God u must really have a plan for me, someone saved me. I woke up here Lord because u had other plans! Who would have known someone would rescue me, they, they, I don't even know any names! When I finally regained consciousness all they could tell me was I had been here 4 days and 11 hours. I was severely dehydrated and for two weeks they administered the sodium chloride, and would not release me. The frost bite was so painful! I guess this was better than being on the street... I really miss Zion, but I don't want to! Besides no one even knows I'm here, except the guy they say rescued me...I would like to personally thank him one day, he is truly an angel. It's good to know genuine people exist somewhere. The sad part about it is I had given up, I don't think I cared to wake up anymore. It's only so much hurt a person can take. How much strength can I possibly have.
I couldn't even have something as simple as a mother...or do something as simple as being one, and when I analyze my own character I've always put everyone before me. From my retrospective standpoint all I ever had growing up that I still cherish to this day are MuhDear's words!
She hadn't given Nina and I a perfect childhood, but what she'd given us was remarkable...I hadn't had any dolls. I had books. I remember the encyclopedias she'd got from a trash pile, they were new! Someone's initials were inside. She couldn't understand how someone could throw them away! I still remember the smell, the crisp binds, a whole collection of World Book Encyclopedias! They had the initials C L N engraved on each spine.
She gave them to us and said King Solomon hadn't prayed for all those riches, he prayed for knowledge, and she told us to learn everything we could! We read them, A-Z! My friends had not wanted to hear about Henry VIII so I didn't have too many and they didn't have encyclopedias. Then, she came...she took me away. I didn't have the encyclopedias anymore only the smell of crack smoke pouring in through the vents and a million new uncles with hard knees. Good thing I had memorized the books...
Lord thank u for saving my hands, I knew u would not allow me to lose them...u always have the last say so, thank u for the knowledge.
I wonder who combed my hair and why they have not come back? How can no one not know? Nurse Yolanda is really nice, she gave me so many clothes, her shoes are a size too big but Lord I am so grateful. I never imagined being a hobo...now Im being discharged and where will I go?
When I think things are turning around I end up hitting rock bottom hard! How could I let Zion consume my thoughts the way he did? He would not even touch me, no wonder...he would not even invite me to his home. At least he's faithful to her. Its sad, I'm not even attractive to anyone! Only guys on the passenger side, they don't care that Im homeless! Ms. Brenda, u were like another Grandmother, I really appreciated everything...only u set me up to be disappointed, I trusted u.
TOYA WHERE ARE U? I MISS U SO MUCH! I HOPE U ARE ALIVE...I can't walk. I CANT WALK! OH GOD, HOW CAN I FIND HER! I, I PROMISE I WILL GET BETTER AND FIND U! They keep giving me the meds baby, I dream about u so much. OH GOD I MISS HER! WHY DID U...
(Wipes Tears)
Work...I, do I have a job still? Oh Lord...How can I take care of my wife?
This all took a toll on me Baby, but I swear I will not let u leave me this easy. Did u make it baby? I. I can't stop screaming inside...is this love? Why does it keep hurting, keep ripping my, my heart!
(Rips gown)
I just wanna snatch out these wires and, and...please Lord!
"Sir u have to stay calm! Why are u so upset?! Call Dr. Maxwell! Lord, done ripped this gown to shreds! U one handsome man I tell ya, just as crazy as a road lizard! Ima strap these hands down u tear up another gown! Shhhh...calm down, stop all that crying, u gone be alright! it ain't yo time yet...and we take good care of ya here at the V.A...
I will climb the highest mountains for that girl Jesus. Nothing is impossible, I lay here recovering from cardiac arrest and pneumonia but I will still fight a blizzard to find u. I felt like the luckiest man alive, I could not stay away... I cannot trust myself around u alone, and when we were If I would have touched u I would have had a heart attack long before I nearly froze to death that's for sure! I can't lay here in this hospital too long, I will die, u are vital to my being. I am so crazy about u, why did u leave me? I still deserve the opportunity to explain u didn't give me a chance. I am so angry! So many emotions but this, this ANGER! I cry so much Toya...I feel deceived! I needed her and she couldn't see it. I can't even tell her we have the same birthday! I promise to take care of u Baby for the rest of my life...Lord please heal me so I can marry her, I need to make love to her soon, I have to show her how I feel.