"you're just a silly little bitch that's all. who is so desperate for shit she doesn't deserve." He mocks me. "I think you need to understand the fact as to how the world doesn't revolve around you. You're just dust taking up space. And you're just a problem in everyone's life.
"You think we need you? Oh no we don't. We don't need you or your petty little problems"
I let those words sink in.
I let those words fill me up so that I could process them.
I couldn't stop my stomach from getting heavy.
I couldn't stop my heart from cracking.
And I definitely couldn't stop the wee little nagging voice claiming it all to be true.
And I listened to it.
I listened to the voice and let it fill me in.
It is true now isn't it?
I mean after all this time I am indeed just dust taking up space and creating a problem in everyone's life.
Fully filled with that wee little voice, I turn to him and I say,
"You're absolutely right. I am nothing but dust. I am nothing but a little problem in your life. I feel greatly stupid to not see that."
With that I give a little laugh, smile sadly at him and turn around and walk away.
As the voice was filling my soul and my cracked heart, I couldn't help but have that little Vengeance fill me too.
But the problem was the Vengeance no matter it's small amount, the effect was, is and always will be higher than all.
And it seemed childish, how I was overreacting.
I expected it after all!
I expected him to walk away and I certainly expected this to turn out exactly the way it did the last time.
I walked all the way to my home and eventually to my room.
Closing the door I sat down, still heavy with emotions.
I felt snippets of the things we went through come alive.
They flashed like lightning speed, but I could process them perfectly.
I felt myself go deeper and deeper down the memory lane, as I experienced all those little moments of mine with him.
They were magical per se.
And then that voice returned once again.
That voice telling me how I'm not worth it.
How I was not worthy of being his friend.
How I did not deserve his kindness or anyone else's.
And it was true.
I walk up to the mirror and look at myself.
I smile but nothing comes.
I try to show anything but my face stays void.
And just like that I start laughing.
How stupid of me to even believe that I'm worth it.
How so incredibly dumb of me to think just for a second that I matter.
This is all just a game and I, just a silly little spawn for the players.
And just as I was laughing, I started crying.
Crying helplessly.
Even though knowing that I deserved it, I still cried asking myself why.
Why did I do it?
Why did I for once think that I was needed.
Why did I for once think that after all this time, love still existed.
I couldn't help myself from picturing his friends and him, laughing right now.
Laughing and mocking me, behind my back, while I, cried like a little child.
I pictured in my head, walking past them, pretending that we are now nothing but mere strangers.
I pictured as once again it happened.
Once again they left for the stars shining as bright as ever, while I layed in the darkness just watching.
But why even picture, when I knew that it was bound to happen!
When no matter how many times do I learn, I still do it.
I still believe, I still trust and I still love, knowing that I'll be betrayed once again.
And that's the one big flaw in this flawless plan.
I still deny that the world is just a cruel place, and I still believe.
Believe for things that do not exist.
I curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep expecting the worse, again sadly knowing how it's bound to happen and maybe will happen.
How I'll be the one laughed at, Because I believed in love.
Once again this is my hell, the hell they chose and the hell I must live.