Stacey took a sip of her drink on the table while they continued the interview. She kneaded her fingers together for a moment and then remembered the camera. She tried to keep her hands still and not squirm in nervousness. Her roommates sitting around the table listened quietly, reaching out to pat her on the back or arm.
"I can understand," Beryl agreed. "This competition is stressful enough without going blank on stage. There was one time early in my career when I was called upon to host a show and I totally forgot all my lines. I was so embarrassed. Somehow I managed to muddle along and make things work out. I've been careful not to let that happen again. I heard that you had actually originally prepared a song for the ranking challenge?"
"I had but I couldn't remember any of it at the time," Stacey said. "I have to apologise to everyone for such a poor performance."
"If you hadn't insisted on staying to perform, you'd have been sent to the hospital much earlier," Beryl said. "And while you might not have missed so many days of classes, we would have missed out on your dramatic performance in the elimination challenge. Can you tell us how you felt at that time?"
"Urgh," Stacey wrinkled her nose. "Honestly, I just wanted to sleep. I was feeling so sick that it was hard to concentrate on anything. My mind was all foggy and everything seemed blurry. Unreal. Like a dream. When I was woken up and reminded that I still had a performance to do, I panicked. I really wanted to cry. Making things up on the spot isn't a reliable way to perform. I'm not that good at doing things at the last minute. A person still needs an idea of sorts to give an impromptu performance. Everyone knows that, but I just couldn't think of anything that I could do. Then my manager suggested I let some of my emotions out and share it with everybody. That got me thinking."
"And that's where you went into a trance for so long that you had everybody worried," Beryl nodded.
"That's right. I was writing the song and planning it out in my head. I only had so much energy left at the time and I had to make sure that I would be able to complete the performance with the small amount of energy I had left. I still underestimated how much energy I would need though and barely made it. I hope it turned out alright."
"More than alright, dear. Remember, I told you. It's topped the charts for the past few days," Beryl gave a half laugh.
"I don't understand why it would because it was such a last minute thing made while I wasn't able to think straight. Often things that are written when you're tired, unwell or drunk seem good at the time but later turn out awful. I'm glad everyone enjoyed it," Stacey said. "Did my emotions come through?"
"Darling, you made the whole auditorium cry. Whenever I hear it and all the pain in your voice, I still cry even though I've heard and watched that clip multiple times," Beryl dabbed her eyes with a tissue. "Is that how you feel? Like you're still sinking or drowning in the dark?"
"Yeah. Sometimes," Stacey said, looking up as the darker emotions surged within her. She held back her tears as hard as she could, feeling her emotions shifting like broken shards of glass. "When I stop studying and think about my past or my future, I get so scared. I don't know who I am or why I'm here. I don't understand so much of what's going on. Everything that most people consider as normal everyday stuff seems so new and jarring. It's not just the language, food or the names of things, but also the way people talk and behave. How people dress. The culture and meanings behind things. Even normal conversations are tiring. I have to triple think to figure out what people are saying so that I don't blurt out anything that might be considered offensive. Most people have been nice, but you know, there are always some people you just don't get along with. I don't know why I was in a battle or what we were battling for. I don't know why I'm in this program besides the fact that I must have been starving when I first joined. I have no historical reference points, no family, no parents. All the personal information I thought was real isn't. I can't tell what's real and what's not sometimes."
A tissue was pressed into Stacey's shaking hands.
"All I know is that I'm lost and alone," Stacey quavered, "in a place where nothing and no one is familiar. I've been blamed for a variety of things - some of which I don't fully understand, and the boys that I previously hung out with in the video clips are gone. They protected me in the battle and now one's dead, one will never be able to walk or dance as well as he used to and the other quit the entertainment industry altogether. If I wasn't around, would they and so many others still have been hurt? Would things have turned out better without me?"
"People look forward to the glamour of being a celebrity and all the eyes looking at us, but sometimes I think they forget that we too, are ordinary people," Beryl said. "When battles and negative events happen, everyone is quick to pass the baton so that they can point fingers at someone else. Nobody wants the blame or to be blamed. It's worse when you're a celebrity because everything is blown out of proportion," Beryl hugged Stacey and patted her back.
"You aren't alone, Stacey," Zanity reached out to give Stacey a hug from where she was sitting on the other side of the table. Chastity and Vera stood up to surround Stacey in their arms. "We're here for you too."
"Us too," said Mindy and the cameramen.
"That's right," Beryl said. "We are all here to support one another. Stacey, don't be afraid. You may still feel lost and alone but remember that we are all your friends. We will support you from the side. You can do this."
Stacey took a few deep breaths to calm herself down and then blew her nose. Someone sanitised her hands for her.
"Thank you, everyone," Stacey said in a hoarse voice. "Just… thank you."