June 10, 2015
"Have you been crying?" Deanna asked as Landon stepped onto the back deck, carrying both the picture and video of Theresa. In his confusion, he had forgotten to leave it in the bedroom. Since that day, he has been absent mind. He has been forgetting a lot of things. In contrast, their memories have been crisped in his mind as if it was just yesterday.
Landon felt embarrassed and wiped his eyes as Deanna put down the newspaper and rose from her seat. Though she was in the house for these past weeks, she never saw Landon cry. She knew what he was feeling. She has also undergone such moments when she lost Paul, her husband.
"Are you okay? Are you still thinking of what had happened?" She bumped into one of the chairs as she reached out and took Landon's hand. Deanna might have been with them since that day but she hasn't talk about it with Landon. It's not that she doesn't want to talk about it. It's just that having experience it before, she knew that Landon needed some space and time before he's ready to talk about the pain that he has been nursing.
Landon shook his head, "Yes, nothing could be more painful in my life than losing her..." He paused in silence and just looked at her. "And I don't know what to do now," he added while showing Deanna a sleepless face.
"It's indeed a painful thing for me as her mother too but do you think Theresa would be happy seeing you like that?" Deanna's free hand gestured compulsively as she asked the question.
"I know... but I couldn't help it." Landon paused in a moment, "Life is so unfair. Of all people, why her? Why should it happen to my Theresa?" These are the questions that he has been reflecting with himself since he lost Theresa. He couldn't find a reasonable answer for what happened to her.
Landon wiped his eyes and walked over to the wrought-iron table where Deanna had been sitting. Still feeling heated of what happened; he did his best to compose himself.
Deanna looked up at Landon and her eyes too were watering. It wasn't just him, after all. She also lost a daughter, the only daughter she had. Though, she still has a son, losing a daughter brought her great pain. Nothing would be more painful for a mother than to bury her own daughter instead of the other way round.
"Life... is not unfair," Deanna finally said. "It's part of our life to die. Death is one of our possibilities of being human. No one can escape it." She knew she had to project a stronger image for their comfort.
"But—"
Mavis woke up from his sleep and was crying so Deanna went back to his room to see if he's okay while Landon went for a jog in the beach. Other than being with Mavis and Deanna, jogging and walking along Myrtle Beach has been the only comforting ways for Landon to keep his sanity. Not only because of the majestic view of the beach but more so it was the place where had he first met Theresa.
When Landon reached the beach, he saw the usual spot where he and Theresa always go every afternoon to see the royal sunset. Looking at the place he remembered their last conversation.
"Landon, can you promise me that you would take care of Mavis especially when I'm gone?" Theresa asked while reaching for Landon's hand.
Landon shook his head, suddenly afraid on what Theresa was getting at. "Don't say anything like that. You will be well. You will surpass that." Landon forlornly said. Despite the low chance of survival, he started to believe that miracle could happen with Theresa's situation. He was not the religious type of man but since their discovery of Theresa's aggravating condition; he has been approaching priests, pastors and evangelical preachers for prayers for his wife.
"Please don't be sad. My leukemia has been profound now. Before you came into my life, I prayed that I will get well for I still wanted to do my dreams but now that I have you and Mavis, I'm happy and ready to face death," she said in return.
"Please don't say such things. I know you will live," he commented as tears started to fall from his eyes.
Seeing him in tears, Theresa started to comfort his cheeks while wiping his tears. "Landon, my love, my sickness is now at the peak. It's already a miracle that I lasted this long. I want you to go on taking care of Mavis. Teach him be a good man as you are," she calmly asserted.
Instead of arguing and not wanting to create a bad memory, he simply nodded, his lips together. Then, he kissed her forehead and hugged her tightly.
Seeing that it was time for him to go back home, Landon started to jog. As he was on his way, questions, numerous questions bothered him like what is the meaning of his life now that Theresa is gone?
When Landon passed by the Myrtle Beach state park, he saw a couple in a bench, laughing and holding hands. He reminisced the time when he proposed to Theresa.
"Where are we going?" Theresa curiously asked.
"You have to trust me with this one," Landon smilingly replied.
When they reached the place, Theresa was amazed by it. It was a garden filled with different kinds of flowers like roses, stargazer, and tulips. Looking forward, she saw a small table for two and beside it, there were two men playing the guitar and the other, the violin. It was a perfect place where Theresa always dreamed about to experience.
Despite living with a silver spoon, Landon pulled of the preparations without using his family connections. Instead, he asked his friends for help. Enrico, an American-Colombian and owner of the House of Flowers gave the flowers. Alfonso, self-proclaimed half Greek but in reality his ancestors came from the Aboriginal tribe of Canada, prepared the food and the musicians since he owned the Mykonos Restaurant. And Abby, a wedding coordinator, booked them the venue at the Live Oak Allee of Brookgreen Gardens.
Theresa hugged Landon tight and said, "Thank you! It's all I dream about. I couldn't ask for more." After saying the words she kissed him in his cheeks.
After the dinner with the music being played, Landon stood up from his chair and knelt before Theresa and confidently said, "When you came into my life, my body was calling myself to free myself from within. I was being invited to get out from the selfish 'I' of my existence. My love for you is strong. The whole of I wanted you to be part of me. If this love of mine is just a dream of happiness, I would wish not to wake up from it." Landon paused for a moment.
He reached for something in his pocket and continued, "You might ask why I chose you and not some other? It's because you are lovable, and you are lovable because you are you. I see a certain value in you, and I wanted to enhance and be part of that value. You're the one who gives meaning to my existence, to my being. I wanted you to be as you are now to me, to be part of my life forever." Slowly, Landon opened his palm and slowly uttered, "Theresa, would you be the missing piece of my life? Would you marry me?"
Tears fell down from her eyes. Theresa could not talk but hugged Landon and kissed him in the lips. Before the second time their lips touch, she said, "Yes!"
When Landon reached the house, he saw how lonely and silent it was unlike when Theresa was still around. The house was a home filled with laughter and bright stories. It was a dreamlike place before it started to crumble with Theresa's disappearance. Landon immediately went straight to his room and took a shower.
After showering, he went to the room of Mavis. He saw that he is again sleeping in the arms of his grandmother. Deanna showed a body gesture to Landon signaling to take a rest but he went to the kitchen and got a bottle of beer.
When he was in his room looking for the photos of Theresa, he found an envelope addressed to him. It was hidden on the drawer of the desk near his bed. He laid the letter on the desk. His throat ached, making it difficult to breathe. The overhead light was making a strange prism of his unbidden tears. He reached for some tissue and rubbed his eyes. Composing himself as he started to read it.
My Darling,
I beg your forgiveness that I could not give you this letter personally. My body is weak now. I happily accept now my death for I am assured that you, my darling will take care of Mavis. I know that it will be hard for you to accept my end but I want you to remember that my love for you is unconditional. It could not be stopped even by death. It is a love, which is endless.
I am thankful that you give light to the meaning of my love. You taught me that love is union under the condition of preserving my integrity, my individuality. Love is my active power, a power, which breaks through the walls, which separate me from you, which unites me with you; love makes me overcome the sense of isolation and separateness of this sickness.
When you loved me, I experience a feeling of joy coupled with a sense of security from my illness. The feeling of my joy is my sense of being valuable, of being accepted and consented to. I no longer feel the fear of death and the anxiety of trying to be someone else. I experience an exhilarating sense of freedom. At the same time I feel secure, secure because you participate in my subjectivity such that I no longer walk alone in the world but that I walk together with you.
Ironically, I am in the same position as you are during my agony. I know that my bad health keeps me from doing my job well to be a mother and a wife to Mavis and to you. I feel guilty about it and thinking of how you will do when I will not be around anymore but as my death comes closer, I understand that I can be at peace. I found out that in accepting death as my possibility, I free myself. I am delivered from being lost in my possibilities. I would like you to accept my possibility of dying if not you keep freedom away from me.
Now, I am assured that even without me, you would do well because I saw your loving care to our son by doing the things, which I could not do.
Right now, I don't think you are ready to face my possibility of dying but my darling, remember that I would always be here next to you. I may not be present with you with my body but my love will.
Of course, I only wish you one thing. That is, I would like you not to think of my death as the end but as a celebration that the agony of my being is done.
My darling, thank you for coming into my life and giving joy in my sufferings. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for showing me that there will come a time when I can be assured of your bright future, Mavis and you, even when I will be gone.
I love you,
Theresa
For a second, he started reading the first part of the letter and went straight to Mavis's room. Deanna saw him crying while holding the letter. Tears burst forth from his eyes like running water. She had the feeling that it was a letter left by Theresa.
Landon asked for Mavis, held him into his arms and kissed him.