Still sitting there on the chair, Nem passed in hand through his messy hair.
'What the hell do I do know ?'
Even though he wasn't actually sure Carl was telling the truth, Nem simply didn't have the motivation to check anymore. With a heavy sigh, he went out into the street and started walking randomly.
This feeling of not knowing what to do was very familiar...
Little by little, without Nem noticing, he started feeling the same way he felt before coming to this world... Looking around him, his eyes, normally clear and with a wisp of playful maliciousness seemed cloudy and droopy. His expression was completely empty, without the slightest bit of emotion leaking out.
He walked for a long time, his lonely silhouette clearly outlined by the still rising Sun.
Without really paying attention to where he was going, Nem had returned to the southwest area. His eyes were opened, and he couldn't miss anything even if he wanted to. Progressively, every step he took became somewhat painful. If someone was watching him, they would have trouble determining whenever this boy was forcing himself to walk or desperately trying to resist the urge to go forward.
The little boy's face was cold, and perhaps most people he knew wouldn't even recognize him if they saw him at this moment. He never stopped walking, even as his expression became stiffer and stiffer and his eyes bloodshot.
Every detail entering his vision was like a hammer hitting his stomach and chest. The warm sunlight on his skin felt like mocking laughter coming from the sky and everywhere around him.
Nem felt the urge to hug himself, cross his arms around his chest and sit in a closed space. It was such a familiar sensation... Loneliness.
At this moment, Nem was in the most active part of the southwest area, and a dense crowd encircled him. Everyone was hurrying in different directions at a different pace in what the boy felt like utter chaos. Every step they took was felt like a loud bang on his brain.
Here, right now, lost in the crowd in a warm morning, the only feelings he had were coldness, loneliness and disgust.
He instinctively chose to go in a place with fewer people, and chose a small alley. The first thing he saw there was a frail girl not much older than his current self. She was wearing very light clothes obviously made to show as much skin as possible and on her face was a wide smile.
Nem's eyes captured the stiffness of her facial muscles and the lack of movement from her eyebrows, he captured the bruises on her neck and arms and the light in her eyes that he couldn't even bring himself to name. There were even a few bite marks on her shoulders.
His stomach churned and he vomited in the corner of the street. His back was bent and his body covered in a cold sweat. Suddenly, Nem felt the urge to destroy something, or at least to hit someone. It was blind rage. He elevated his hand slightly, bringing it to his eyes, his neck bent towards the ground.
He knew what would come next. It was not always the same, but the result never really changed. He would feel tired, so tired that his shoulders wouldn't be able to lift his arms anymore.
In the end, what could he do ? Even if he could do something, should he ? Why bother ? Was he capable of changing anything ? Would he feel any better, even for a fleeting instant ?
His hand, bent in half a fist suddenly experienced some kind of weird spasm and clear white claws jumped out of the top of his fingers. The sharp protrusions reflected the sunlight even in this dark place, and they caused Nem's bloodshot eyes to widen and the rhythm of his breath to become more and more even.
The boy observed it for a few minutes, his head devoid of thoughts. He felt much calmer.
'Does it matter even if it doesn't matter ? Why bother not bothering ?'
He retracted his claws. Nem spits on the ground to clear a bit of the taste of puke out of his mouth. His body straightened up and his eyes seemed to have recovered their usual glint, with an additional hint of sharpness in his pupils.
After a final look in the alley, Nem disappeared into the crowd. He had a clear destination in mind this time.
'It had been a while since this happened...' His thoughts also became more normal.
What had just happened was a kind of situation akin to a panic attack that he was once very used to. It had stopped happening a few months before he died, but unexpectedly came back today.
He had never consulted a professional or even considered a proper diagnosis for this. For Nem, this was a normal reaction to a sick world, not a symptom of a mental illness. It had stopped because he somehow got used to it... or so he thought.
'The combination of my power of observation and everything going on in this city... It's no wonder this happened once I got a bit unfocused...'
Nem didn't sigh, but smiled instead.
'Now I know it won't happen again !'
Even though it was his Curse that triggered this attack, it was also his Curse that stopped it. The claws had made him realize something as well.
This was a completely different environment, a completely different world, and he, Nem, was a completely different being. Could a child with the memories of an adult and strange superpowers even be called human ? For him, the question was quite complicated.
In a way, the only restriction he had as a child who planed to get away from the only thing that had authority over him was the ones he created for himself.
Right now, he was free to leave for some random place, free to spy on whoever he wanted and free to even kill the ones he wanted to kill.
Language ? He knew the two languages that pretty much everyone could speak in this world. Money ? He was a kid, it would be weird if he had any and if he really needed some, he could steal it.
As Nem listed all the things he didn't need to bother within his mind, he also decided that he wouldn't leave Lunhart, at least for the next two days.
During this time, he would try to get as much information as he could and decide from there.
His mind was now clearer than before and a faint memory came back to haunt him. It was the picture of a small apartment, suitable for a young student living alone. In here was an indistinct body curled up on the ground in pain. Next to it was a phone with the screen lit up and some kind of long text on it. There was a knife in Nem's hand, or whatever his name was back then.
'I should have just used it...'
Remembering the knife made him feel what was associated with it. The urge to murder somebody. Righteous anger and the pain of finding out an unpleasant truth. Grief. Self-hatred.
There really wasn't a lack of emotions there. Perhaps this was why he didn't have much for such a long time after that.
As Nem was still immersed in the familiar feelings, two men approached him, seemingly attracted by his sickly look and good-looking face. They were smiling like clever predators, sure of their success.
Nem was still in a small alley, and they were now alone in it. He looked at those people with eyes full of interest but no other emotion. He even forgot to blink as the two guys were closing in on him. This look was like a cat looking at a still struggling mouse that he had caught under his claws. Devoid of humanity.
One of the two people, who was skinny and wore old and rough clothes opened his mouth, revealing a row of ruined teeth, and spouted :
"Well, aren't ya lost here, lil' dude ?"
'The good thing about being a kid and looking so vulnerable, is that anyone who still wants to harm me is definitely a bad person and needs no mercy.' Nem thought, his mind calm.
The other guy seemed a bit more dangerous, but he was also further away.
Nem took out his gourd and took a mouthful of water before throwing it away. It still tasted like vomit.