Oh no. I feel really stressed out in my dream. Like seriously so.
In this dream, I'm like watching a scene in a movie. There is a wolf running in the forest. It's night and there was only the full moon lighting its path. The wolf keeps running and running... It's fur gleamed a midnight blue. Everything in the scene was a bluish hue.
And then the wolf stopped at a clearing by the lake, the full moon reflecting off the dark watery surface. The wolf stopped to drink. It's eyes reflected in the lake, an ultramarine blue, like a matching pair of lapis lazuli.
I'm still feeling really stressed out. I keep feeling something terrible is about to happen.
And then it does, a maroon and white wolf steps out from the shadows of the tree. Like a dark desaturated red against the deep grey blues around it. It's huge. It's fur plastered down wet, it's dripping... And I realize that the dark red patches are all fur drenched with blood. And it's dripping blood down its hind legs.
The blue wolf turns to face the red one.
The camera zooms in. I don't want to watch anymore. I want to close my eyes and block out the sight, because I know I don't want to see what was going to happen. But it's a dream, and my eyes are already as closed as they could get in my sleep. I can't close them more to stop seeing this.
Low growling, the wolves slink closer to each other. Now the camera goes to the blue wolf's point of view and sees the red wolf's face up close. Golden eyes.
Camera pulls back and I'm watching the two wolves again. The red wolf walks past the blue one. As it passes it straightens itself as if to prove that it is the larger wolf, then it walks right into the lake.
It is quiet. The blue wolf waits on the shore watching the water stain red and the reflection of the pale moon ripple with movement, and then the red wolf emerges, the same golden eyes, but now no longer red. White... it is white. White like the moon in the sky. Golden Eyes drag itself out of the water and shakes off a fountain of wet crystal beads into the air around it.
It is no longer bleeding. There is no sign of hurt. The lake has washed it all away.
The white wolf moves cautiously towards the blue wolf. The blue wolf stands up. They face off each other. Their stance both strong and unyielding.
Now that the fur of the white wolf is no longer wet with blood, it filled out so that the white wolf is not only taller, it is also much larger looking. He bares his teeth demanding submission.
What should the blue wolf do?
OPTION 1: BOW IN SUBMISSION
OPTION 2: FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE
OPTION 3: DO SOMETHING CRAZY
It is as if the third option was added just for me.
But I'm not happy at all. I'm really stressed out. I don't want to pick this option. I'm terrified that it's a trap, that this option would lead to something terrible.
But unlike which way books, I can't cheat and quickly scan the options to see where they would lead me. I have to choose without knowing what will happen next.
And then, it hit me like a ton of bricks, that I knew the answer, or at least I knew what the answer is not.
I don't know who the blue wolf is. Your guess would be as good as mine. But I knew Golden Eyes is my mate. So OPTION 2: FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE is out. There is no gain for me to have my mate hurt in a fight.
I mean, I might just be biased here, but my mate would probably win. He is larger and stronger. But the blue wolf is not going to lose without dealing major damage.
That left OPTION 1: BOW IN SUBMISSION
Or OPTION 3: DO SOMETHING CRAZY.
My heart wants to do the latter, just to see what would happen. But my head says to pick the former and keep things safe. Protect my mate.
I'm stressed out, so stressed out. I want to follow my heart but if I do, my mate would surely be hurt. Was hurting my mate worth the "following my heart" for? When I follow my heart, when I say "let's do something crazy" would I end up getting everyone else hurt? My mate, my parents, my pack...
I'm scared, so scared. I've lost it. I've lost all my daring. It's not fun and exciting now that it's real life and the stakes are my pack and family.
Oh wait, this is not real life, this is a dream. So technically, even OPTION 2: FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE could be considered.
Anyway, suddenly freed to choose because it's just a dream, I picked the obvious choice. I want OPTION 3: DO SOMETHING CRAZY please.
No wait, I want to pretend to pick OPTION 1: BOW IN SUBMISSION and then when he lets down his guard, switch to OPTION 2:FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE and then during the fight, OPTION 3: DO SOMETHING CRAZY.
In other words, I choose OPTION 4: ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Now the scene is still paused, as if waiting for my choice to be confirmed.
And then suddenly I changed my mind again. I'm scared again. So what if I can be such an awesome decision maker in my dreams that new options literally pop out? It's not going to help me in real life.
I need real answers, not fantasy options.
Will I spend all of my real life submitting because I'm too scared to let anyone around me get hurt?
I'll never know if the blue wolf could win in OPTION 2: FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE.
I'll never know what crazy exciting thing the blue wolf might come up with in OPTION 3: DO SOMETHING CRAZY.
If I picked the safe OPTION 1: BOW IN SUBMISSION in my real life, it would never matter what I choose in my dreams, my life would always be bowed to my fears.
And because the movie is still paused at the scene waiting for me to confirm my decision, and even though I have no idea what I would pick if in real life, and because it isn't real life but just a dream, and because I don't think I'll wake up till the movie is over, I confirmed OPTION 4: ALL OF THE ABOVE!
If I have to watch it play out, might as well pick something interesting.
Suddenly the movie started to play, and I'm drawn into the perspective of the blue wolf. I guess since I made the decision, the dream felt I should share in its consequence.
I bow my large wolf head in submission, feeling strange in it. If I thought that was it, I was wrong. My stoopid mate had to be just that dominant. He put his large paw on my head and pushed the blue wolf all the way down till the fur on my chinny chin chin was pressed flat on the ground. Stoopid mate. Stoopid dominant alpha. He continued to growl and push till the blue wolf was prone on the ground.
Time to exercise OPTION 2:FIGHT FOR DOMINANCE. I swallowed the low growling in my throat, and closed my eyes. Letting the blue wolf suffer the submission a bit. My stoopid dominant alpha mate kept his heavy paw on my head for a bit longer than necessary. Then he let go.
I waited. It had to be at the right moment. He was bigger and stronger. And it's my first time controlling a wolf body. I really hope the blue wolf would take back control and the actual fight would happen on autopilot...
The moment he turned his body to move back, I pounced. Pretty much landing on top of him. Huh, wait... No autopilot. I need to drive this thing. How do you drive a wolf?
Mate wolf rolled over, his golden eyes darkening, his growl was low and warning. His shock flickering into what? Anger, confusion...
What to do now? Oh yeah, I should bite him. Probably. I try. Blue wolf's mouth clamped down on fur... Bleh furry in my mouth. Mate wolf so fluffy, my teeth barely scrapped skin. It was all fluff. Instinctively I let go. Mate wolf rolls me off.
I get back on my feet. Okay... This is totally not going the way I imagined a wolf fight should go. When I shift into my wolf, I will have to train in my wolf form... A lot. Cos really, this is pathetic.
The only consolation is that mate wolf was no longer angry. He looked wary, but mostly confused by the blue wolf.
Should I try again? This time pounce, and bite... And bite much harder. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
I crouched down growling, ready to pounce again, but mate wolf read my intention and moved much faster. Knocking me off my feet, we rolled twice and then he bit me! Wth.
He bit me hard too. Stoopid mate. I feel the fur on my shoulder soaking with blood. He isn't letting up either. He's going for my neck next!
Panic. Stoopid mate stop! But of course he can't hear me. I struggled but I'm pinned on my back. His wolf looming over, wild and angry. His white fangs bloody.
OPTION 3: DO SOMETHING CRAZY now, because I'm not going to live any longer if I don't do anything. I'm so scared. I'm so mad. And I'm so pinned down to the ground it seriously humiliating.
So I shifted back to my human form. Just as his teeth came toward me, I shifted, freeing myself from his paws, escaping his teeth, narrowly, and rolled to the side.
I stood up. Oh, I had clothes on. It's soaked with blood on my right shoulder. I'm still wearing my pajamas... It's a soft cotton dress pajamas with blue flower prints. My mum bought for me for new years eve. My mum bought Savy and I new pajamas every year to wear on New year's Eve. So we can wake up to the new year in new clothes. She said that was what her mum used to do for her.
Mate wolf spun round, eyes still wild and angry. But he saw me and stopped. Then he shifted too.
He was crowned with dark curls, eyes still golden. He was shirtless, with only a pair of black leather pants wrapped tightly over his bottom half. What the heck is with that outfit?
Well, I was in my pajamas and blood soaked through one sleeve. It didn't hurt though. Strange, it had hurt like my shoulder was stabbed with through with a pitch fork just a minute ago... I lifted my collar gingerly to take a peek at the damage, but there was none. Not a single scratch. That was some super fast healing. Maybe we were really acting in a movie. Or it could just be because it was only a dream.
"How old are you?" He spoke first. He sounded rather angry still.
Oh wait, I was supposed to speak first. I was supposed to yell at him, give him a piece of my mind, and glare him to death for biting me... But I got distracted by our clothes (how is it we could shift back with our clothes still on? And if I am wearing exactly these pajamas in my bed right now, was he wearing those shiny black pants? O.o)
Oh, and the pain that had spearheaded my anger when he bit me was gone. I guess I'm the kind who didn't hold on to my anger... Unlike my stoopid mate, who was still glaring at me, arms crossed over his bare chest, as if I was keeping him waiting.
Oh yeah, "15." I lied. It was close enough.
"You're still a kid!" He accused.
"Yeah, well you still act like one." I shot back.
I may not be much at wolf fights, but a childish verbal sparring would be just my specialty.
He huffed and pulled back his hair in a frustrated motion, "Where are you now?"
I blinked at him, "Here, with you."
"No!" He pretty much shouted, "Where are you in real life?"
"I'm at home." I told him, I pulled at the skirt of my dress, "I'm not going outside in this... Who knows where you are." I gave his pants a pointed look. Yeah, I can be such a prude, but no respectable male would be walking in broad daylight in the kind of pants he had on. They looked like they were only meant to be worn in places I didn't meet the age requirement to enter.
Now it was his turn to blink, before realizing my meaning, "It's none of your business." He had the gall to grumble. Stooooopid mate. (Where the number of "o"s reflect the amount of stupidity.)
"Okay." He took a breath, it's as if he was having a hard time getting through to me.
Oh, I suddenly realized what he was asking, he wanted to know my location outside this dream, should I tell him? "My pack is in the green pack lands." I say at last.
He nodded, jerkily, "Stay there." He orders, "I'll come for you in a few years."
Wait what? How dare he boss me like that!
"You look like you need more help than I do," I said snarkly to him, "How about you tell me where you are, and I'll come rescue you?"
I see him blanch, "Just stay where you are till you grow up."
That's going to take me forever and a day!
"And while you're at it Princess, learn to submit properly when I see you."
He did not just say that. Except that he did. And I saw red.
"You...you dumbbell!" I yelled at his stoopid face.
He looked stunned, like he had been slapped in the face.
I don't stop there, "I'm the Alpha! You learn to submit properly when I see you!"
"You're a pup."
"I'll grow up."
"You're a girl."
"My wolf is strong."
"Your wolf can't even fight!"
"You've never even seen my wolf!"
He stopped and opened his mouth to retort, and then changed his mind and shut it again. Then he took a steadying breath as if calming himself, "You know what, forget it. I don't have time for this."
"Yeah, cos you're too busy getting your ass handed over in a bloody pulp all the damn time."
"Don't swear Princess, it's ugly."
"I haven't even started."
Everything he said just made me madder.
He was shaking his head, "Do you have to be so... So difficult?"
"I'm not being difficult. You're being a dumbbell."
"Don't call me that."
"Dumb.bell."
He is growling now. I think he might just shift in anger. That's just male wolves for you, can't win verbally, and they get physical.
But he didn't shift.
"Enough!" He was shouting. Loudly, the alpha command in his voice so strong that it physically pushed me hard enough that I had to take a step back. "Just stay where you are and wait till I get there."
I stepped forward again. Now I'm growling while I speak too, "Don't tell me what to do. Don't Alpha command me. And don't bother coming over until you learn to respect me as your equal!"
He snorted rudely, "If you want my respect Princess, you got to earn it."
"Same to you, Dumbbell." I spat back.
And then I woke up.
Why can't I be one of those people who had romantic dreams about their future mate?