This is a fictional story written from the perspective of a boy.
There are some people whose life story is written with ink of tears by the cruel hands of fate. And fortunately, I am one of them. I am saying that I am fortunate because the stories written with tears can never be erased by time and I am sure that even after my death, my story will live forever.
The first chapter of my story was written in the eighteenth autumn of my life. I was a first year engineering student then. The golden leaves were whispering tender secrets to each other, making a rustling sound. Contrary to the tranquil season, the atmosphere of our college was relatively electrifying as our college was organizing the annual fest. Due to this, there was not much pressure of studies on us. Since no teacher was present in the classroom, we all were playing 'Singing jingle'. When my turn came, I started singing,Suddenly everyone became quiet. Then I realized someone had entered the classroom. Two doe like eyes were looking at me intently. I looked back at them. I don't know for how long I kept looking at those eyes like this. But the hypnotism ended with a pat on my back. My friend whispered in my ears, "Let's go back to our seats. Sir has come."
It was a lecture on C-my favorite subject, but I couldn't concentrate a bit. I kept searching for those eyes. Finally, I got a chance to see the face which had those bewitching eyes. And only one adjective can describe that face- Pure- as pure as unconditional love. And so was her name-Paavni-a synonym for pure.
From then on, I began searching new ways to talk to her. This couldn't remain hidden from my friends. Whenever she entered the classroom, they started screaming, But she never talked to anyone. Everyone in college used to call her-'NIT ditcher' because in spite of getting admission in NIT Trichy, she joined our not-so-famous college. Sometimes I felt that she wanted to say something to me. But she never spoke a word.
One day when I was taking the submitted assignments to staff room, a voice came from behind, "Can you please take my assignment too? "I looked back. It was Paavni, with assignment in her hands. "A thousand times over you, Mam", I said, repeating line from my favorite book- The Kite Runner. As I said these words, Paavni ran out of the classroom with tears in her eyes. I stood there, perplexed at her reaction. I couldn't understand how these lines could offend anyone.
Several days passed after this incident. Our semester exams were over and our college was closed for one month. And in that one month, I realized that I couldn't live a day without Paavni. So as soon as our next semester started, I ran to Paavni and told her about my feelings. I was expecting a slap. But to my surprise, for the first time she smiled and said, "I always knew you will say this."
Then our semester results were declared. Paavni topped the college and I was second topper. If the topper was any other person, I would have felt jealous. But I was happy for Paavni. Strangely, she never called me by my name. At first, I thought that it was due to respect. But even before we got into relationship, I had never heard her taking my name. But I was not bothered about it. The days I spent with her were bliss. We used to be lost in each other's love. Life was perfect. But what is perfect is not real. The joy of those days was the greatest lie in my life. One day, during lunch, we both were sitting under a tree. I was reading out a novel to her. She used to ask me to read novels to her. She said that she loved my voice.
She said looking at me, "You love reading very much, isn't it?"
"Not as much as I love you", I said, smiling mischievously.
"I love you too, Arjun", she replied, looking at the ground.
"But I am Parth, not Arjun", I said in shock.
"I don't know why are you behaving like this? Maybe after drowning you have lost both your face and memory. But I can recognize you by your voice…"Paavni screamed at me, clutching my collar.
"Hold on.. If this is a joke, Paavni, it is disgusting", I said, losing whatever little patience that was left in me.
"No, it is not a joke. Everyone thought you were dead but I knew you will come back for me, Arjun."
"How many times do I have to tell you that I am not Arjun?" I shouted.
"Your shouting can't change the truth. You have same voice as him. You both are left-handed. Not only this, your birthdays are also same, on 27th October. He also used to say – "A thousand times over you" like you said to me."
"But thousands of people have read this book. This doesn't mean that they all are Ar…"
I was baffled by all this. I was frustrated that all this while, Paavni was loving me as another boy not as me. Maybe she was not loyal to me. So to hide it, she made up that story. But it was hard for me to believe that Paavni would play such a game with me. So I decided to find out the truth by meeting her parents.
"Yes, Paavni was deeply in love with a boy named Arjun in school. But in class 12th, he drowned in Ganga on a school trip in front of her eyes. Even his dead body could not be found. Paavni could never recover from this shock. She became a schizophrenic. She could not accept that Arjun was dead. She said that he is alive. She used to say that she could hear his voice. And when she saw you, due to similarities, she thought that you were Arjun", said her father when I told him the whole story.
"But I am not Arjun", I retorted.
He said with saint-like serenity, "I know son, what you must be feeling now, but always remember one thing-love is mad; you can't expect it to understand logic. And by the way, your voice is really same as Arjun", he said giving a weak smile as I stood up to go.
So, the girl with whom I was madly in love, didn't even recognize me. All this while, she was loving me as Arjun, not as Parth. Realizing this, I felt an intense jealousy along with hate for Arjun whom I didn't even know. I felt thankful to God that he was dead. Moreover, I was erupting with anger for Paavni. How could she cling on to memories of a dead boy, completely ignoring the sentiments of a living person? These thoughts were making me mad. Then, seed of a wicked thought started to germinate in my mind. I thought that having same voice and same birthday as Paavni's ex-boyfriend could not be just coincidence. Moreover we both were left-handed. I felt that maybe God wanted me and Paavni together. If she considered me as her dead boyfriend, why I should tell her truth? After all Arjun is dead so what is the use of breaking that poor girl's heart by telling the truth? But my heart knew that these were all excuses. The truth was that I didn't want to lose Paavni even if she loved me as her ex-boyfriend Arjun, not as me. And as it is said- Everything is fair in love and war.
I couldn't get a minute sleep that night. The thought of polluting Paavni's pure love with my selfishness was eating up my soul like fatal cancer. I started feeling ashamed of myself. I didn't realize when the darkness of night gave way to joyous chirping of birds but when I reached college, I had made the decision.
I went straight to Paavni. My legs were trembling and the world around me was getting blurred.
"Paavni, I want to tell you something", I said in a trembling voice.
"Tell me, I am all ears", she said in her innocent voice.
Hearing her voice, I felt a strong urge to not to tell her anything. With tear-filled eyes, I said, "I am not your Arjun. We can't be together, Paavni."
She couldn't react at that time. I went away from her. Then she screamed, "Don't go, Arjun. Don't leave me again."
I was crying too. If only she had said Parth instead of Arjun…
After that day, I avoided Paavni whenever she tried to talk to me. So we never talked to each other during our remaining college days. But I used to see her stealthily. I wanted to tell her that it was not only Arjun who had loved her but stopped myself. It was not because I was a great man but I had realized that love does not mean being together; it is synonym of sacrifice.
Three years after college :
It was still dawn when I stepped out of the cab and walked towards the entry gate of the Delhi airport. The early morning February air was pleasantly cold.
I was travelling to Bengaluru to attend a college friend's wedding. It had been four years since we graduated from the same college. This wedding was also going to be a reunion of our batchmates. But what I didn't know was that the reunion would begin much ahead of time; right in the queue in front of the airline counter.
I was almost sure it was she. Same height! Same long hair! Same complexion! Curiosity had my eyes glued to her. And then about 60-odd seconds later, when she turned, she proved me right. My ex-girlfriend stood two places ahead of me in that queue. We had never met after the college farewell and coincidentally the day on which I was seeing her again was Valentines day.
My life had changed completely in these six years. I had changed from a carefree boy to an ambitious man. I had immersed myself in work to forget my pain. Still when I saw her, my heart fluttered with joy of an eighteen-year old. Then I realized that the glamorous happiness of success can never outshine the simple joy of love.
It appeared as if she hadn't seen me. She came there with her father. Her father then went to take a taxi. Hiding from Paavni's sight, I went behind him.
I greeted him.
he replied.
"How is Paavni?"I could not stop myself from asking the question.
"She is alright", he said, in a broken voice, which he tried his best to keep firm.
"What happened to her?"
"Nothing. She is fine."
"Uncle, please tell me the truth."
He said wiping his tear-filled eyes, "When you broke up with Paavni, her condition deteriorated. Her psychological state has become very unstable. Doctors say that if her condition doesn't improve in two months, she has to be admitted to an asylum. That's why I have come here. I knew you will come in your friend's wedding. I thought perhaps seeing you again can improve her condition."
"But why haven't you told me this earlier?" I asked angrily.
"You were doing well in your career. I didn't want to distract you from success because of my daughter."
"My success? Forget success, my life is meaningless without your daughter", I shouted without caring for the passers-by who were staring at me.
Once again, life had slapped me. The girl, for whom I broke my heart with my own hands, was in such a miserable state. I had failed as a lover. I had just made things difficult for Paavni. "No, I can't let her admitted to asylum. On that day, outside the airport, I understood that our life is like a compass which has its own North, towards which it always points and the North of my life was love.
During my friend's wedding celebrations, I went to Paavni. She was stupefied. I took her hand in mine and said looking into her eyes, "Your heart was right, I am your Arjun."
And we got into relationship again. She also came to Delhi for searching job which was difficult to get due to her gap. I tried to rekindle her interest in technical stuff and brush up the IT skills so that she could kick-start her career again. I also got her attend meditation classes so that her mind became calm. Her psychological health started improving. Doctors were amazed at the improvement Paavni was showing. And she had also got a decent job as a developer in an MNC. But even in those happy times, my heart longed to hear her saying my name- Parth. But that remained an unfulfilled wish. And after one and a half month, I knew the time for executing the second step of my plan had come.
I started to act as if I got irritated in Paavni's presence. I avoided her phone calls, not responded to her message. One day, we both were in the same mall but I pretended as if I hadn't seen her and acted like I was on a phone call. She had seen me. When I saw she came near enough to hear me, I spoke loudly, "Yeah! I know I am very intelligent but my plan succeeded not only because of my intelligence but also due to Paavni's stupidity. That mad girl believes that I am her dead ex-boyfriend as I have same voice as him. What she doesn't know is that I can mimic any voice. "
I further went on, "That dumbo didn't realize that I had been using her all the time. In college, when I came to know that she had cleared AIEEE, I thought I can use her intelligence to increase my marks. But she was not the type of girl who could mix with others easily, so I dug up some old secrets of hers. And fortunately, I found that my birthdate is same as her dead boyfriend Arjun. So, I came up with the plan to convince her that I am Arjun. To make her conviction stronger, I even copied that loser's voice. But when I found that she was no use to me, as even after befriending her I couldn't come first in class, I ditched her. But now I need her sharp mind again to help me climb even faster in the corporate ladder. And, when I have used her… "
Slap!!!
Red finger marks were imprinted on my cheeks. Paavni was standing there, with tears in her eyes.
"So, you were using me the whole time", she was sobbing, "Didn't you feel any shame in exploiting someone's painful memories?"
"Life is a game, dear, and the only thing which is important is winning. Things like love are only distractions", I said smiling, as if nothing had happened.
"You will suffer, Mr. Whoever you are. You can laugh now at my situation, but a time will come when your life will be worse than hell and you will plead for death…", she was saying without even pausing for breathing.
"Goodbye, Paavni", I simply said, going out of the mall.
I collapsed on the road. I don't remember that I've cried so much in my entire life. The worst thing was that I cannot even pray for Paavni to be mine in next birth because I know she has to be with Arjun in every birth. As time passed, my pain grew like a mammoth instead of diminishing. As a result of it, I lost my psychological balance and started seeing visions of Paavni everywhere. Finally, the only place which could accept me, was an asylum.
And two years after this incident, doctors have advised my parents that I should undergo a treatment which will erase Paavni's memories inside my mind. But how can I let that happen? Her memories are the only thing I have been left with. How can someone break the foundation of one's own life? But if I refuse to undergo the treatment, it will cause great pain to my parents. After all, seeing your only son being ended up in asylum is one of the toughest things for any parent. So only one way is left to solve this dilemma -I must kill myself. My love story will forever remain incomplete. By the time, anyone will get this suicide note, I will be dead. But whoever is reading this story, please tell Paavni that besides Arjun, another boy had loved her and his name was Parth.
A Bitter Heart,
Beauty and peace is what I fear,
Hatred is what my heart adheres.
Life has made me bitter as gall,
I don't give a damn even if I fall.
All I want to do is reach to the top,
Whoever comes my way I shall drop.
Successful is what I am going to be,
For that I can do anything I need.