August / 21 / 17: 05. DHIFAL
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A solivagant is a solitary wanderer. A person who revels in the act of wandering alone
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"ما زلت أسوق نفسي إلى الله وهي تبكي ، حتى سقتها وهي تضحك. ۔"
" I continued dragging my soul to Allah whilst it cried, until it finally surrendered itself and came with me to Allah smiling.."
. . .
August / 21 / 17: 05. DHIFAL
"Everything's gonna be alright Manha , Its gonna be a good life" Dr Futhaima, my therapist spoke the same line for the hundredth time today. She worked wondrously with her words, but I couldn't help baffling over a graceful tree through the window, that swung beautifully with rhythmic winds.
She's a beautiful middle aged woman, who does God's work, of helping people with their own demon's. She's continuously noting down and doing her analyse on things I spoke, as it was a part of her job.
She raised her chin and asked "I also asked you to maintain a dairy; did you? "
The dairy with plain white pages sat peacefully in my lap undisturbed, with a beautiful peacock feather on it. I passed it on to her, as she motioned me to do so.
"Manha its important that you write it out, I understand that you are not good enough to verbalize your emotions, but common, you are a literature student with great skills, I insist you to write my dear. This may ease your pain" I nodded my head robotically on every word she spoke, picturing our previous meet when I committed her to write A Dairy.
How do I explain her, I can't write. How can one decorate the papers in a diary, by writing about their own destruction; I can't. But I didn't have the energy to decline her and feel guilty about it later.
"The next time we meet I want you to speak a little more, and may be I can read your adventures written in this diary." She paused, expecting a positive outcome. Unfortunately I didn't comply. Sighing all by herself she replied. "Don't let this agony burden your shoulders." She patted the diary and passed it over to me. I nodded in return.
"Answer me Manha, and don't feel stressed about answering." She sounded pissed by the fact that I didn't answer her previously.
"I'll try my best to write" I spoke being barely audible.
Greeting goodbyes and regards, I took a leave from her office. The office was located in a really quite place of the town, not many people knew that this part even existed in our town. I took my little mobile out of my backpack, checking the time. It's almost 5 in the evening and breeze is escalating with time, fleeing away the scarf off my head.
Astagfiru'llah I'm Late again
"So... how was it." Rafaan questioned trying to put up a beautiful smile, as his orbs caught me walking towards his car.
"You know that I dislike these sessions, and you still compel me to come here every week, Rafaan I can't do this anymore" I sat inside the car shutting the door and resting my head in my palms. He waited a while, giving me the space I wanted and then entered the car, taking his seat behind the wheels.
"Manha, I'm just concern and attending these sessions will benefit your health." He spoke hopefully, tensing his shoulders backwards.
"I'm aware Rafaan, but she keeps asking me things I don't want to talk about" He squinted his eyes trying to understand me speak.
"You can absolutely change your therapist, If you are not comfortable here."
"No, She is amazing at what she does, Its just that I can't speak anymore." He nodded his head and drove away from the place I was scared of.
Rafaan Bin Zayed Almarri, happens to be my elder cousin, and the only person I actually communicate with. We do have an age barrier, but he understands the dialect I speak in. He's always concerned about my health, puts in a lot of effort even tho people ask him not to do so. I also feel guilty at times, that he has to keep up with my shit, when he can chose not to.
I leaned against the leather chair, ran my fingers through my raven black wavy hair, and spoke. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound that rude. I just don't feel like I belong there." My words grabbed his attention from the wheels, and he looked up at me.
"You don't have to feel sorry about it. I understand. Just try smiling, you look extremely beautiful when you smile." He always finds ways to compliment me, and I don't like tension that arises with the compliments, Its awkward. All I can do is awkwardly smile and brush it off.
We drive through the Al Marri manor. It is pretty huge for a residence of few people. It looks like an extremely exquisite structure on the outside, but wallahi these walls can suffocate a human being. The family I belong to are horrendously rich, but every one has their own flaws.
A few security executives do a through check of every vehicle moving either in or out, as they feel security is their basic priority. The men and woman working here scare the hell out me, with their weird looks over me for obvious reasons.
"Hey" Rafaan voiced my name, while scratching the back of his neck nervously, as I scattered to open the door to exit the vehicle. "Just don't spill anything to Jaddi (Grandpa). If he interogates about anything, stay calm and silent." I don't even wanna think about him today, my brain is saturated for the day.
I nervously nod my head and entered the prison I stayed for all my life, the place that sabotaged all my happiness. I try waking as slow as it is humanly possible.
But I don't think that was good enough because I hear a huge howl and Jaddi screaming my name bitterly from the foyer. Anxiety kicks in, and my hands start sweating, my heart starts beating to its peak, and my feet start trembling badly.
'Courage Manha. Remember this will pass' I motivated myself in vain because it didn't work.
Jaddi stood with an angry face and his signature stick in his hand. I slowly walked towards him to greet him, and osculate his hand in respect. I could feel the muscles in my body stiffen as I stood frozen. My forehead and palms start sweating destructively.
I cleaned my palms over my dress and bowed a little, then took his right hand in my hands and touched it on my forehead. The conventional way of greeting and paying respect to elders.
"As-salamu alaykum (Peace be up on you)" I greeted, as he jerked my hand away. He never responds to my greeting, but it is my duty to greet elders. I stand silently with my head hung low.
He checked his expensive watch on his wrist and spoke "Two hours, You are two hours late today. What a disgraceful woman you are." I knew this was coming upon me today.
"I'm extremely sorry and guilty of my doings Jaddi" I spoke with my head down, may be in shame.
"Do you have any idea, of what kind of disgrace you are to my prestigious family." Breath in breath out. I dapped the forming sweat on my forehead. Jaddi was right, what in the hell was on my mind, I shouldn't have joined the university in first place.
"I'm guilty of my act." I spoke chocking on the forming tears in my eyes.
Uncle Zayed and his wife, sat proudly in their chairs, talking continuously to each other unaffected of their surroundings, as I get bashed in the middle of the foyer. They are physically present but they never speak against or for me. That can be called a blessing in disguise.
"Its just been a month that you have joined university, and you have already started losing the track of timings, such a shame." His stern voice rang mercilessly in my ears.
"I will make sure it doesn't cause a problem next time Jaddi, and I feel sorry for my act" I pleaded with my tiered eyes, but I knew it was of no use. He would never believe me.
My cries don't hold the power to reach across the skies, they usually crash back on the ground.
"Why don't you feel ashamed, disgraceful, unwanted, loathsome, dis-honourable, Flagitious. If you don't then I think the consciences in you is dead." My brain starts fogging as he speaks such huge accusational words without flinching.
"You know what I pray to lord. I pray that Ar-rabb the low life that killed my son, doesn't have any right to live, yet I see you alive right after my eyes every day. Astaghfiru'llah. Wallahi that day is not far when my rabb is going to accept my prayers, and you-my son's murderer, is going to rot in hell for eternity." He cursed my life fiercely, like I was nobodies daughter.
I couldn't even process what he said due to the brain fog, but I knew what he spoke. Tears started streaming down my eyes, and I tried my best to conceal it them.
"Jaddi I asked you to rest, you are not allowed to speak this loud. The whole mansion can hear you" Thankfully Rafaan came over bolting on his feet.
"Rafaan don't you dare meddle in here, and let the mansion know what kind of a disgrace Al Marri's deal with." Jaddi spoke even louder, I could feel the gaze of other members of the household from a far, trying to analyse the conversation.
"Astaghfiru'llah Jaddi, don't do that to your self. I know what she deserve, and everybody else in here is aware that she is not worth it. Why do you strain your health in vain" Rafaan spoke, as he held a finger towards me.
This is the story of my life. I unfortunately face this everyday, but no one lends me a hand in support .Everyone just adds another humiliating word into my character vocabulary.
"Why do I always have to warn you about Jaddi, I don't want you to repeat this." Rafaan screamed on my face, and dragged me brutally towards my room. Uncle Zayed and his wife smirked on their son's bravery, where as another au-pair peered at me with pity in her eyes.
"Manha I warned you to shut your mouth, don't you understand simple instructions." Rafaan furrowed his eyes at me. Unlike me Jaddi always loved and encouraged Rafaan, and Rafaan mutated his love immensely.
"I swear didn't speak a word, instead I asked for forgiveness saying, I was guilty of my doings" He jerked my hand, and gave me little push towards my room My feet hit hard on the floor as my form shook when I burst inside the room.
"Manha, Jaddi health is more important to me than your cries, I seriously don't want an omission, mark my words. Next time I will not be this lenient. Luckily you were saved this time, next time I won't be helping."
They say lord is with everyone, Allah never leaves you alone, what an irony.
Why didn't he save me from Jaddi's humiliating words?
Why didn't he protect me, when everyone in the mansion gawked me with scandalous stares?
Why didn't he help me when Rafaan dragged me brutally?
Why didn't he save my parent, when I screamed his name, drenched in rain, on the wet soil with my dead parents?
He's not with me, He never was. The sufferings, the pain, the humiliation, wouldn't have poisoned my soul, if he ever was with me. If their is some one as Magnificent as Allah, doesn't he see my pain, doesn't he see me suffer, doesn't he feel pity like rest of the people, doesn't he love me.
"Binty Allah loves you more than us, and toady I hand you over to him" Last words spoken by my father dangerously rang in my ears.
How long will Allah test my forbearance
. . .
Dr.Futhaima- Manha's Therapist
Raffan Al Marri - Manha's cousin
Jaddi (Grandfather)- Manha's Grandfather
Zayed Al Marri - Manha's Paternal uncle.
Binty- Daughter
Wallahi- I swear to god
Rabb- Allah
Astaghfiru'llah- I seek forgiveness in Allah
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A few words that I could capture my soul are here after you...
This phase is gonna test the forbearance limits so let's see what comes next.
Next chapter will be Arsalan's POV
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