At some point in our lives, we begin to realize that there are things we have to do. Things that if not done, threaten to tear apart the feeble barrier we put up around ourselves to keep our deepest, darkest thoughts at bay.
As a child, I grew up without this barrier. I could wake up as the dawn of light struggled to find its way past the curtain of my window and turn on my PlayStation. I threw everything aside as I played Call of Duty. Unafraid, and brave enough to take on the whole world, I cursed, and laughed, and cried as I experienced all types of emotions going through the motions. At that time, I wore my emotions on my sleeve.
There never seemed to be an issue, and for the longest time, I thought I would love nothing more than to grow up. Grow up so I could avoid the oh-so-terrible lag that threatened to ruin my gaming experience. Of course, the smaller version of myself thought I had it all figured out. Being an adult was easy. Sure, there were taxes, but I could have good internet, and play Call of Duty all I wanted without having to endure my nasty brother opening internet explorer tabs to troll me. I figured the trade would be well worth it.
Then the third grade came. That day I raised my hand and went to the bathroom. Sure enough, I was quickly excused after lowering my head to conform to the teacher's petty thrashing from saying "Can I?, instead of May I?" However, without a hitch, I was there and some other boys as well. It all seems to be a blur as I still struggle to remember what happened, but that day I experience my first fight. I thrashed the kids and felt good about it. For all of two seconds, I felt alive as blood rushed to my head, and adrenaline coursed through my veins. Inevitably I got called to the principles office where they mentioned the word 'detention'.
The word was foreign, cold, and unassuming as she asked whether I understood what it meant. Of course, I did, but in my mind, I could never get in trouble for such a thing. I was perfect, and those kids were the ones who deserved what they got. I did well in school, and perhaps it was too early for me because I got off with a warning that day and a slap on the wrist. But looking back, that probably became a turning point in my life.
Later on in my life, I would come to realize that this was when I started to begin changing. I became quieter, more reserved, and embarrassed to talk to others. The comfort of online gaming stayed for a few more years, but eventually, that left me too. Elementary came and went as I quickly moved on to middle school.
At that time in the sixth grade, the world was taken by storm. A video had popped up that took the world over as silly bands once did. The video was called Gangnam Style. It was boring. Something I watched, and forgot a whole of 20 seconds later, only to hear it brought up the next day at school. I suppose I was popular enough at the time to have people talk to me, and some friends if they could be called that. But, I've later come to realize they were really only acquaintances, the kind you would talk to in school and forget about at home.
Fast forward three years, and I was now in high school. At the time I still had the false preconception that I could do great things. While others struggled, school work came easily to me. Like a fish in water, I barely put in the effort and did better than others. Of course, I was only a small fish in a small pond. There were still others smarter, faster, cooler, and more popular than me, and I suppose I was too naive to think about trying to change myself. But it would be more apt to say, I was too embarrassed to change myself. I felt it was too late to change the conception people had of me in their heads already, and so I resigned myself to being the quiet kid that everyone knew, but no one would hang out with.
I was never on the list of people invited to parties or gatherings, but I convinced myself that was ok. I convinced myself that it would all get better when I went to college. Like the child version of myself, I thought being an adult would change everything and I would never see these people from high school once I graduated anyways.
However, secretly, I yearned for the days where the only thing I worried about was not sleeping past my bus stop. Back then, I was free. I couldn't give a rat's ass if my head banged off the glass as the bus drove and people stared and talked, or that I had missed my bus stops plenty of times before. I just enjoyed the sensation and reprieve that can only be obtained from not thinking.
Now, I'm alone. College came, and I'm alone. It's not that talking to people is hard, it's that opening up to people is hard. To the people close to me, I value as I value the fingers on my hand. They're the only thing keeping me from...
I don't hate my parents, but I despise them at times. I convince myself that if they had not worked so hard, and cared about me more, I would have done more extracurriculars and made more friends. But it's an excuse. It always is.
2020 is a shit year, and I have a shit life. But for a small time, I can be brought back to the days where the world lit up as wind blew inside the restaurant and I felt like a sailor at sea playing Pokemon Sapphire and crossing the sea while running into wingulls. It's not much, but sometimes that's the power of music. As I listen to Pokemon Music, I shut my eyes and reminisce. Not because I have nothing else to do, but because it's all I want to do. It's all I wish I had to do.