As with our previous arrangement, you picked me up at my home. You told me to dress in something blue. I never knew why you chose blue. It was never your favorite color but looking at you wearing a navy blue suit, you looked dashing. With your smile, a slight dimple poking from your cheeks, my eyes got teary.
'Will I ever get to see that charming smile of yours again?'
I never knew why but I loved every part of you. From your quirkiness to your gentle charms. It's no wonder why I fell for you, heck, every women can fall for that mischievous smile. And those eyes, those deep blue eyes that I sincerely love. The navy blue suit complimented your deep blue eyes. Ah, I will never forget that eyes. Everytime you look at me with that passionate gaze, I feel like drowning in your love. Have I ever told you that you blue eyes are your most appealing asset? I guess you will never hear it from me but if one day comes, I hope you realize that the blue eyes you hate so much is well loved. I hope that after everything is over, your eyes will retain it's light and never to lose its glimmer.
I hated how red your lips are. So supple that even the Gods are tempted to take a bite off. More red than the deepest red, I love the sensation of your lips over mine. Why am I torturing myself? I'm getting teary by what I'm seeing. Lord, you sure are fair. Giving me the best despite knowing I wont last long.
"Pris, why are you crying?" You saw my teary eyes. You came immediately to wipe the tears threatening to fall. How did I deserve such a perfect man?
"Nothing, I just remember the day we met."
"Oh you silly, you made me scared." With one sweep, I was wrapped around your embrace. The warmth of your embrace gave life to the feelings I buried deep in my heart. I needed to, I wanted to be strong, no, I needed to be strong. I can't give up.
"Come, let's go now." You looked at me with such a passionate gaze that I was tempted to hoom my arms around your nape and kiss you senseless. But no, for the last time, I took your hands as you guided me out of the car and into the restaurant.
The lights, the atmosphere and the place. I knew what he was going to do. I knew what it was and couldnt help tearing up. But I dare not show it to you, it might affect you more than it can affect me. You really did well with this date.
Then we started the meal. What am I eating? What am I drinking? I didn't care. Those jokes you made? They were corny but I still like it. All the smile that you gave me nearly killed me but I need to be strong. All I wanted was to for you enjoy this night with me. Then it got to me, the feelings I've bottled up, the emotions I've buried, those all came spilling along with tears. Tears of Joy? Tears of Sadness? I don't even know.
"Pris, why are you crying? Stil l can't believe that I'm your boyfriend?" You held my hand with the gentle touch like you're holding the most fragile flower in the world.
"No, im not crying. These are tears of joy. Im thankful to God that he gave me someone like you. I love you Nue."
The lights turned dim. I knew what was coming. I've prepared for it. I even had a script. I have even prepared tissue in my bag because I know I'm gonna need it.
"Babe, Pris, we've been together for a long time. I've seen you at your worst. You've seen me at my worst."
'No, you've never seen me at my worst.'
"I realized that you are someone I see my future with."
'No, that was only in your imagination.'
"You weren't my exact type before but I learnt to love you."
'You weren't exactly my type too but no...I can't let you continue.'
"I love all of your flaws and imperfections."
'Me too... I love every part of you, from your scared eyebrows to your bad habits. But please stop....'
"To the way you scrunch up your nose, to the way you turn around curse at me when your angry."
'No... Please.... Stop... I don't want to do this...'
"I love your smile so much that I wish to live seeing it everyday, everytime, every morning after I wake up, and every night before I sleep."
'No.. Please.. Don't say those words...'
I wanted to refute all of your words but I can't. Something is blocking my voice from coming out. All I could give are this dtifling sobs God know where it came from. Then, your grip suddenly got stronger yet still delicate. With a single touch of you, the dam was already cracked.
I looked at your eyes. They were telling me something. They were expressing your emotions. Love, Lust, Passion, Joy, Sadness; every emotions were present in your eyes. But what broke the dam were the words you said next.
"Pris, will you marry me?"
'YES, I WILL MARRY YOU'
...Was what I wanted to say.
...Was what my heart and mind wanted to do.
...Was the one I've been dreaming to say one day.
Those were the words I treasured the most. Those were the words I wanted to say to only one person none other than you. And it breaks my heart that I couldnt say it. It breaks my heart that the future you've seen, imagined and envisioned to be broken by a single lie coming from me
"No"
...and the tears fell.
*Drip....drip...drip...
The sky started to weep for the sorrow I felt. I know I'm gonna regret this but I know what I need to do. I know what I wanted to do. I've even prepared to do this. I've practiced it for a thousand time. Then why am I regretting this? Why am I still hurt by the words that came from me? Tell me why please.. Please tell me...
"Why Pris, is there something wrong with me?"
No. You were perfect. You're the best thing I could have ever hoped for. You were the one who picked me pieces by pieces. You were the one who completed me. You were the one who like my ever flaws and imperfections. You were the one who liked the way I scrunch nose to the way I curse at you gracelessly.
Ah l, look at what I did. Those eyes of your look teary. Afraid. Depressed. Alone. Scared of what might happen after this night.
"Did you not want marriage?"
No, I wanted to be with you forever. I wanted to bear your children. I want to see you growing old with me. I even thought that you would look cute with white hair.
Enough, I dont want to cry anymore. So I answered.
" I don't love you, Babe. The things I've done with you was nothing to me. I barely even feel love for you. Honestly, I only played with you. Toyed with you."
And I saw you get confused. Honestly, where did I get these words. Even I am hurt by these but I need to.
" Also,I'm dating someone else. I've cheated on you."
And then my heart broke. It hurts. Tears are falling. Your tears are falling. The person I've been careful with not to hurt. The person I've treated with care. The person I loved more than myself. The person I treasure even in my times of death. The person that built me. That very person is now crying. The guilt in me is building up. I wanna take all of that back.
'I love you Kila, please dont leave me.'
The words I cant say to him. I love him. I love him, more than anything in this world. Yet here I am making the one for me cry.
"Kila, I know you'll find someone better. Someone who wouldn't play you. I hope that when you found someone, love her more than you loved me. Be careful with her. Care for her more than you cared for me. Be with her to the end. I hope that you would forget about me... I hope that...I hope..."
'I hope..not'
"I'm sorry Kila. But thats it for me. Goodbye and I hope we still stay as friends."
God, that is the worst. I don't want to leave you but I needed to or else,my knees would have given up.
I started running. Why am I running? I needed to get away. I needed to be away from him. I needed to be strong but his tears made me weak. I know that this moment will forever be with him, engraved in his now stone cold heart. It's funny thingking that I was both who thaw and froze that tender heart of yours.
I knew in my head, you'll find someone better. Someone who'll stay with you forever, someone who'll love you more than I loved you. Someone who'll take care of you till the day you die. Someone who will be your one and only. Someone who'll give you what you needed. Sadly, I'm never gonna be that someone. I'm just a broken doll with a broken lifeline.
I chuckled to myself, I did to myself yet why am I regretting this? Why am I crying? Why am I... hurt?
I kneeled on the ground and cried. My body gradually turning cold from the rain.
I love you. I really loved you. I was ready to give everything for you. I was ready to bear your burdens. I was ready to be your wife. I was ready to carry your child inside me. I wanna go back, back to that warmth that I'm badly missing. But no, all I'll give you is a heartbreak. All I'll give you is an emotional burden you'll never get rid off.
All I remember were your words that day. Saying if you were in that girl's position, you'll probably leave the guy. I did what you wanted yet.. Why?..
"I love you so much Kila, I love you so..... Much..."
*beeeeeeep