I stare at the ground, my eyes fixed at the small cracks on the gravel stones. The school bell rings loud, piercing my ears. Our break is over, but I don't move from the bench, my hands clenching its sides, as kids rush back to their classes, a cool wind following behind them stubbornly.
Its been two days. Two days since the incident - but it didn't feel like it though. It feels like I'm living that day again and again. Doesn't matter of my eyes are open or not, all the memories will constantly repeat in my mind, as if it was real. The screams and the cries.
Oh, how she cried for help. How she saw me as the only one who could save her. That trust in her eyes. That relief, that slight and brief happiness.
And then he came.
He who brought death with him.
He who I fear.
I ran away from him, forgetting the agony i had left her in.
I left her to die, an innocent person, just so a sinner like me could escape.
Everything that happened was unforgettable.
Unforgiveable...
And it's all my fault.
If only I came to save them earlier. If only I didn't waste my time being coward. Then maybe-
"Ditching class again, huh?" A hand rests on my shoulder.
I look up to find Matthew staring back at me with concern in his light eyes.
I sigh, placing my head in my hands, "Looks that way, doesn't it?"
"Looks that way?" he scoffs, sitting next to me, "You're doing it so obviously."
I give a nod, rubbing hard at my face, as if that would make the exhaustion on my face to go away.
That night was the last straw-
I can't sleep even if i try now.
The bucket of guilt has over-flowed. The regret chokes me as soon as my eyes start to droop.
"You look like a piece of shit, by the way." Matt points out bluntly, swinging his legs to and fro.
"Didn't get much sleep?"
I snicker, drawing in a heavy breath. "Yeah, you've guessed it."
"You ok though, right?" He inquires, sitting up straighter, wearing a serious expression, "Did your old man make you work more than usual?"
"No-" I say, quickly, "No, of course not."
He doesn't reply to that, chewing at his lips , and frowning.
And it makes me wonder something,
Why?
Why is he with me still?
I've known him for years now and all the memories we have is if him looking after me. All this respect and kindness of him...why?
Not once, during these years, did he ask about my life until I told him.
I've lived in this town enough to know these people and their hidden faces: Twisted.
But he is the only one who isn't like that. The one who doesn't belong here. Not with me, not with this town.
"Why...are you here?"
My mouth opens with this question racing in my mind.
Matt shrugs, "Well, I mean you're ditching class and I didn't want to study either, so I decided to join you."
I shake my head vigorously, facing him, "No Matt, that's not what i mean. What I'm saying is, that why do you live in this town? You know how messed up it is, so tell me... why?"
He grins at me, "What's gotten into you? Random question, don't you think?"
"Come on." I say, impatiently, "Tell me."
"Ok? Screw got loose in your head?"
I don't say anything to that, nothing at all. I don't even know what to say anymore.
What am I even talk about anyway? Do I even have a right to ask?
And that is when something really hits my head- How well do I know Matthew?
Hell, I don't even know about his family.
I know nothing about his life.
What kind of a selfish friend am I?
"I'm sorry." I mumble, trying to swallow a lump up regret in my throat.
"What?" Matt stares, "What are you sorry for all of a sudden?"
"I....I'm sorry for being a horrible friend." I shake my head, ashamed. "You help me so much and yet I never got to know you better."
"Dude....are you sick or something?" Matt asks, raising his hand in a way to press it against my forehead to check my temperature, actually thinking i'm ill. But i jerk my head away from his touch. "What is up with you today?"
I shake my head and sigh heavily, "I don't know...I just don't know anymore..."
There's a long silence before Matt pats my back and says, "Cheer up, bud. If you keep on sulking about random shit then we might as well go to class and forget about it...OR we can talk about you-know-what." He grins upon saying the last three words.
"What?"
"You know," He stands up, his smile broad, "The thing I talked about when we went to buy ice-cream."
Oh..
Maybe my expression showed him more than I intended cause his smile grew wider, "Yeah...'that'. You agreed to help me, remember?"
I hesitate, "I- I guess?"
"Great!" He exclaims, purposely ignoring my awkward unwillingness. "I've done quite a lot of research."
"Research?" I repeat, bewildered.
He rolls his eyes at my astonishment, "Well how are we gonna find the culprit if we have no idea where to start right?"
I nod to that, still not convinced.
"Hold on a sec." And just like that he darts off, back inside the school building.
Matt comes running back with a thick file in his hands, slamming it on the bench beside me as soon as he reaches.
"What the heck is that?" I scowl.
"My research." He replies proudly, "Go on, take a look."
Reluctantly, I open the file to reveal pages and pages, of newspapers articles about our town and pictures of victims and their lives. The important detail was pointed out at the side of each page by Matts scribbling handwriting. Written in red to make it more vibrant than it already was.
"How...How did you find out about this?" My gut wrenched to see shots of the dead people.
I've never seen them after I took them away.
I...I didnt know it could be THIS bad.
Is this what happened to Abby and Ian?
Is this-
Matt snaps his fingers in front of my eyes, "I know. Horrible isn't it?"
I manage to squeak out a yes, before whispering,
"Where did you get this pics from?"
He sits next to me, "Online."
I don't get it. I thought Gillian and his gang were extra careful about this mess.
I don't see this as being cautious at all.
What's worse is that if they find out that someone's extremely close to finding out the criminals....
I look at Matt briefly before shutting the file.
"I don't think we should do this." I say firmly.
He looks at me with disbelief, the shine in his eyes vanishing. "You're not serious right?"
"I am." I grit my teeth, "I don't want you to continue this research anymore."
But what i really wanted to say was that: I don't want you getting hurt.
He grimaces, "What? But you promised-"
"It was before i knew how dangerous this is!" I yell. "How could you even think we could pull this off?"
He scoffs, "What, you're kidding me? Of course it was dangerous and like hell you knew it was! You're just afraid now that you've seen these shots."
"And why wouldn't I be?" I clench my fists tightly on the bench, "I can't believe you'd actually put yourself in danger like this. This isn't brave, it's stupid."
I needed him to stop this. To scare him away from the danger.
Matt, red in the face with anger shouts, "And what do you know about being brave huh? You don't even have the guts to fight off William, for godsake!"
It's funny how our casual conversation escalated into an argument.
I rub hard at my face, trying to calm doing, "Ok, then give me a reason. A reason why you're so eager to solve this mess. Even when you know the authorities can handle it."
"The damn authorities don't do shit!" He hisses, "And you know it."
"If we give this file to them then maybe-"
"NO! I'm not giving this to them!" His voice thunders in the whole ground.
"Why!? Why can't you?" I retort.
"Because they didn't solve my parents' damn murder- so how will they solve this ?!" He rages.
And I'm just about to shoot back at him when i realize what he said.
"I..What?"
And then, as I look at him, he isn't the Matthew I know. He looks different.
Weak, vulnerable.
'Defeated'.
"Shit," He forces a smile, "Now you know the reason."
****************************************
I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling.
The conversation still circling around my mind.
His parents?
Matt's parents were...murdered?
He didn't say anything about how or when- but it was now very clear that why he wanted to find the criminal.
"I just want...justice for those...people." Matt had said, "I don't want the families to live in guilt that they weren't able to save their loved ones."
Deep down, it meant something else,
He wanted to do this to feel less guilty about his parents death.
"It's just me, grandma and Richie, my little brother, now." He had explained. "You asked why I live here? Well we don't have the money to shift from this hell hole."
He said it so...bluntly. Emotionlessly. And I realize how he never mentioned his parents before- he only talked about his grandma and brother- and yet i was still to oblivious to take the hint. So oblivious that now he has to state the facts to me.
"I'm sorry, Matt." I sighed, "But I still won't let you search the killer."
He looked hurt back then. But finally forced a nod.
It's for the best.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Mr. Miller stands there in front of me, tearing me away from the memory, his face pale.
"What is it?" I ask, annoyed.
I have this new contempt for him ever since that night. It made me fear him less and despise him more. Just being close to him now disgusted me.
I have given escape quite a lot of thought now. And I'm planning to run away in day or two. The only thing that's stopping me is Matt. And his...ambition.
Maybe we can escape together?
No, but he can't leave his family. Or what's left of it anyway.
"Didn't you hear me?" I snap at him, "Why are you here?"
He glares at me and my rude tone, but i don't care, not even sitting up on my bed or looking at him, instead staring at the ceiling.
"Still mad about the incident?" I could hear that smirk in his tone.
If i was able to reach out at anything around me, I would have definitely thrown it at him.
I don't reply to his smug question, which made it obvious that I did loathe him.
"Well why don't you forget about it? We're leaving this stupid place anyway."
I jolt up straight, wide eyes, "What?!"
He gives a slithering smile, "You've got only a few days to pack up. I don't want to stay any longer here."
He slammed the door shut behind him, leaving me in pure and utter shock.