After reading the handwritten poem I found, my curiosity got the best of me. I took my phone out and started some internet searching. I was curious if I could find something or someone on the internet related to these poems. For some reason, something inside me was itching to find out who can this person be. If these poems were written by someone and were published, it couldn't be that hard. I tried searching using some lines from the poems, but unfortunately, I got zero results.
Damn it! I cursed to myself.
"Why on earth would you wanna know for?" Said a tiny voice in my head.
"Because I wanna know! Does it even matter? Do I need a valid reason to do something that isn't even illegal?" Another voice in my head argued back.
I am having these two voices in my head arguing like kids. Or better yet like the angel and the devil trying to win me over. This time, the curious one has won my favor. I just can't give up on this. A bright idea came into my head.
"What about you do the search on social media. Just look if something similar or relevant would come up." Said the small voice inside me.
The idea got me hyped up, but I froze. A thought suddenly came into my head. Since I woke up from the coma and recovered, I've never been into any social media platforms. Now, I start to wonder about my social media accounts. I know I have one at least. People these days couldn't be existing without one. Like they said -- it never happened if it ain't in social media.
I at least wanna know something about who I was as a person before I fell into a coma. I wanna know myself not from other people's perspective, but from my own. I hurriedly stood up and went home excitedly. For the first time since I woke up from that coma, I never felt as ready as today -- to finally meet myself.
"Moooom! I'm home." Announcing my arrival.
"Why, you looked so happy today." My mom answered back. I guess I was too elated that even my mom could feel it.
"Nothing mom. I'll go to my room now. Got a lot of homework to do." I said after I threw myself to her.
"Alright. I'll call you when dinner's ready."
I walked hurriedly to my room. I threw my things to the bed and headed to my desk. While I was waiting for my computer to boot up, I am praying so hard that I got my accounts logged in, or at least have the passwords saved and remembered for easy access. I know I'm screwed if they're not -- with my entire life forgotten, how much more my passwords.
My hands were shaking as I typed the popular social media sites on the address bar. Much to my dismay, all of them only leads me to the login pages. There's not even an autofill!
"Fuck it!" I cursed in dismay, as I do a facepalm.
"Who the hell in the world logs out to their social media accounts! Stupid, stupid girl!" I exclaimed in anger as I pound my desk with clenched fists.
Every fiber of my body is shaking out of excitement, anger, and dismay. I could feel my blood rushing to my head, my temples pulsating, my heartbeat raising. Suddenly my hands and feet have gone cold, and I started sweating profusely. My entire body started to feel cold, then I felt a stabbing pain in my head. Before I knew it, I have gone dizzy. I tried to stand up, only to fell on my feet, and everything has gone black.
I opened my eyes and I saw nothing but lights and a white ceiling. I tried to look around and saw a figure standing by the window. It was Andrei -- he seemed to be lost in thoughts. I didn't say a word. I'm scared to say something to him because I felt guilty for how I treated him. I knew he was sorry for what he did, but I stick with my pride and butthurt ego.
I just watched him there, standing with hands in his pocket. He's wearing a school uniform with the upper buttons undone, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His long black hair tied in a low ponytail. I don't know how long have I been watching him but maybe it got into his senses that he suddenly looked my way.
"How are you feeling now?" He asked me, his eyes filled with concern, as he held my hand tightly. I didn't answer but look away instead.
"I know you're mad at me. I know you asked me to leave you alone for a week. I'm just here to give this to you. Thought you might like it." He said as he lends me a small box wrapped in a fancy paper.
"Get well soon. See you at school. Hope that by then, I'm forgiven. Don't get too worked up." He said as he brushed some of my hair away from my forehead.
He left me all alone, feeling guilty.
"You are feeling guilty, and you had a chance to make it right, but you still chose to stick to your fucked up ego. It's not just your brain that's fucked up but your sanity."
Said this nagging voice in my head. Even if I would want to say sorry now and makeup with him, it's all too late now. He's gone.
While I was deep in thoughts, my mom came and rushed her way towards me the moment she saw that I am awake. Her worried eyes were glimmering as if tears are about to fall. She hugged me tightly, so tight that I almost couldn't breathe.
"Mom, I'm alright." I said as I held her hands firmly.
"Don't you ever passed out on me again. I almost lost you once, and I don't wanna go through it all over again." She said as tears began to fall from her eyes.
I could feel her body trembling, and her heavy breathing. I could feel her pain. I held her tightly between my arms, and pat her on the back.
"You won't lose me any more mom. I promise." I said in a cracked voice, trying to hold back my tears.
"What happened to you?" She asked.
"I don't know. I think I am trying to remember something, but somehow, it just made my head hurt, I got dizzy, then woke up in here." I lied to her.
I don't know why I am trying to hide the truth. I'm pretty sure that my mom will help me answer some of my questions about myself, but for some reason, I couldn't find the guts to be truthful to her about my ordeal. She's the only person who will definitely understand me.
"The doctor said it might be that you are stressed out, or overthinking so much. He recommends not to force yourself into remembering." My mom explained. I just nodded in agreement.
I just lied in the hospital bed the whole day. I was there deep in thoughts. I felt like the universe had conspired against me when I was supposed to finally meet myself from my own point of view.
Fine by me. If I can't meet myself yet, then maybe I'll just go on and find the mystery poet that I am looking for.