"Hit me Parker. Hit me with your best shot, tell me how disappointed you are, tell me how sad and fucked up my lif---"
"Shut the fuck up Cade!" Kai snapped "Will you just shut up and let me talk" he asked
I looked at him angrily but I remained quiet
"How are you?" He asked softly
I looked at him, surprised at his question and tone "Yo okay man?. Don't go all soft on me" I said to him
"Fucking answer the question Cade"
"I'm fine" I gritted out with clenched jaws
"Stop lying to me Cade. I know you're not fine right now, but trust me man you'll be fine. I'll help you, I'll be there all the way. I wish Mom had found you sooner, I wish I had met you sooner, but I'm here man, I'm here for you, I'll always be no matter what. No matter what you are diagnosed with. I want to help you, I really want to. Help me help you, Cade" Kai said sounding pained
Keeping my gaze on him, I said nothing, I just stared at him long enough to see his face fall in disappointment. I watch him leave sadly, I watch my shot at redemption leave.
My demons come in many forms, it comes in many ways and it definitely comes in many names. I sat and watch as they all name my demons, study it, I watch as they prescribe drugs and treatment to make it go away, but that's just the sad aspect, the demons that hunts me will never stop, they will continue to hunt me till I die, no treatment and therapy can drive away my demons.
The length in which I've fought my demons made me one of them. I've fought my demons so hard and so long that I've become one. I look in the mirror and all I see is them, I don't see me anymore, I don't see Caden Manchester, I see who I was told to be before I even knew who I was, I see the person the world made me, not the person I was meant to be. I don't think I can be who I was made to be, I feel like it's too late to start over, I feel like no matter what, the past will always catch up.
It catches up to me in different forms, in nightmares, in flashbacks to Vincent, Victor and even Vanilla and Caramel. I shouldn't have dragged Vanilla into this shit with me, she shouldn't be in my messed up and fucked up life, she deserves better, not me, a drug addict, an alcohol freak, an orphan, a fucked up soul, a broken artist. She deserves better, she deserves someone who will adore and love her, and these things, sadly, I'm not capable of, And Kai, the beloved brother, the one who seem to think I'm redeemable, I can't do away with him, but I can ignore him and I will.
Over the years of Traumas and Pain, I've lost myself. I can't recognize the person I've become, I'm a shadow of the person I used to be. I was actually never a person, I was a child, a 7 years old boy who lost his sister to the he cruel hands of fate, a young child whose life changed since that day. I skipped a lot of phases in my life, from a 7 years old boy to a 17 years old broken man. I matured too early because the damage was too heavy.
I have scars decorated all over my body, perhaps I should get more tattoos to cover my scars, but can I show my vulnerability in other to cover it?, Can I open my scars in order to close it?.
Even if I get tattoos, the scars run deep, deeper than even I can think. It sad, the way I'm broken, how damaged I am. My filth disgusts me, my scent irritates me, my ways annoy me, my image is a shame, my hatred for myself grows deeper day by day. Despite knowing the things I do, the wrong things I do, I can't stop, I'm addicted to evil, to bad, to darkness.
I heard a saying a long time ago, It said If you let the darkness in, it's never coming out. I let the darkness in years ago and it's never coming out, the realization shocks me to the core, but it's the truth.
I would be lying if I said I don't miss who I was, the young boy with beautiful laughs and amazing people, the young boy who had all he wanted, but all this changed in a blink of an eye, this young boy died the day his sister died, he died with her, never to be awoken. I don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology for becoming the person I am, the darkness I am, I won't give any idiot an explanation, I wasn't born like this, I was made this and no one gave me explanations and apologies for turning me this way.
I hate staring at the mirror, my reflection scares me, I don't see myself, I see Vincent's smirkful face, I see Victor's deadly grin, I see my mother, Roseanna's face, streaked in tears, I see Caramel's face contorted in pain, seconds before her demise, I see Fiona's expression when I lashed out on her. I don't see myself, I see the dark, I see Darkness and sadly that darkness is me. The darkness looking back at me is me.
I was too addicted to the darkness that I became the darkness. I am different things, I am my demons, I am my sister's killer, I am darkness, I am broken, but never am I light, never am I happy, never am I smiling truly and it's all because I can never be this things.
I am darkness. I am broken. I am unbelievably damaged. I am a broken artist who has lost his muse. I am the devil's child. I am darkness, the sooner everyone sees that, the better for them. I saw it a long time ago and God knows I had no choice but to accept it.
_____
+Fiona's Point of View+
"Do you think he is okay" I asked for the fourth time, feeling tired.
"For God's sake Kings! He's fine, he has to be" Lizzie snapped at me.
"Eliza, don't shout at her, she's just concerned, we all are. He's being in there for over 2 hours now" Kai said pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.
"Maybe we sh --" Caroline's sentence was cut short by the Caden's entrance, immediately, I stood up, walking hastily towards him.
"Caden!" I said when I was closer to him.
He looked at me with a devilish smirk as he said "Easy there Fiona, don't be too eager to get the dick."
Shocked, I said "What?."
"Are you dumb, blonde is usually the dumb, but now I think black is the new dumb, actually Fiona is the new dumb" He said, walking away from me, leaving me confused.
"Are you okay?" I asked, still worried. Did the drugs get to his head?.
He stopped walking, looked back at me "I am okay, but are you, sweetheart?."
I visibly tensed at the use of that stupid endearment, I was too shocked to reply, but thankfully, Caroline came to my rescue as she snapped "Stop being a douche, Motherfucker!."
Caden only looked at her, shaking his head in mock pity as he said slowly "Black is really the new dumb."
I gasped in surprise and annoyance "What's wrong with you?."
He turned, faced me as he sneered "You. You are wrong with me and You are wrong for me, so stay the fuck away from me, bitch" laying emphasis on the last word.
I was glued to the ground, surprise flowing through my veins. I watch as Caroline growl in annoyance, removing her left shoe as she hurled it at his face, and it met him, 'cause that girl has aim, but that didn't stop Caden as he continued to spit his hurtful words at me.
"Pretty Princess Fiona, always having people to fight her battles for her, Daddy, Cara and now, this black bitch. You just have to accept the fact that not everyone wants you, some just want to use you, play with you, toy with you, because you are dumb. You don't even have the common sense to know who hates you and who loves you. Tssk, stupid you, stupid Fiona, and definitely Stupid Vanilla" He concluded, saying the last word with mockery.
Nothing could hold me as I broke down, crying, feeling the weight of his words and the tiredness of my body crush me to pieces. I held on to my chest, like I was holding my heart in my hands, holding and grasping unto it with everything in me, begging it not to break, but it was too late as it was already broken.
"Get out of here Cade" I heard Lizzie screamed.
Still on the ground, I held on to my already-broken heart tightly.
"Get the fuck out of here Manchester or I swear to God, I'll call the cops, I don't care if you are my brother or not, no one gets to do this" Kai shouted at Caden, but I was barely listening to them.
I felt hands around me, Lizzie's hand as she whispered "Shhh, It'll be fine, you'll be fine."
I wish her words are true, I hope it's true.