M A T T H E W
I see her with him - laughing, joking, and kissing.
She looks happy and enjoying herself. I wish I could do that, be the perfect guy for her. To always be there for her in the happiest or saddest times, to grab and cage her between my arms, to devour those enticing plump red lips that always mess me up, to have her laying and cuddling by my side, to just be with her and only her and always try to be her one perfect man.
I get some privileges from being her best friend and it's great but, I don't want great with her, I want amazing and the best with her. More.
I want more with Summer. She deserves the whole damn galaxy but, I'm selfish and wish she deserved me - the bad boy, the best friend, the player, the egotistical guy - all in my mind.
"Hey bro, what are you doing here? Are you gonna try out for the team?" Andrew's eyes flicker with joy.
He looks at the end of the bleachers, seeing what I have been gazing for a while now. They are still sitting close to each other after their 'steamy' kiss.
If you ask me why I'm doing here then it was because I followed her. I know it's creepy but the way she left the table didn't settle well with me.
"Their cute together, aren't they?" I turn to him and see adoration in his hunter green eyes.
I turn my face back again and don't reply.
"But not as cute as you and her together." He teases. I growl at him and start to walk away.
Andrew Ferrish is my cousin who just moved with us recently because his parents are away on a long business trip. They didn't want to leave the whole house to him, scared he will destroy it. I mean who could blame them Andy is a wild dude. We phone and text a lot while he was in DC.
We talked a lot about Summer, showed him some pictures and even introduced them by phone too.
I got to introduce them in person though, he has been nagging me to do that lately.
He says he is a bit shy to introduce himself to a beautiful girl. Shy my ass.
"C'mon man, you've been in love with her for so long. Just tell her before they get in too deep. You'll never know what she'll say." Andy rests his hand on my shoulder as he walks beside me.
"I can't. I can't do that, not when I'm seeing her smiling like that with him." I turn back to the couple that are laughing on top of the bench.
"You see that smile," He points at Summer, "that smile would be even wider if that guy was you."
"I can't risk it, Andy. If she says no... I'm losing my best friend and make things different between us and complicated. I don't want that." I rank my hand through my hair messing it up through frustration.
"But if she says yes, you'll have you a best friend and an amazing girlfriend at the same time."
"I... I..."
"Just think about, man."
"I have. I have for the last 9 years, ever since I saw her fall in that lake laughing and giggling when she was 8 and I was 9!"
I have loved her ever since then. It was like yesterday; us four - me, Summi, Gab and Cole - going to the lake and having fun. We would always drop Summi in the lake when she least expects it every time and I would always be the one to pull her back out because she would be in there laughing like there was tomorrow, as well as plotting her revenge on every single one of us. But it was then at the age of 10 that I have fallen for the girl laughing uncontrollably in my arms.
Classic Summer.
"We better get outta here before they notice us." Andy brings me out of my flashback.
"So, football?" He asks me again changing the topic.
Not a chance.
:::
Laying on my bed, my mind drifts off on its own. Thinking about mom, she has been having a weak heart for a while now. Dad, who is stressing about mom, work, Gab, and me. Gab, who is keeping close tabs on me and lastly me, myself.
It was all my fault from the beginning. If I hasn't taken him out that night he would still be here, alive, laughing and joking around, but because of me and my fucking doing he is not here.
Austin isn't here, he is gone. Because of me.
His family were so devastated. His mom came and cried her heart out while hugging me. The guilt that I was the one who got her son killed was unbearable, unspoken of.
They were like my second family, he was my brother.
His family came to visit me at the hospital especially his mom, she would always hold my hand and I said nothing. Not a single word came out of my mouth. Ashamed.
The funeral was my good bye. It was hard, it was so fucking hard that I didn't even go near him casket. I couldn't not while I'm the reason he is in it at the first place.
A tear slips out of my eyes. God, how I wish I took his place. It all happened so fast that I-
"Matt." Andy calls from down stairs.
I clean my throat, "What?" I wipe away the tears from my face. Nobody have talked about the incident, they knew it's a very sensitive subject and I was thankful that they didn't, I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.
"Come down, we're gonna play basketball." Gab shouts. I change into my basket shorts and head down stairs. Basketball is one sport that keeps me up. It's my domain.
"It's been long since we have played." Gab smiles, his hand ruffling Andy's hair and I dodge out of the way as his other came for mine.
"Dude." Andy runs his hand through his messed up hair pouting a little. He is the youngest of us meaning we get to tease and mess with him a lot.
"I'm gonna beat your asses!" Gab exclaims with full confidence.
But we all knew who is going beat their asses. Me obviously.
A playful cusses, shouts, laughs, whines later we end the game with points of 25-23-19 me, Gab, and Andy respectively.
"I'm gonna hit the shower." I announce getting inside the house.
"We will make some food." Both Andy and Gab head to the kitchen.
Connecting my phone to the speaker, I take my fresh steamy shower. I let the hot water wash away my stressed thoughts as I stand under the shower head, both my hands on the wall, my head hanging down low, the water dripping off my hair.
I tried to relax, tried to find my old self before all this. Tried to find that guy who was always happy, joking and messing around, always telling his opinion, never afraid of what people thought of him. Tried to find the guy who was happy inside and out not the guy who acted it out well. Not the guy which guilt is eating him up alive.
I tried to find the old Matt but he was buried so deep and not coming out.
I let that hot steamy water wash away the tears that fall again. I feel like I couldn't get out, out of this dark lightless box that's got me trapped. And through all this sadness and anguish an image of a beautiful angel came to my mind.
She would always sooth my pain, push away the fears, break me out of this dark box that I couldn't, she will always save me. She always does. But I haven't let her in. I'm too afraid. I'm too scared. I'm too timid. I'm afraid of what she would say, think, do. I'm in fear that I would lose her in a way too.
After finishing my shower I wear a black shirt with a light blue sweatpants.
Because that beautiful angel is still on my mind I decide to call her.
She hangs up. I call again, she hangs up. She then sends me a text,
Belle angel:
Busy rn. Call you later
Xo.
I don't reply. I just swallow the ping of jealousy and hurt knowing she would be with Drake because if she wasn't she would have picked up anytime.