I really have no clue as to why Ponce De Leon thought that Florida was such a great place. There is nothing great about sweating in your sleep so much your sheet nearly disintegrates. I blink my eyes open and throw everything that's touching me, minus my boxers, on the floor. I lay out star fished on my bed and try to piece together the last month or so of my life. When my mother first entered her coma, everybody was hopeful. There were no talks of If she woke up only When she woke up. Then after the third day they were still somewhat hopeful they would remind me to talk to her when I visited because there's a chance, she might hear me and wake up. There's no real science in that, I think, that's one of those things like ghosts and aliens that because there's not enough to disprove it there's not enough to prove it either, so people just keep talking to their sleeping relatives hoping that they will wake up and will be this magical Snow White moment.
Then the days turned into weeks, the first week there was still plenty of hope but, by the end of week two we had to face facts. So, we naturally discussed who would house me. I turn 18 in a few months so going through the emancipation process seemed pointless. I had one year left of high school so of course my case worker wanted me to stay in Maryland. She nearly begged my dad's parents to take me but, they refused me yet again. That left only one option, ship me off to the sunshine state and wait for me to ripen. To make up for giant uprooting they have offered me an opportunity to go back up to finish my senior year if by the time my 18th rolls around I have a clean bill of mental health. Sometime this week I go for my first appointment. First appointments are always worse than first dates, on first dates you go over really surface level things like movies and songs and maybe a quick funny anecdote about an experience you had at the gym that you only say so the other person knows that you A. go to the gym and B. are funny. When you have your first session with a therapist you must let it all hang out within the first few minutes of meeting this other human being. Most people will normally single it out to two or three traumas and then let the other stuff flows out over the next couple of sessions.
For a while my go to was always my dead dad. I mean that's just a classic, but now, I get to add mom in coma to my trauma bingo. Sometimes I wish I had siblings the way people on Disney Channel had siblings. The way they always have each other's backs and make up crazy schemes. I had friends with siblings who said that was highly unrealistic and that they always fight with their brothers and sisters. I still feel that maybe if I had had one it would be like that. My traumas would be shared with someone who is genetically like me, I would have someone who was obligated to be my friend. I used to imagine having an older sibling either a brother or sister I wouldn't care which one. They would pick me up from school, they would tell my girlfriends to treat me right, they would be there when I needed a friend. Not to say I am a sad sack with no friends, I have a few but, when I am having an issue, I don't turn to them. They are the kind of friends you sit with at lunch and maybe go to the occasional party with, they are not pouring your heart out type of friends.
I decide to stop being cooked in my bed and sit up to get the day started. As I start walking in the direction of the bathroom, I realize that I forgot to trash all the things I was supposed to last night which is just fantastic. I try to listen out to see if they are home right now and decide to just say screw it and quit worrying. I repeat the mantra of It's just trash over again in my head as I walk out my door and I run into the smell of sausage cooking. I follow my nose out to the kitchen to Grandma Enid looking very busy by the stove.
"Hey Mason! Did you sleep well honey?" She asks flipping a pancake with her spatula. As I approach, I see she has a whole continental laid out before me; toast, pancakes, sausage, bacon, and scrambled eggs.
"I slept alright, warmer than what I remembered. What's all this?" I ask walking to the trashcan by the end of the bar counter and shoving it all in.
"Oh, I felt kind of bad we had KFC Your first night here so I thought I would make up for it by making you breakfast, a proper breakfast" She beams, hands on her hips clearly proud of herself.
"You didn't have to do that, it's not like mom did much cooking anyways" I say walking back to sit at the bar. I then realize this is my first time mentioning my mother since I got here, and it is a dig at her. I immediately regret saying anything and wish I was born mute. Grandma Enid does not seem bothered by this comment. She just turns off the stove and places the last pancake on the platter that already had quite a few on it.
"Well I guess the cooking gene just skipped a generation, maybe you'll be a good cook" She says reaching in the cupboard for two plates.
"I never really cooked before, I have watched a few cooking shows and seen those little videos on Facebook. I am sure I could figure it out." I stand up and make my way over to start loading my plate right behind Grandma Enid.
"Well maybe sometime this summer you could cook us dinner if you're up to it?" She finishes her plate and takes a seat at the bar-stool next to mine.
"Yeah" I say following right behind her "I could probably do that sometimes it would be nice for me to learn a few life skills. I haven't really learned much past laundry and dishes."
"Well that's a pretty good start so far I think, you'll have time to figure some of it out in college. Have you decided on any colleges yet or are you still looking?" I shudder at the thought of having to make an actual decision. I had forgotten completely about college there for a minute. They had us make a short list at the end of junior year so we could pick our schedules with senior year more accordingly. I just picked based on how far away they were from home so I wouldn't have to pay for campus housing, and I could just borrow my mom's car to go to classes. My plan with this of course was that she would get annoyed and buy me my own car.
"I am still undecided; I'm waiting to see what my aptitude test results say." Which is a half-truth because I have already gotten my results back and the crushing weight of my anxiety forbids me from reading them. So, they are just folded up and tucked away in a pair of underwear.
"Well that's fine but don't let stuff like that decide your whole life you know, it's up to you to make the final decision."
"Right I just want a second opinion on what I should do"
"That's fine I am just trying to give some advice," she says, "By the way Jack got my scooter working so I will drive to work with that while you're here feel free to drive the Subaru. Your case worker set you up with a card so you should be good with gas, if you need anything else don't be afraid to ask."
"Wow thank you so much, you don't have to do that- "She cuts me off.
"Shush don't say anything else just please take good care of Clarissa."
"The car is named Clarissa?" I ask confused but not surprised.
"Yes, and she is a lady and you need to treat her as such." She says wiping her mouth off with a napkin and standing to take her plate to the sink. "I know this is hard on you, believe me that's my daughter and it's hard on me. It may be hard to talk about right now and you're probably all worn out from telling it to police but, if you want to talk about with someone I am always here. Just please don't bottle it all up until it is too late, and you feel like exploding." I am taken aback as it feels like all just came out of nowhere. She must see this on my face, so she says "I just thought it needed to be said so I thought of no better time than while I was already thinking about it" She walks over and puts her hand on my shoulder "I love you Mason" she waves goodbye and she walks out the door.
I mumble out an "I love you" after her and feel completely dumbstruck by how she just laid it all out like that. It makes me feel kind of embarrassed to remember that my mom was her daughter first and she is probably going through it just as much if not more than I am. It's weird to think about your child dying before you do. Ever since my dad died, I had been kind of waiting on the other shitty shoe to drop. I was not hoping for it. I was just ready for the bad luck fairy to come back around and make me feel like shit again. I live half of my life wondering about what would happen if things were different. Like what if I hadn't gotten detention that day, what if my mom was early picking me up, what if my dad hadn't died. All these ideas swirl around me for a few minutes until I hear a buzz on my phone.
Joseph: Hey did you die on the plane or did you make it?
Joseph is most likely the closest thing I have to a best friend. I think I met him in 3rd grade and he is my go-to lunch buddy. He is popular at our school despite being attached to a loser like me. He likes to drag me around to parties and have me talk to all these girls I don't care about while he gets to chatting up the prettier friend. Can't say it hasn't worked in my favor a few times, but it is taxing, nonetheless.
Me: Unfortunately, I made it this place hasn't changed a bit.
Joseph: Yeah maybe that's just a grandparent's thing mine have barely moved a cup since the last time I visited.
Me: Maybe hey how is Jessica?
Joseph: We broke up ☹ most likely she will be spamming my phone here shortly.
Joseph: Did you get your Xbox hooked up and everything?
Me: yeah
Joseph: Cool I will get online tonight if Jess is still being anti-Joe
Me: Why did you guys even break up?
Joseph: I never unfollowed Amelia or Jane after I broke up with them, so she saw that I was liking their posts
Joseph: She got super pissed and was all like you can go date them instead and I was like I already did and that got me in more trouble because when Jess and I met I told her Jane and I were only ever friends.
Joseph: which I don't remember saying but I think if I would have tried to defend myself, she would have reached through the phone and ripped my head off
Joseph: so, now she's sub tweeting me with Nicki Minaj lyrics so idek dude
Me: Are you going to try to get back with her?
Joseph: I shouldn't, right? But like idk she like got cheated on so like I get why she is crazy but still maybe I should like reassure her?
Me: That would probably tone down her crazy, that and not calling her crazy
Joseph: good point
Joseph: Updates?
Me: none since I got here
Joseph: keep me posted
Joseph: I'll hit you up later maybe we can play a game tonight she's dming me rn
Joseph and I are two different breeds of people some days and other days I feel like we might be distantly related and today it feels like the latter. Jessica and he have been together for about a month and he swore up and down that this will be his last relationship so he's trying hard to make it work. I personally don't know why he wants this so bad but, it's not for me to worry about. He has always been about finding somebody to date, he pretty much refuses to be alone for an extended period. Which I mean who can blame him.
Sometimes when I go out with Joseph I see just how different we can be. He dyes his hair blond and has really dark brown eyes, he also dresses like he is auditioning to be a frat boy. Pair that with my shaggy brown hair, blue eyes, and desire to dress in the most nondescript clothes ever we do not look like we belong together let alone be each other's friends. Somehow he is able to entertain me and vice versa. He told me he might be able to convince his parents to let him come down this summer and honestly I hope he is able to.
I decide to take Clarissa for a spin to that bookstore Grandma Enid recommended to me ever so subtly. I figured I do not need to spend all summer playing sub-par video games and can spend an hour or two not staring at my screen. I get dressed and head outside. Clarissa is a 2008 Subaru Tribeca and she is just awful to look at. She looks like if you had someone who had never seen an SUV try to draw one based off of verbal instructions. I get in and pray to Jesus or someone like him that this thing will actually start. Once I'm sitting in the driver's seat I take in my surroundings, the fact the rear-view mirror hasn't fallen off from the weight of all the knick knacks hanging off of it I have no clue, There is thankfully an aux cord that lights up and pulses rainbow, and the peak is the ridiculous things on her dash that she has hot glued in place. It is insulting to the eyes. After the third try it starts and I head out with GPS guiding me.