~Devanté POV~
I ripped apart my flat looking for enough cash to satisfy Luca. Usually I enjoy keeping my space tidy, being clean is something I take pride in, it's also one of the only things in my life I feel like I'm good at keeping under control, but right then, as panic slowly started to rise and dread began to set in, I didn't care at all about how much of a mess I was making. I had already looked in all of my old hiding spots I had previously used to keep money in, and found nothing. So I threw clothes around, pushed furniture aside, and rummaged through every cabinet looking for any cash I might have forgotten I had hidden somewhere. I was really glad Faith wasn't around to remind me how much of an idiot I was for getting myself into this mess in the first place. I just knew she would have lectured me non stop about living honourably and it would have undoubtedly sent me over the edge. After an hour of searching every inch of my flat I hadn't made up even half of the money I owed. My mind started to race with every possible way Luca could try to kill me, I envisioned every horrifying way it could have possibly went down. Maybe I'd get lucky and I'd be gone before I felt any real pain. I figured he would more than likely beat me to death with his bare hands, that seemed more like Luca's style, but the idea of that scared the shit out of me. In a strange attempt at self-soothing, I tried telling myself death can't be all that bad, since I figured it can't possibly be worse than life, but my efforts failed. Having to think of how it might happen made my heart pound to an almost violent degree, to the point where I could hear it ringing in my ears. All those morbid thoughts sapped the energy out of my body. I placed my back to my bedroom wall and slid down till I hit the floor, sitting in a pool of my own dread. The worst part about it was that this whole thing was entirely my fault. No, the worst part about it was that Faith would be alone.
Just as I had began to accept my fate I heard someone banging on my door and my heart stopped. I knew it couldn't be Faith since she was working all day. The realisation that it had to have been Luca was enough to snap me out of my pity party. I quickly got up to my feet and paced around my room trying to think of how I was going to get out of this. I couldn't face Luca, I obviously didn't have close to enough money and I already knew he would kill me immediately, no ifs ands or buts. The only option I had left was to escape, but I couldn't go out the front door where Luca was. I stuck my head out my bedroom window and looked down at the pavement seven stories below, it was so far away the pedestrians looked like ants. I wasn't particularly fond of heights but I was less fond of getting killed. I spotted a small landing a few metres below and my stomach turned with the acceptance of what I had to do next. I figured getting it over with quickly was the best idea, so with shaky hands, I grabbed all the money I had managed to find, closed my eyes, and quickly jumped out of my bedroom window. I landed on both feet on the fire escape and bolted down the rickety metal steps onto the pavement below. My heart beat uncontrollably with every step as the staircase shook with instability.
I sprinted down the street with absolutely no idea of where to go, the only thing I knew was that I wanted to be far away from here. As I ran, I began to seriously regret not bringing my digital shades, I even debated going back for it but it was just too risky. After what felt like hours of running, I had gotten about a few kilometres away from my flat. The adrenaline that once pulsated through my body, wore off the further away I ran from my problems, my chest began to burn and my legs were getting heavy with each step. Despite my brain begging my body to keep going in case Luca wasn't far behind, every cell in me was screaming for me to stop. Eventually, I slowed to a halt and placed my hands on my knees, gasping for air. I tried to convince myself to keep going but I knew I had reached my limit.
I threw my old, grimy trainers off and sat down on the dirty pavement trying to think of a solution. I thought of going back home and accepting my consequences, but the thought of facing Luca sent a shiver down my spine. I thought of running to a new city and starting over but I knew I didn't have enough money to uproot my entire life and move somewhere else to avoid Luca. Looking at the bruising on my feet, I clearly didn't even have enough money for a car or even a bike to get away from him, forget a security deposit on a flat. The more I thought about it the worse I felt for ruining everything for Faith. There was no way she would be safe staying in that flat now. Life is already difficult enough for her being Class One, now I've practically made her homeless.
My mind descended into darkness as guilt enveloped me, the quietness of the outside world only made it easier for my thoughts to consume me. Moments like these are when I truly feel the absence of my digital shades, and right then the pain of missing it was almost as bad as the guilt. Not being able to stand being in my own head anymore, I got up off the pavement and started pacing back and forth, hoping that would clear the darkness. I picked my head up trying to focus on anything other than myself, I watched people walk by silently and wondered how different their lives were from mine, I figured they probably didn't have to wonder where they'd sleep tonight. It was almost comical how quickly my train of thought delved into comparison and self deprecation only seconds after trying to make myself feel better. Instead I tried focusing on inanimate objects, fire hydrants, street lights, random buildings, whatever took my mind off of it. I spotted a tube station in the distance and snapped back to reality, reminding myself I might still be in imminent danger, so I quickly put my trainers back on and headed straight for station, running as fast as a I could, despite not having regained the energy to do so.
I pushed past crowds of people gathered around the outside of the entrance, In the process I accidently shoved a man to the ground, I wanted to turn around and apologise, and I could see he wanted to turn around and cuss me out, but none of us would think to speak in public, so I continued sprinting for the tube, only slowing down to tap my oyster card. Yes I paid for the tube, I might sell drugs but I'm not a criminal. I jumped onto the first tube I saw and didn't bother to check where it was headed. I didn't care as long as it was far away from Luca.
I let out a sigh of relief, finally feeling slightly safer with every second I travelled further away from my troubles. As my mind eased, I wondered how I didn't immediately think to take a train. Over the past few years, I had learned that once I delve into the darkest pits of my mind, and an overwhelming mixture of sadness and anger streams out of my pores like waves, I lose the ability to think straight. Another thing I realised is that I seemed to be either sad or angry almost all the time.
The entire carriage was dead silent, I looked around and saw that everyone had on their digital shades - every pair was made of thin, clear glass with a coloured rim that most people customised, mine were yellow. I couldn't remember the last time I stepped on a train without my digital shades, the journeys were always so monotonous. Without a distraction I couldn't stop my mind from drumming up every mistake I'd ever made. I looked at my reflection in the train doors, my hair was a mess, sweat covered my forehead, my shoes were dirty, and my eyes looked soulless. My heart sank, heavy with the weight of all the pain I had been carrying through all these years. I wondered if things would have been different if I were different, if someone else were dealt my cards would they have managed to avoid making such a fucking mess of this life like I have.
------------------------- 10 Years Prior--------------------------
At the beginning of my first school year at Crestview Academy, I made sure to show up to my first class 30 minutes early to pick a seat right at the front. Throughout my childhood, I had really excelled academically, specifically in maths and science. For years I had been way ahead of the rest of my year group and had won more trophies in nation wide algebra competitions than I could count. My whole life my teachers had thrown around the word 'prodigy' before I even knew what it meant. Being accepted to Crestview was an insanely huge deal for me as it was almost exclusively for Class Three students, on top of that I was placed into top set for every subject. When my dad heard the news of my acceptance, he didn't stop crying tears of joy for weeks. He went around telling everyone I would be the reason we were advanced into Class Three.
I raced to my class to find I was the first one there, even the teacher hadn't showed up yet. Compared to my primary school, that place was heaven. Every textbook was in tact and brand new, every glue stick and marker had their lids on them, and the interactive whiteboard wasn't broken. To someone like me, it was magical. I chose a seat right in the middle of the front row and excitedly waited for the rest of my class to show up. Slowly kids started to pile in wearing well pressed, fitted uniforms. My dad couldn't afford to buy me a new uniform so I bought a second hand one that happened to be a little more distressed than I'd hoped for, and far to big for me. I got up to say hello to the group of kids that had just walked in, I was nervous so I decided to approach a boy, who I later found out was named Judas, that looked to be the least intimidating, he had pale skin and blonde hair, and seemed to be the class clown as he had everyone else in the circle cracking up at his jokes.
I walked up to the group and stood opposite Judas, finally I said
"Hi, I'm Devanté" trying to sound as confident and cheerful as possible.
Judas stopped smiling, looked me up and down and snapped "Get lost peasant"
The rest of the group turned to face me, just like Judas their smiles disappeared from their faces as quickly as a disgusted frown took its place. I stood frozen and silent, still trying to process what had just happened and why. Almost immediately the group moved away from me to another corner of the room and continued laughing and joking around, as if it never happened.
I was struck with how easily he said it, and how quickly they all moved on, like it barely took any of their energy to let me know I was beneath them. Eventually I managed to make my way back to my seat where I sat in silence, not making eye contact with anyone until class started.
Eventually our English teacher for the year, Miss Bright walked into the class and stood right at the front. She wore an orange dress and a sunny smile on her face, she exuded warmth and seemed like the type of person anyone would like. She quickly asked everybody to sit down and introduce themselves one by one to the class starting from the back. She smiled at everybody as they said their name and welcomed them to her class in the sweetest voice. My spirits were lifted watching her speak so kindly to the class, I almost forgot about the incident with the Judas, I figured if I couldn't make friends with anyone of my classmates, Miss Bright would at least make me feel like I belonged there. After a few minutes, we got to the front row and it was now my turn to introduce myself.
I smiled widely and once again said "Hi, I'm Devanté" as cheerfully as I could.
Suddenly Miss Bright's smile disappeared from her face and she wore that same disgusted expression I saw earlier on the faces of my classmates. My heart sank again as silence filled the air where Miss Bright should have been welcoming me to her class like she did everyone else. She grabbed my old, tattered school bag and walked to the back of the class, I turned around and watched her in confusion not knowing what she was planning.
She placed my bag onto a desk at the back of the class, looked me dead in the eye and said "Perhaps you would be more comfortable back here". She forced a smile but her sweet tone of voice had vanished and her eyes still stared at me in disgust.
My jaw dropped in horror over what had just happened, and again I was frozen in place. I heard Judas and his friends snickering and turned to see them pointing at me. I looked back over at Miss Bright waiting for me to move, her expression remaining unchanged. Finally I got up and walked to the back of the class, my hands were shaking with embarrassment and my knees almost buckled a few times on my way to my new desk. Once I sat down, Miss Bright floated back to the front of the class and her sunny smile and sweet tone returned as she addressed the rest of the class. She continued on with her lesson for the next hour never once looking in my direction. I sat quietly for the rest of the class, the rest of the year, and years to come, never truly getting over the humiliation.
To this day I wondered how Miss Bright and my classmates could have possibly known within seconds of looking at me that I wasn't one of them, that I was of lower class. It was then that I began to realise. Class wasn't something that I could hide, they could see it in my clothes, in my eyes, in my skin, in my mannerisms, maybe they could sense it in my aura or even my scent, it was ever-present and everlasting whether I liked it or not, and there would never be anything I could do to hide it. No matter how hard I try to assimilate they would always see me as inferior to them.
I had heard about it before, the idea that those of higher class would look down upon someone of low class, but that was all I thought it was - an idea. As I grew up around people of the same class, It was never something I had seen, so I couldn't even imagine it to be real. Although I wonder if before that point I had seen it, but just ignored it. I watched the news as they would report on all new places in the area that had raised their Divine Limit, I watched my father force himself to work a job he was too smart for because that was all he could get as a Class Two citizen. I watched the funding of my primary school get cut year after year because a Class Two school wasn't important to the rest of society, yet I still wouldn't believe it, because it hurts to grow up knowing others see you as inferior and it was easier just to pretend it wasn't happening. So when it finally happened to me, despite everything I knew about the world, it still somehow came as a horrific surprise.
--------‐------------------ 6 Years Ago -------------------------
I had been at Crestview for 4 years and almost nothing had changed since my very first day. I sat at the back of every one of my classes and never spoke a single word to anyone for 4 years straight. Despite knowing all the answers I hardly ever rose my hand either, I refused to allow my intelligence to be undermined by some Class Three teacher that just couldn't fathom the idea of a Class Two student being smart; or even worse, being accused of cheating because my inferior brain couldn't have possibly come up with that answer. The only time I would show off my intelligence was during exam season. As a year 7 student, I made the mistake of writing my real name and Class status on all of my exams like we're required to do. Although I had known for a fact that I had gotten perfect marks, my tests would always come back with an E grade or less. Once I started conveniently forgetting to write my name and Class status on my paper, my exams always came back with the perfect mark I knew I deserved. I was always at the top of every one of my classes year after year but despite this, my teachers would always find a way to tell my dad on parents evening that I was "Smart... for Class Two".
It felt as if my own Class status was my glass ceiling that I would never be able to break. I often wonder how differently my life would have been had I been a Class Three student at that school, maybe they would have entered me in competitions, written articles about my achievements in the school newsletter, maybe they would have helped me get into Oxford or Cambridge, I could have been something more than a low life drug dealer. I try not to be bitter and think of the 'What if', although I usually fail miserably. Picturing all the wasted potential and possibilities is like injecting the poison I sell directly into your own veins, it doesn't do you any good. Yet somehow I can't stop.
--------------------------Present Day---------------------------
The tube stopped with a jolt, interrupting my trip down trauma lane. I looked up to see we were at Oxford street and thought it was the perfect place to be if I wanted to avoid Luca. Oxford street was always filled to the brim with people, so it would be impossible for Luca to spot me in the middle of the crowds. Besides, the best place to hide is in plain sight. So I jumped off the tube, tapped out, walked up the train station steps, and exited into a swarm of silent people.
I walked down the street through the heavy wind for half an hour looking for any shop that didn't have a Divine Limit of Class Three. I spotted a Rolex boutique displaying hundreds of stunning designer watches on a window. Some were simple yet elegant, while some were encrusted with diamonds that shone so brightly they were almost blinding . I badly wanted to step in and try on everything they had, but for people like me, a Rolex is just something you see online. I had no choice but to watch as people wearing fancy clothing flashed their ID's that almost certainly showed they were of higher class, and waltzed right into the boutique. More times than not, those same people would make sure to stop and sneer condescendingly at me on the way in. As time dragged on my anger only increased. After walking back and forth down Oxford street for hours I still couldn't find any place that accepted a Class Two citizen. The humiliation that came with getting consistently turned away at the door drove me insane. My anger couldn't have been any more palpable in that moment, what made any of these people better than me? They think just because they have money they can treat me like I'm lesser than them simply because I don't have any myself, that I'm not even deserving of seeing a fucking Rolex in the flesh.
I turned away from the boutique to continue my search for any place that would accept Class Two, I walked through the silent crowd for a few minutes with my head down still sour from the rejection. Finally I look up and stop dead in my tracks. I spot a mountain of a man, with his head towering way over the rest of the crowd, wearing his usual tracksuit and puffer jacket. I felt my heart begin to pound out of my chest. How could it be Luca? What are the chances we would both end up here? Did he know I would be here? I quickly put my head down again hoping he hadn't spotted me yet, I figured now wasn't the time for questions and I quickly turned back around trying to find anywhere to hide. I began to breathe heavily as a wave of panic crashed over me. I slipped into a side street and hid behind a wall, staying completely still for a little while, not daring to bring any attention to myself in the silent street by stomping my feet or even breathing too loudly. After what felt like an eternity, I slowly stuck my head out into the main street to see if Luca was still around. Not only was he still there, this time I clocked that he was with two members of his crew. Two heavy set, burly looking men. My panic sky rocketed once more and I stood frozen in place, unable to look away, as images of Luca and his crew killing me with no hesitation filled my mind.
Luca suddenly turned his head towards my direction. Without a second thought I whipped my head back behind the wall, so my entire body was firmly out of view of Luca. Did he see me when he turned his head? Sweat began to drip down my face as my mind raced back and forth, between two contrasting ideas. A) Luca saw me and was heading in my direction this very moment to end my life, or B) my judgement was clouded by fear and there was no possible way he could have seen me from so far away through a sea of people. Despite the unlikeliness of scenario B, I was too paranoid to leave things to chance. So I mustered up the courage once more and slowly moved my head out into the main street. To my horror Luca and his friends were not casually perusing Oxford Street like logic said they would be, they were looking me right in the eye, marching their way towards me with looks of pure anger plastered onto their cold faces.
My brain shut down in complete panic, and I spent a few long moments still entirely frozen in place. Finally the adrenaline kicked in and I took off running down the side street zigzagging through numerous alleyways, weaving around building after building. I spent a good few minutes focusing on nothing but making my feet move, not stopping for a second in case they were right behind me, I hadn't even noticed that raindrops began to fall from the sky, accompanied by a heavy wind. I had no clue of where I was headed but I kept sprinting nonetheless. Eventually I slowed to a stop after what felt like another lifetime of running; panting heavily and gasping for air for the second time that day. The rain was thundering down at this point, drenching my hair and clothes. I took in my surroundings and realised I had ran all the way to Bond Street without stopping. I scanned the road I had just come from and saw no sign of Luca and his two butch friends, so I let my guard down slightly. I'm no track star so all the running throughout the day had made my legs painfully sore. I sat down on the wet concrete, taking in the fact that I had outrun Luca once again. I wondered if I was going to have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, my head burned at the thought of it. The familiar feeling of disappointment in myself returned just as strong as ever, I never thought I would find myself sitting on a dirty concrete floor in pouring rain, outrunning a bunch of drug dealers.
In an instant, the panic set back in as my ears pricked up at the sound of very faint footsteps nearby. The heavy rain made it hard to hear much of anything, even footsteps. So if I were hearing them then they must be very close. I jumped to my feet and bolted down the street, shaking off any exhaustion with a new wave of adrenaline. But I knew my efforts were hopeless. The sound of footsteps grew louder, clearer, and closer, yet I kept running. Faster than I've ever ran, it felt as if I was outrunning the wind, but It still wasn't enough. I looked desperately for another side street to escape into, at this point I could feel Luca's presence just mere metres behind me. I glanced back and saw them, Luca ahead of the pack baring his teeth, and his friends close behind him with their fists clenched. I finally spotted an alley way and ran straight for it, trying desperately to increase my pace so I could lose Luca again. I sped into the alley way to discover a terrifying site.
A dead end.
My hear dropped as I reached the end of the alley way. I looked back to see Luca quickly catching up. With nowhere to run, it began to dawn on me that this was it, Luca would kill me and this was where it ends. All of a sudden, everything around me stood still, it was as if the rain stopped and the wind halted to pay its respects in my final moments, the only thing that didn't stop was Luca. I watched hopelessly as he ran towards me, his face burning red with anger. I thought of my life, every second from beginning to end, and every direction in which my life could have gone. I realised in that moment that the hope deep within me for something more hadn't died. I didn't want this life that I was living, I wanted freedom, I wanted happiness, I wanted to be an equal. I wanted more, so much more. But it was too late.
It all happened at once, Luca raised his fist as his crew came in to view running towards me from the end of the alley. I barely had enough time to close my eyes as his fist landed hard on my nose. I instantly buckled and fell backwards into a wall. I felt an explosion of pain travel through my face and my mouth became wet with a metallic taste. Blood dripped down onto my clothes, soaking my old jumper, turning its white colour to a bright red at a rapid pace. I looked up at Luca and saw his fist raised again. I didn't bother fighting back as Luca's friends were coming closer into view, and within a few seconds I would be completely outnumbered. Luca landed a gut wrenching punch to my abdomen and I fell to the ground. Luca's friends had finally arrived and all three of them immediately began kicking me repeatedly in any place they could reach, with all the force they could muster. I could tell that not being able to voice their anger was not doing me any favours, it felt as if they powered everything they couldn't say to me into those kicks. Even somebody like Luca would never dare to speak in public; that was one of noble laws no one would dream of breaking, since the punishment was so severe, more severe, than life in prison or death. As they continued their vicious attack, the pain became unimaginable, at this point my ears were ringing and my vision grew blurrier. I focused all of my attention on the rain falling from the grey sky. It began to form pools all around me, I heard its tiny droplets clear as day.
Suddenly I felt the most refreshing breeze simultaneously pass through me with every kick, it was the most euphoric sensation, only beaten by my digital shades. I imagined I was minutes away from death yet I had never felt more alive. It was as if all the pain I had ever felt in this life lifted off of my shoulders, and with it went my hope for more from this world.
I had often wondered what it would feel like to die, to sense the soul being stripped away from you and the lights going out of your eyes. I imagined it would be agonising, the pain of your life being taken, and the fear of not knowing what comes next. Strangely, when that moment finally came for me I felt nothing but an overwhelming calm wash over me. I felt my face break into a smile of tranquillity, I caught Luca's eye and he wore an expression of anger and confusion. He kicked harder trying to wipe my smile off of my face but it wouldn't work. Saying goodbye to this life and knowing all of my troubles would be over soon felt right, like it was meant to be.
Until it wasn't.
I heard a voice rip through the air. The shock of hearing a voice outside for the first time in years stopped my heart in its tracks. A sharp pain shot through my chest as I had gasped so deeply in surprise it hurt my suspected fractured ribs. Hearing a voice meant one of two things, either a noble or a police officer was close by, I figured the chances of seeing a noble in the flesh was slim so I decided it must have been a police officer. I watched as Luca and his friends immediately stopped attacking me and quickly whipped their heads backwards towards the voice, but I was too delirious to decipher what it said. In no time, Luca's friends were off, sprinting as fast as they could in the only direction out of the dead end alley, the only issue was the fact that the officer was in their way. Using the strength of their numbers, two of them wrestled with the officer and pushed him to the ground, he hit the concrete hard on his back and let out a pained yell. Meanwhile, Luca was pulling all of the money I had out of my pockets, dropping my ID card onto the floor next to me. Every part of me ached to my bones and I was powerless to stop him. As much as it hurt watching Luca take what was basically my entire life savings, my body hurt more and I was in no shape to fight him for it. Luca then ran after his friends out of the alley way, jumping right over the officer on the ground.
After a minute, the cop slowly got to his feet, grunting, swearing and holding his back the whole way up. I remained on the grimy, wet concrete floor, blood still dripping from my nose into my mouth, with my entire body feeling bruised and broken, my eyelids could barely stay open, and every blink felt like it required my entire life force. The officer hastily made his way to me, stumbling here and there due to his back injury.
He dropped to his knees in front of me, and asked "Are you hurt?" with a slight tremble in his voice, despite his face giving away none of his emotion.
I tried to reply but my mouth was so full of blood I barely managed a quiet gargle. Taking my silence as a yes, he lifted up my jumper and presumably came to witness the large amounts of black and purple bruising spread across my entire abdomen. The officer's face wore a look of horror for a split second before quickly returning to his poker face. If he were panicked he hid it well, without stopping for a second he picked up his radio and called for an ambulance. He looked like an older man, and his eyes had a steely look that suggested he had seen beaten and bloodied people more times than he could count.
He spoke with a steady, calm voice "I need an ambulance on Bond street, I have a severely injured male in his early 20's, he's- "
Suddenly he stopped speaking and slowly put his radio down. His eyes were focused on something on the ground right beside me. The officers stone cold face broke out into a smile and he began laughing loudly and uncontrollably. He grabbed my ID card and put his radio back up to his face.
"Never mind, sorry for wasting your time, this guy's Class two"
Without another glance at me, the officer shakily got up to his feet, dropped my ID card back down onto the dirty ground and slowly stumbled away towards the entrance of the alley way. I lifted my head up and spat a mouthful of blood out onto the floor next to me. Readying myself to call out to the officer, but a thought popped up in my head that stopped me in my tracks. He would definitely try to arrest me if I spoke in public without a good reason; and to him, my death would certainly not be a good enough reason.
So I placed my head back down onto the concrete and watched him walk out of view from the corner of my eye.
Despite everything I had gone through in the past, I was in complete disbelief. I kept watching the cop as he walked away without turning back. It was as if he didn't give my life a second thought, like throwing it away was the easiest thing in the world for him, like he wouldn't even think twice about me come nightfall.
I wondered how after 21 years on this earth, I could still be shocked by the cruelty of the Divine Hierarchy. People like me were born to be thrown by the wayside, to be kicked down, stepped over, and left for dead by people like him. I began to chuckle to myself over my naivety. In a way it was almost comical how badly 'Dishonourables' are treated. If someone could have seen me in that moment they would have thought I was a insane, blood gushing from my nose, bruises all over my body, and laughing like a madman.
Seconds before Luca attacked me, I felt this rush for something more from my life, but the instant I realised my life could actually be over, I felt like leaving it all behind would be easier. For years I wondered if it was just me, I wondered if my life was shitty because I was just a fuck up. But it goes way beyond that and I've always known the true reason, it's the same reason I fight with Faith everyday. The Divine Hierarchy.
Why resist the horrors of this world any longer, I will never win against the Divine Hierarchy, so why try anymore. I had been a hypocrite trying to break it to Faith that the Divine Hierarchy wasn't made for people like us to have a future, when deep down I had hoped for one anyway. It was almost embarrassing to think that despite everything I knew about the Divine Hierarchy, I had deluded myself into thinking my life had value in this world, like I could ever even dream of being more. In a strange way, I was almost grateful that the officer reminded me of that.
So I closed my eyes, waiting for the end to come.