It was going to be hard to explain to hyung exactly what I was doing, but I had to try atleast, because there is no turning back from this point and I knew that.
I was sitting on my bed and Yewean was sitting on my chair in front of my desk, across the room. His hands crossed over his chest with an angry look with a hint of disappointment and it made my heart ache. As I knew he was not disappointed on me but he was disappointed on himself and that made me feel so much more worse.
Why do people have to be so hard on themselves around me?
"Yewean please dont blam me of doing sucha a thing, I am not a coward " I said trying to make him believe that I was not stupid enough to take my own life.
"Then why was your hands bleeding so much? Why did you loose conciousness? Tell me, TELL ME NAMCHAN" he shouted the last words making me jump in my place as I was scared of his anger.
I knew it seemed like I was attempting suicide but I surely never wanted to end my life atleast not now.
But I kept silent anyways as I didn't had the exact words to explain the situation to him so I thought it was best to keep quite and listen to him at this moment and he anyway had the right to shout at me as I understood his concerns for me.
"How can you just forget about your family and me?" Yewean started shouting and I just kept sitting still listening to his words, as I knew even though he misunderstood me every word was so correct and true that it was almost impossible to ignore.
"What did I do wrong? What did your mother do wrong? What did your brother do wrong? What did any of us do wrong that pused you to this limit? What was so damn depressing that you have to go to this limits? I know you have a tough life but was it this hard that you have to do this? suicide ? seriously Namchan? I tried my best to keep you happy but guess what I failed. I failed miserably. Actually whatever the reason was, it's my fault that I could not be the support you needed. I thought I was being a good friend, I guessed I was being a good elder brother so what if we are not from same parents, I thought we were much more closer than actually blood related brothers, I tried my best to give you company through your though life but I was such a failure. Such a big failure. I failed to help you. I failed to even support a person. I failed to give you the love you needed. I couldn't even understand when you became so depressed to go to these limits and I considered myself the closest to you. Its shameful. You know what I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry I couldn't show you my love and care. I am sorry I was a failure at being a friend. I am sorry I could only save you once you started to faint and not when you started feeling the wrong way. I AM SORRY NAMCHAN"