October 26, 2018
Dear Lukas,
Hey, it's Connor again. Sorry for all the letters. I know no one writes them anymore, but you left with no explanation, and this feels like the right way to say goodbye.
I miss you. Everyone misses you. I know if I say I'm the only one who misses you, you wouldn't care much. But it's not just me. Lukas, it's your parents, your friends, it's everyone. You were always so nice to be around.
Why didn't you say goodbye? I need to know why no one knew you were leaving. You up and left. You knew we were all here to talk to, why didn't you come to any of us? You never gave us a warning. Why did you leave no warning? Why did you leave?
I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. You always used to think I'd get mad at you over the smallest things. But I was never mad at you. You knew I was never mad at you. The few times I ever was mad at you, I regretted it so much. I still regret it, all the time. I wish I wouldn't have wasted all that time trying to prove a point to you, instead of cherishing our time together. I regret it so much now. They say all couples fight, but we should've never fought. I was always the one to start it, too...I regret starting it.
Speaking of starting stuff, do you remember when we were in college and we started dating? We were so happy together. But then, the day everything happened...we weren't. Well, maybe we were happy––just not in the moment. I had picked that stupid fight with you over the grocery store parking lot, where you had almost backed into the cart return. That was the day you left, was it really my fault?
I wonder if you remember the time when I fell down the stairs.We were trying to race each other to class. I was mortified. We embarrassed each other so much in high school and college. You don't know how much I miss teasing and laughing with you over all the stupid stuff we used to do together. You were the best person to laugh with. I miss your stupid laugh, it made you so happy. I wish you were always happy like that, even when you weren't taking any meds...
One of my favorite moments with you was when you came out to your parents with me. I was supposed to be your friend having a sleepover with you and then you flat out told your parents, "This is my boyfriend."First, I was told I could no longer sleep over. But then, you looked at them and knew immediately, they were going to be there for you. I was in shock, and I'm pretty sure your parents were too. But then your mom said she always knew you were gay. I mean, you did make it obvious. At least they supported you till the end. They miss you too.
Lukas, the house feels so empty without you. It was supposed to be our house. We chose it, decorated it, we even planned our future in it together. I miss laying in bed with you and talking about our future. I miss our late nights, fantasizing about the day we'd get married and have kids. We started to save up for a wedding. Little did you know, I always carried the little gold ring in my jacket pocket, waiting for the right moment to propose. But now that's all gone. I miss all of that. I miss you. I wish you could come back. I don't understand why you left, we were so happy together. I could've made you happier.
I continue to think about you every night, all of our old memories. How I'll never get those moments back. I wish I savoured our time together more... Then again, I never knew you'd leave. There was no reason to cherish the love we shared, because I thought I would have so much more time with you. I never really thought about what would happen if you left.
Please don't think I'm blaming you. If anything, I'm blaming myself. I wish you would've told me, or left some sort of note. Why couldn't you have given me a sign? I'm not blaming you, I'm sorry. I just wish there was a sign. I wish I knew your medication wasn't working. I wish I would've taken time out of my own self-absorbed brain to notice. I'm sorry, maybe I wasn't looking hard enough for a sign.
Maybe I'm this angry because I know deep down I'm the reason you left. I'm too much of a coward to admit it. I'm still in denial, I guess.
I'm blaming it on myself. You'd be scolding me if you were here right now. You hated when I would blame myself. You were too good for me. I miss your reassurance. You always supported me. I wish I had supported you more. I wish I gave you what you deserved.
I miss you so much. I love you,
Connor
I get out of the desk chair, and fold the letter into an envelope. I seal it and wipe my tears away. I am soaked in my own sobs, but I have to go. I put on my shoes and grab my keys. As I walk out to the car, I start to remember how Lukas would always forget his keys. If he didn't forget his keys, he'd forget something else important, like his phone or his wallet. I miss his mind and the way it worked. He had such a strange way of thinking of things. Lukas was always positive…I don't think he was ever intentionally negative.
The car makes a slow start and I look up, pulling out of the driveway. It drives lousily down the road. It's almost like it knows I'm sad, and it's trying to give me more problems. Lukas would be laughing at me for thinking that way. I was always the one to think irrationally. I would always think about all the things that would never happen. I was too paranoid about my thoughts.
I drive past the post office and towards the end of the road. I can't think straight. Lukas would never think straight. I pull into the dull field full of stones. I can barely bring myself out of the car, but I manage to. I walk down the wide path until I see it.
Here lies
Lukas Leslie Daniels
Date of Birth - February 14, 1993
Date of Death - October 5, 2018
I kneel down to see it. I paid for his headstone with our wedding savings. He had told me to tell him if I was going to propose, I guess I should've. He loved to plan ahead. It was kind of funny, he was so unorganized but always loved having a plan.
I remember the day we buried him. Of course I do, it was only last week. I tried my hardest to stay strong and get through the service. I didn't look at him. No one looked at him. I didn't want to look at him because I knew if I looked into the casket, I would have to leave. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to be strong for him. He would've wanted me to stay. He was my rock and he would be the one here right now, telling me I'd be okay. But he's gone. I never got to say goodbye and I guess now I'm getting to say it through letters.
I place my hand on the cold headstone, and trace the engraved words. I take the letter out of my coat pocket, where I used to carry the engagement ring, and place it next to the pile of envelopes on the patched dirt. God, I miss him so much.