Hello again, to those still here. I'm back. Turns out this won't be forgotten.
Maybe it will. I don't know.
I came here because I was reminiscing about an old friend. Anime tends to bring up childhood friends. Her name was Alayna.
We were friends from preschool to first grade. I've told so many stories over the years I've tainted my memory of what happened the day she announced to the class she was leaving. All I remember distinctly is hugging her tightly, and crying.
I've told myself so much that she would come back that I've altered the memory of her telling me so. I know it's altered because I know such a promise wouldn't have been made. We all knew that she wasn't coming back.
Since then I've found it hard to cry. I don't feel human. Sob stories and moments of sadness in media, movies, books, anime; nothing has made me cry.
And yet, at the most random moments I suddenly cry. I don't feel sad. My eyes just tear up and flow.
I feel like a machine, just rusting with time.
Lately I've used games to explore myself. I tried healer; be the savior, save the team. Then I got afraid of the stress of being a healer, everyone is dying and only I could help, but not everyone was saved.
I then became a tank, just hacking away at things because it was so simple. My only worry was just pointing and hitting the target. It carried to other games and I would be easily beaten by faster characters.
Now I just stick to beginner characters because they're balanced. Nothing special for the sake of simplicity.
I call myself Rin now, online. My name here on Webnovel used to be Atlas_Mishidozi. As of right now, at the time of writing, it is Mishidozi_Rin.
As per usual I have a hard time staying with one name, one identity. It hasn't gone unnoticed but I've yet to understand why. Maybe it's because I've fantasized about running away from home, or committing some crime and have to evade authority.
My destination would always be Japan. While it may be influenced by anime, I've found the place beautiful (for the most part) and the culture interesting. Perhaps my lack of motivation to speak would make an interesting dynamic for the language barrier.
I've recently become more invested in game development. Not coding, but story concepts and game ideas. I still haven't learned a coding language, but I haven't been looking for courses either.
In my research, I've further developed my interest in mental illnesses, but also suicide. Books and media romanticizing suicide have caused spikes in suicides of their demographics, specifically in those who suffer from depression and/or have thoughts of suicide or self harm.
The Sun is rising. I should sleep. I hope that I don't feel sad enough to write here again. I'm just delaying the inevitable.