"Hey, Hannee, please submit us via email all the stats of your team today, including the sales that we got and also the customer's satisfactory survey. We need to analyze it later for incentives and plans for the next shift."
"Yes sir."
That's one of the managers in the call center that I am working at, Mr. Marc Smith. I was a team leader of our team and I always report and submit everything before going home even if the shift had been finished. I'd been working hard since a year ago that I was promoted. I didn't know back then that it's very hard working in a team-based environment. Especially if you are an introvert like me. Constant taking calls with no break. Sometimes even overtime is needed due to the volume of calls.
It is a constant stress for me and I won't lie if I tell you that I am feeling helpless. I want a way out but I don't know-how. I did try it one time and making my own contents and submitting it through magazines, but it was all rejected. Sometimes I think of myself as a useless person. I dream of being a writer and yet, all my works have never even seen the light of the day.
I felt like I am being drained out of life not being able to do the things I loved. I forgot the last time I used MSSWORD rather than the spreadsheet and google docs. I forgot the last time I updated my story in the Wattpad. I forgot how it feels like to have a constant scenario popping up in my head whenever I write. I forgot the constant checking of grammar using Grammarly. The constant stress of staring into a blank space and the happiness I get after my works had been published.
I used to be a writer, a fiction writer in my college magazine, but now I am nothing but another team leader trying to meet up the constant demand in my workplace, and answering calls from customers who had nothing to do other than blaming me of their misfortunes just because I represent the company. I have nothing but to force myself to listen to them because the customer is always right.
Right now, I felt like all this burning desire I had since then had been put to waste just because I know I am going to starve have my priority and debts to pay that I just can't simply wait for another magazine to accept my work. I just don't have anything to put my ideas into because as much as I'd love. Right now, my job is my focus.
"Hi sir, I just submitted all the necessary information you asked for."
I said talking to Mr. Smith again via the telephone we had at our working station.
"Okay, I'll go ahead and check on it."
He said before hanging up the phone. I stood up and stretch my arms for the long day ahead of me.
It's just Wednesday and yet I can't wait for my day off to come so I can enjoy and take my mind out of my job momentarily.
I walk through the sidewalk going to a taxi when I suddenly saw two lovebirds from my department kissing on a bench near our company. I thought to myself of how long has it been since I had a relationship. Well... it's been almost 3 years.
I smiled at the backseat of the taxi remembering how my first relationship went down the drain because of my first love. If you think it's a nasty break up well, it's a quiet opposite and an interesting one.
7 YEARS AGO
Exactly 7 years ago, I was just a girly girl not yet to experience the young adult life problems and crisis. The 15-year-old to be exact. Like almost all the girls my age, I am also hungry for first romance. The feeling of being giddy and being inspired to go to school because you'll be seeing them. The feeling of your heart going wild after being close to them. Even finding ways just to see them even if it's from afar. I am not sure how this is all happened but I was in my first year when I experienced what they called "First Love".
"Hey!!! I'd been talking to you Hannee. Why are you smiling right now? You look like you had gone crazy. Have you eaten lunch yet?", says Mika, one of my friends.
"What are you thinking right now? You are really creeping me out!"
Mika shouted while shaking me up and taking me from my dreamland.
"I am sorry but what was that again?"
I asked her and she just wrinkled her eyebrows at me.
"I said let's go to the cafeteria, they are selling cassava cake there and Leche flan. Let's have some snacks!"
Mika exclaimed. I smiled at her as she pulled me away from our classroom.
"Don't you think Ms. Caterpillar has a relationship with Mr. Madrigal?"
Mika blabs about the ongoing rumors about our teacher Ms. Sanchez, or so we called Ms. Caterpillar as she had an accident while ago with caterpillars on her uniform and she having rashes that she had to cancel her class which we rejoiced, and to one of our replacement teacher which I find really absurd.
"Lol. How can they? Ms. Caterpillar is way older than him."
I answered back.
"Hmm, we will never know. Love never chooses whatever age you have, so long as you're in love." Mika answered back with a smile plastered on her face and with matching dreamy eyes.
I smile at the thought of it. I find it really agreeable because we never really choose what kind of person we will fall into. It's not their fault if they fall from each other anyway, and they should not care about what people think about them.
"OMG!!!!"
Mika nearly shouted with a very shocked face and I was momentarily been pushed back from my dreamland once again and into reality. I looked into who she is pointing fingers and my heart suddenly feel aches all over my chest.
Christopher, which is my long time crush, was making out with Loraine. One of the popular girls at school and my classmate. I don't know when did the tears start to fall but before Mika could notice, I ran straight into the nearest bathroom.
I had always been known that it was just a one-sided crush but I never really thought it would end soon.
I suddenly felt a sharp pain stabbing in my heart again. I stared in the mirror for quite sometime rethinking how my situation would be different if only I hold back a little while and not pushed myself. Now the long time crush had been crashing my heart as well.
I suddenly heard the bathroom door opens and behold, Loraine was there with her lipstick all over her face. She smiled and asked me why I am crying.
"I am practicing for our theater drama and I was just carried out by my emotions."
I said not being able to look at her.
"Hmm, I see... you are one of the best performers in our batch. I wish you could be an actress someday."
She said before leaving the bathroom. I whispered to myself, "If only I was half as pretty as you, I already did, but since I am just a potato, people like me will fit more into a comedy category rather than a romantic one."
Nonetheless, to say, my heart was broken because of that though I was never really vocal about it.
Though I tried for Christopher, he wasn't really my first love but his best friend, Andrew.
I was one of the contestants on a Miss Intrams that was held in our school. What started as a joke was taken seriously by my family. They know that I had been bullied because of how I look and what type of skin color I had. They want the school to know that I can be beautiful and join beauty pageants despite the beauty stereotype surrounding me.
Andrew was assigned to be my partner. We became close and I develop some feelings for him despite doing everything I could to resist it. He was in a relationship with a middle schooler and I just watched them together so close yet so far away from me.
At first, he never knew of my feelings. It wasn't until the night after Intrams day that I decided to confess the next day.
I'd been writing countless love letters to tell him how I feel and listening to "Out of the Blue" by Marvin Learns to Sing, one of my favorite classic ballads. I'd been looking over my windows with the moon shining above and thinking of what things I want him to know but nothing has yet come into my mind.
I was nervous because I know that he would reject me, but I wanted to be brave enough to show him that I feel and still feel some special things for him, and I would gladly accept even if he doesn't feel that way.
On that day, I brought a rose from the bouquet I received for the pageant yesterday. I had been repressing my feelings up to this point.
When I arrived at the classroom, I found him smiling and talking to our classmates. I step forward to give him the rose but Reema, his best friend, already pulled him into a dance. I watched as the two of them laugh and enjoy the flow of music while being flirty with each other. They embarrassed each other that I step back and just turned around before Kenneth took my rose and put it in his mouth. Dancing in front of me, I stared at him for a moment before walking away.
I cleared up my mind from what I saw and I know I started to feel jealous with my crisp on best friend. I feel like there were more to their relationship than being friends.
When I went back to the classroom l, everyone was talking about the scene that had happened. Reema kissed Andrew with the rose Kenneth took away from me a while ago. I was shaking.
They may think it was just for fun but for a person like me, I was deeply hurt. That rose was supposed to be used for my confession. Now I don't think it will be anymore.
I cried my eyes out at the library. I never felt so betrayed in my whole life just a mere fact of rose. Then I remember the first time someone ever holds my waist. The time when we had our dance practice in a gym studio, the time he gave me his umbrella when it was raining and he has to run back just to catch a motorcycle, the time when he cheered me up when bullies came up to me and insult my appearance (including my co-contestant), all those times I realized that every moment with him had been magical.
I never felt so safe in someone's arms even if all of those things I'd done were all my first time. I decided not to give up. Not yet. Call me delusional I don't care but I just don't wanna end the fuzzy feelings that I feel whenever I am around him.
So even if I know I will end up getting hurt. I just go with the flow and enjoy the feeling.
My secrets were finally out though. When we were preparing for science presentation and sadly he was one of my groupmates, he got so curious as to why Belle didn't want him to look upon the last page of my notebook. He eventually snatches it away and found my notes there. I was so embarrassed that he had to find it that way. He may think it's just funny at the same time because he totally was a heartthrob at school but I know the moment it happened that I can no longer be a friend on his eyes.
I went to skip class because of my embarrassment. The next day, the whole school had been teasing me and it's spread like a wildfire that we had been awkward to each other ever since.
Luckily, there was a school competition for street dance. I went to join it because I wanna get him out of my mind. I don't wanna see him and I wanna move on. The good thing about it is that we were actually exempted from a class in the whole month of August up until September 2. I was so happy that I did well on the audition itself and got accepted.
We continue to practice for straight two weeks, fully sponsored by our provincial government when I heard the bad news. He came to join the band for street dance. He was a drummer and we will be seeing each other every once in a while.
I curse myself so hard that If I ever went back then, I guess studying isn't that bad at all. However, I also love the experience I got from that. I felt so happy and practicing the dance till 3 am in the morning. I also had fun seeing him in the corner of my eyes drumming and even exchange a glance with him every other time.
I thought to myself, maybe having a crush ain't that bad.
'He may not notice me today, but soon he will see and maybee he will consider my feelings for him.'