - cause she's a lot more progressive then dad - and she got mad at me. She listed off several articles discussing 'trans-trenders' and how many girls are transitioning because they are insecure and don't want to be over-sexualized by men. And that's not true for me. Our conversation turned into her berating me, saying that if I was really trans I would have known at a young age and socially transitioned then, like Jasper - which is a really shitty excuse.
On a side note, I haven't talked to my dad about what happened with the binder yet. I don't think I will. I mean, it will just provoke him and I really don't want him to get mad at me. Chris is really good about dealing with the stuff he says, I don't understand how he can do that. I guess I'm just not as strong as him.
July 30,
I actually did something brave today, I brought up the idea of buying a binder to my mom again. I really don't know what I was expecting, I mean her response was the same as usual: "you don't need that" and "Camille you're asthmatic." And I know that my asthma is a valid reason not to buy a binder but I feel like I can be mature enough to know when to take it off. I'm not like Jasper, I won't live in it for days.
I've actually been afraid to wear the binder Jasper gave me around the house, just in case she tries to take it away. I mean, the difference in chest size is noticeable. I really hope that she realizes I actually do need a binder for my mental health. It's really frustrating when she says that she wants me to get better* and all that jazz, but then she turns around and denies me something that will drastically improve my way of life. It just complicates things for literally no reason.
On the upside, I've been coming out to more people recently and when I told Ella about my need for a binder she offered to buy me one. I told her it was expensive, especially the good ones from gc2b. But she said that if I paid half she would buy me one for my birthday! Of course we would have to be discrete - if my mom found it I really don't know what she would say. And if my dad found out....well I don't really know what would happen then. But the sneakiness just makes it more fun!