Some days I find a million and one reasons why I should leave. By leaving, I'm not sure if I mean I vanish into thin air or simply die in general. Today, more than ever, I imagine what the world would look like around me if I left them all. Staring at the black box on top of the dresser, as if it's whispering sweet nothings in my ear, begging me to open it. Today, the few reasons to stay just don't seem as strong as they usually do. They're not grabbing me and pulling me; I'm not breaking down into tears over the debate they have in my head. Voices I can't control in a world where there's no one there to listen to me, this world has me struggling more and more each day with myself and the courage to live. Fear of living and fear of death is a constant battle that I feel like I just can't control anymore. Finally, my body breaks, and I'm screaming on the insides while my tears fall down my face slowly, suddenly my will to live grabs me by my wrist.
"Mommy! Can we go to the park today, the big one! Please, mommy!" I hear him, but I can't yet look at him in fear that he'll see my tears settling in on my cheeks. It only takes a moment to gather me, so I'm just strong enough to look back down at him, my son.
Picking him up in my arms and smothering him in kisses as he giggles and continuously trying to push my kisses back. His big bright blue eyes look up at me with pure admiration and love.
"Okay! We can go, hurry and put your shoes on and wait for me by the door. Mommy needs to get dressed and out of my Pajamas too!"
"Okay, mommy! Hurry up, or I'm going to win momma!" He yells at me as he runs through the living room to the front door to put his favorite light up shoes on. I can see the excitement all over his face, and he always looks so ecstatic when I say yes to going to the park outside. We don't often go, which breaks my soul, due to the constant fear of what could be outside waiting for us. Needing to get out of my sweatpants, digging through my drawers looking for a clean pair of jeans and whatever t-shirt I grab first. After I dress, I head to the bathroom, where I spend more time than I prefer. Sounds strange, I know, trust me. The main reason for my many bathroom adventures is due to the number of medications I need to take just to endure the day. One done. Two done. And.... three done. For today anyway.
There was a knock on the bathroom door, a slightly impatient little boy is peeking through the crack of the door, begging me with his big bright eyes to hurry so he can go down the same slide repeatedly for hours. The smile creeps on my face, and his smile grows more prominent, he throws open the door and yells "MOMMY!" Scooping him up in my arms, I walk to the front door and slide my shoes on and head to the park.
The world isn't the same as it once was, and surviving isn't as easy as before. The world outside is quiet, not in a beautiful way, in a terrifying way. It's unwelcoming. It's brutal. It's a place I wish didn't exist, but it is now the world I have to raise this brave little man in. Keeping my eyes searching the woods around us, the abandoned homes, and the cars left on the streets with no owner coming back for them. He may not understand why we have no one who can visit us or why there's never any other children at the parks, I've avoided for four long years explaining to him why the world has become so dull around him. Keeping the secrets of the unknown to myself, just a little while longer, ensuring I'm strong enough to live long enough to keep him safe.
I must have drifted too deep into thought because we had reached the park, but something wasn't right. My hand begins to move towards the gun strapped on my side. James looks back at me with pure joy. Running towards me, "Look, mommy! I see a friend at the park, do you see her too!"
"Get behind me, grab mommy's shirt, do exactly as a say and no matter what, run if I scream run. Do you understand?" I could tell he didn't want to and didn't fully understand the words I was saying but knew it was best to listen to me. "Is she sick, mommy...?" I didn't answer him because I didn't know. I didn't want to see, I waited for her to move, seeing that she already knew we were there. Stopping entirely in her tracks, I could see that her entire body had become tense, and I wasn't mentally prepared to kill a child in front of my own. Would I ever be?
I scan the entire playground, looking for anyone who may have accompanied this child? Nope. No one. She hasn't looked back at us yet; in fact, she hasn't moved at all. I don't plan to risk anything, not today, not with him by my side. I refuse to put him dangerous; I refuse to let him see the real darkness in the world. I've already explained more than I wanted but keeping it as little as possible and telling him that people have become sick, in a way that makes them dangerous, to avoid everyone, even if they look like our family.
I'm pulled back to the moment, and his grip tightens as I hear him whisper, "Her eyes momma... her eyes.." Backing away, one hand on my pistol and the other on his side. "Don't look, James, look away. It's going to be okay, mommas going to get us home okay. Just stay attached to me unless I say run. Okay? Can you do that for me?" I feel his tears on the back of my shirt, but he continues to be brave as he shakes his head yes in response.
She's standing now, and I can see it, she's sick, it's too late for her. I'm not ready for the battle in front of me; I know I have no choice. Stay strong. I keep telling myself. He's watching me, counting on me, I have to do this. "BURY YOUR FACE IN MY SHIRT JAMES! NOW JAMES, DO NOT LOOK UP OKAY!" His tears have complete,y soaked the back of my shirt, I'm holding everything in as hard as I can.
"Am I ready? Aim Verity! I NEED TO FIRE!" I'm screaming as loud as I can, but it's all in my head.
The sickly child is up, fixated on us. She picks her target. Blood drips from her lips, but hunger hasn't left her body. I won't let this happen; she won't get him, I refuse to lose my only reason to live! I WILL NOT LET HIM DIE!
My body stopped shaking, I've gathered myself. I can feel James shaking, and his tears haven't stopped, she's running at us now, I have no choice, I have to do this.
POW!