I shouldn't be focused on the rain, but in this moment it calms me. How long has it been since I've felt gods tears touch my skin? The ongoing drought has lasted more years than I can remember. Water brings both sadness and renewal, like this moment. I don't remember much of this moment. I'm later told I couldn't grasp the event from shock. My body's internal defense system kicked into gear, compensating for the pain. As a side effect everything is a bit fuzzy to recall. This means my body was sending all of its resources into keeping me ready to fight or flee. There must have been a primitive time when man had to fight after injury to survive. A time before hospitals and pain medicine. A time when dinner could be you or your prey. This survival instinct kept me awake when I should have gone unconscious from the pain. I don't remember the play. I don't remember the throw that ultimately won us the game. I don't remember my bone split in two jagged fragments piercing through my skin, or the blood coloring the green turf crimson. I remember the rain. They say I was screaming. Looking into the sky screaming. Perhaps I was asking God why she's so sad?
"Rain is not from heaven, nor hell. Rain is from earth. Whether sprinkle or flood, it's blessing or curse depends on your footing. Daughters of the Rain will guide the Chosen. They are your blessing, they are your curse."
-The Lost Books, CT Scribe
" Tell me how you feel about college Tye."
"College. WellI can't believe I'm almost in college. The thought brings, anxiety." Tye, a well built tan young man of 18, shifts uncomfortably in the plush red chair. He assumed most people in therapy laid back on the couch, but he chose the chair instead.
"In your journal you wrote college brings anxiety as honey brings bears. Then you fixate on your four year dilemma.
"I don't fixate. You asked me to write so I did. I had to talk about something," he declares defensively.
"Oh I agree. And your writing is wonderful Tye. I appreciate how open you are with me. For some this level of openness is a giant obstacle. So It's great you let me into your thoughts. I can help you much better this way. However, I do think your fixating. When you write, "Four years to carve out my future. Four years to become an adult in every sense. Four long tedious boring years," you set an unhealthy timetable and outlook for yourself. You know, I read an article about a young man who finished college with a double major in two years. Don't box yourself in. If it takes you four or seven years it's fine in either case. All things have their own timing right? I'm sensing some anxiousness about college? Today I'd like to further explore those feelings. Why are you feeling so anxious Tye?"
The young man shifted uncomfortably in his too comfortable seat. Eyes downcast for a moment. He rubbed his legs together beneath the chair as he shifted slightly. After the near ritualistic movements she had learned to expect from him before he could answer her, he began his reply. "Before my injury college was all about who had the best program, ya know? Which school could get me into the NFL. I've always been destined for greatness they tell me. They told me. I know there's more important things than football, but not for me. It's always been my everything. Starting quarterback on varsity for four years had never been done back home. Everyone there thought I was amazing. They thought I was invincible. Every walk through town some old timer would brag on me, and have me sign something for when I made it big. Scouts came to every game, and made me offers each night. Win or lose the scouts didn't let up. At my size, 6'3 230 pounds as a senior, they all felt I was college ready. I'd broken enough records at Lincoln to feel accomplished. I did, I felt like I earned all of it, but I wanted more. I craved the ultimate stage of the NFL. That's where I could really be great. Scoring a touchdown on Monday Night Football was my dream since I was a kid ya know? My brothers had me playing ball out back with the neighborhood kids as early as I can remember. A touchdown was two yards over. The neighbor lady, Ms. Lacy, had this mean dog named Bear. I swear I'm so fast now from running for my life as he snapped at my legs. There was no out of bounds back then, and we always played tackle. So many good memories from those days." Tye realizing he had gotten lost in his memory looked up alarmed. The lady across from him showing no signs of frustration smiled at him to continue. "Anyways, footage from one of our backyard games went viral before I started peewee. From age 6 I've dealt with scouts. Each one selling me on their school as the best path to success. That was before the break though. I can't even walk through town anymore. The pity in the old timers eyes makes me, spiral"
"What do you remember from your accident," said the thin lady talking to him. Habitually pushing her glasses higher up on her nose, before looking him in the eyes with a nurturing smile.
"I only know what happened from the tape. I watched it with the guys once during a team film session. I heard the crack when my leg snapped. It snapped clean in two like I was some scrawny weak kid or something. Me weak! It pissed me off ya know, to see it. None of my teammates spoke during that part of our meeting. I could feel their eyes on me as I shifted uncomfortably. It took everything I had to keep my face blank. There were still tears in the corners of my eyes. After an emotional film session I asked coach for the tape. I wanted to watch it alone. I replayed that tape over and over. We were in shotgun, trips right. The defense was in zone. Tony and Ben would crisscross the field which would give me a window to hit one of them for a quick twenty yards. The ball snaps, and I drop back 4 steps. Ben slips open. I plant my leg, and release a bullet pass. Everything goes wrong from there. The crunch is so loud on the tape. The first few times I watched it my stomach flipped at the sound. I go down hard. I remember the feeling in my leg as I slipped while planting to throw. At the same time a defender dove for a sack hitting my shin with enough force to cause the break. It was raining. I can still feel the rain as I lay there waiting on the paramedics to deliver me to my football grave. A hospital with a cast, surgery, and a premature end to my season is all that waited for me after that. All I actually remember is the huddle and the rain. The entire play is a huge blank in my mind."
"So now you feel differently about college?" With piercing eyes hiding behind her thick rounded glasses the psychiatrist awaits an answer. Patiently without giving away her own opinion. Her patient Tye is struggling with this question more than the others. She writes a few words marking this as a challenging topic for him, and then returns her gaze to her patient. Gently, she nudges him forward with her gaze.
"College is different now. Academics came easy to me, but I never imagined needing them to make a living. I never imagined being tech support to the world's stage. In a way it's liberating. It's been nearly 9 months since the break. There's been so little pressure. It seems the football world still orbits without me."
"Liberating is a nice feeling. Can you tell me more about how you feel liberated," she asks.
"Initially, liberating would be my last descriptive of life. I was pissed ya know? I wrote about it in my journal a lot. Coping with my feelings of intense anger and loss wasn't easy for me. I made it fancy for you doc, but to be plain I was pissed. I was pissed at the defender. I was pissed at my line for letting him through. I was pissed at my coach for calling the play. Hell, I was pissed at my leg for being so weak. A part of me died during the break. No amount of rehab could return me to who I was. I was indestructible. I was high school's top threat. The emptiness consumed me as a black hole consumes light. Depression followed. My mom says it's a blessing in a way."
She considered her words before she spoke. "Perhaps not a blessing, but certainly not a curse. When you first came to me, we had a tough time dealing with the anger and sense of disappointment from your injury. Since then you've grown so much inside your mind Tye. I feel the confines of being the hometown sports hero stunted your emotional growth. As a person your incomplete, and football was just a crutch used to limp through life."
The words hit him hard, but he had no problem accepting them as true. A fact that he knew deep down his entire life. Hearing her say it gave Tye some peace. Julianne, the glasses wearing psychiatrist, wasn't his first shrink. She's not like the others he's seen over the different phases of his life. His parents were always concerned about the pressure he faced, and started him in the habit of seeing someone early. Julianne was special. She felt less like a shrink, and more like his big sister. Her favorite hobbies were journal writing and calling him on his shit. She didn't baby him the way everyone else did. She challenged his worldview. Occasionally this included insulting his limited highschool viewing window. Missing a year of football wouldn't be the end, but facing injury Tye wanted to quit for good. It took a long while to realize that wasn't him. At some point a black hole grew inside of him. A creation of the break, he experienced it more than physically. More than his leg broke on that day of rain. Even though Julianne is right about missing a year, a season, not ruining his football career, he decided to take his academics more seriously. There could always be another break, a worse break. Tye realized he needed to be prepared the next time. He needed to be prepared for college with or without football.