In the bedroom, Stacey was positioned on the bed so that the light on the window shone on her in a certain way. Landen had her practice reading a speech to the camera several times, correcting her intonation and pronunciation until he was satisfied. He directed her on where to look when and how to look into the camera.
"Is everything usually so staged?" Stacey sighed to Landen. "Isn't it too contrived? It doesn't feel natural."
"It seems pretty natural to me," Landen shrugged. Everyone else in the room shrugged as well. Stacey noticed that AJ had already started filming.
"Fine," Stacey wanted to rub her face but her hand was caught by Tonton on its way up before she could mess up her makeup. "Do I really have to wear makeup for this?"
"Yes!" all the people except for Ning spoke in unison. After all, she'd already asked this question a few times.
"Ok," Stacey reached up to rub her face and then remembering her makeup, purposely put it back down. She made one clap with her hands and drew in a deep breath, looking into the camera with a smile. "Hi everyone, it's Stacey Wright. I'm sorry, you haven't been seeing much of me lately. I've been recovering from my injuries and upping my keep. I mean mooding my sheep. No. I mean, keeping my mood up. I only woke up a few days ago. I'm able to stand and walk around normally for short distances now. Hopefully I will be able to return to the program soon. Please continue following me on my journey. Thank you."
Stacey clapped her hands and looked up at Landen.
"How was that? Good enough? Please say it is."
Stacey was tired. Surely this one take was passable.
"You changed some words, mixed some words up in the middle" Landen frowned, "and watch your intonation."
"I did?" Stacey looked at her cue card. "Ah. I did. Sorry. Let's try that again then."
She made several takes before Landen was satisfied.
"Are we done now?" Stacey leaned back on the bed and groaned. "Can we please take the makeup off now? It's itchy. Why can't I just say, 'Hi folks, thanks for tuning in. I've been sick, I'm getting better - oh but I forgot to tell you, I've forgotten everything again except for my own name. I'm not doing as great as I'm making out but I have to pretend for you because we're supposed to show you fans our best and most positive side. We're gonna have to start from scratch again. Sorry 'bout that. Stay tuned cos it's gonna be a wild ride of watching me be utterly confused all over again so that the people who think I'm faking things can point more fingers at me until they run outta them.' Wouldn't that be fun?"
"Stacey," Landen shook his head and his index finger at her, but he had a small smile.
"What? It's true," Stacey waved a tired arm in the air. "Isn't it? Is sarcasm not a virtue? Please say it is. No?"
"Here, Stacey, have a drink," Mindy coughed to the side, trying not to laugh. She passed Stacey a glass of water, while Tonton and Pearl helped to remove Stacey's make up.
Out the corner of her eye, Stacey realised AJ was still filming. Interesting. Tiring. Annoying. Maybe she could spout more nonsense. It would give Mindy more to play with later when they did the editing, but what actually came out of her mouth quickly turned bitter. It wasn't what she intended but it was how she felt and she couldn't stop herself.
"Positivity for the fans, huh? What if I did a song and dance just to show them how well I'm doing now? I can crash afterwards and then they can watch how everyone puts me back to bed. Seriously, am I really a part of the show? It seems so unreal. I don't think I'm cut out for this business. I'm pretty sure I don't know how to sing, dance or act. I can't read or understand any of the Tadpole. Am I going to have to learn everything from scratch again?"
Eyebrows rose while a wave of fatigue washed over her. Stacey rambled on to the ceiling in decreasing volume. A sleepy heaviness pulled her down into the sticky embrace of the dark.
"I only know of you guys from the videos I saw of me on my channel, but I don't know you at all. You're all strangers to me. All I know is that I got hurt, was sick, I woke up and voila, I'm married to a stranger. I don't know what this Tadpole language is, how many days it's been since whenever or what day of the week it is or what country I'm in. I'm scared. I'm so scared."
Tears leaked out the corners of Stacey's eyes while she half mumbled to herself.
"I don't want to play the pity card, but I'm so scared and lost. If I don't tell someone, who do I tell? There's no one to talk to. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where I am. Am I going crazy? Have I gone crazy before? Is that why you all seem scared of me now? I don't even know what I did. One of my friends died because of me but I barely remember who he is or what he looks like besides what he was like in the video. I think I dreamed of him. My heart hurts when I think of him. People are blaming me for the battle but nobody will tell me why the battle took place in the first place and what we were fighting for. How did I fight when I'm pretty sure I don't know how to fight? What happened to me when I was fighting in the battle and training for it? Cos that wasn't me and I'm pretty sure I should know that I'm a spineless coward who can't even run away in the face of danger, let alone fight when stuff happens. Really, what's the point of watching a messed up, confused person like me who has no skills, no abilities, with nothing worth anything go through their stressfully boring day?"
Stacey's voice faded as she began to feel more self-conscious about blurting out what was on her mind while mumbling to herself. Maybe they would think she was falling asleep. Yes. Let them think that. She was on the verge of it anyway.
"Why did I have to wake up when other people with ambitions and dreams wanted to but didn't? Why wasn't I the one to die? I can't even think clearly anymore. What use am I?"
The people in the room exchanged looks and stood still for a long moment. Each person seemed to be busy with their own contemplation. Then they all seemed to release a collective breath. They repositioned Stacey in the bed and tucked her in.
"You're not useless, you're very talented," Mindy gave her a kiss on the forehead. "You aren't going crazy. We're here to support you. Don't be scared."
"Battles happen and people die. The survivors always wonder why they were left behind when they thought someone else was more worthy to live than them. You live with the guilt but over time realise that your friends that died - those people are never really dead as long as you can still remember them," Landen stroked her hair and then walked out of the room. "We'll see you on the other side."
"Darling, you're very smart. Some of us reckon you're quite the competitive perfectionist," Tonton held Stacey's hand and gave it a squeeze. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Believe in yourself because we believe in you. We didn't give up before and we're not giving up on you now. You learn quick and you've got so many people cheering you on now. You're not alone. You'll find yourself soon enough. I have faith in you."
Pearl only gave Stacey a hug and followed her teacher out.
AJ filmed the scenery outside the window, Stacey sleeping in the bed and the empty room for a long moment. He was packing up when Jannick came in.
"I heard that she's having trouble adjusting?"
AJ and Ning who were left in the room nodded to Jannick's question.
"Big Boss wants to see the recording. Ning, get one of your boys to replace you and then come with me," Jannick gestured.
"Yes, Captain," Ning brought a fist to his chest.
When they were all gone, Stacey climbed out of the bed and staggered to the bathroom. She wanted to sleep, but she wanted to cry more She didn't know what was wrong with her, but it hurt. Her chest - emotions, hurt too much to sleep right now. Closing the door behind her, she sank to the floor and cried.