"Is something bothering you, Tahar?" It was an uncharacteristic question from the steely-eyed Ashmorn. Tahar was taken aback by it. Her mind spun for a loop as she grappled with the immense vagueness of what she had asked.
All she could say was, "Why?"
"I am attempting to be more empathetic, Ren said it would be a good exercise for me."
Tahar felt like they were at odds when speaking with each other. Her grasp of the language was not the best – and Cali struggled greatly when it came to emotive subjects. She had not understood the true depth of her emotional turmoil until weeks after she started travelling with them. She came to understand the ways in which Cali acted differently to others; something that was uniquely hers and not related to her differing place of birth. Tahar leaned back in her chair and exhaled through her nose. What could she say that would make sense to Cali?
The elf was not asking idly. Her mind scrubbed through recent events to try and pinpoint the cause of her discomfort. This was also something she had learned recently. Ren had described it as cause and effect, revealing that prior events resulted in emotions that lasted for much longer than she expected.
"You're upset because Ren was injured," she concluded. Tahar was rather fond of him despite his blemishes.
"Yes. I am."
"For what purpose?"
"I am Ren's mate. My mistake led to the injury," she revealed, "I am a failure of a partner."
A painful moment passed where Cali processed what to say.
"I do not believe that Ren sees you as his wife."
Tahar sighed. This was meant to be empathetic?
Though as if to prove her wrong, Cali reworded her statement a second later; "I mean – he has little interest in romantic pursuits at the present time. I believe he feels that he may die at any moment, and does not wish to form such connections for the sake of preserving us from grief."
That was much more reasonable. Tahar chewed on her words and nodded, "Would you feel sad if he died?" she asked.
Cali tilted her head, "I am unsure. There was a time where I was swallowed in grief, before I left my home nation and came to Sull. Perhaps I would. I find Ren more tolerable company than most, and he has shown me a great many things."
"I see."
"Regardless. Injuries are inevitable in battle – and Ren's life will end if he does not successfully hunt strong foes and consume them. Everything he does, he does of his own will. His will to continue existing in this world."
Tahar grumbled, "Yet if not for me, he would not have had to jump into the way of its attack. It was my mistake alone. He sacrificed himself for a mistake I made. I cannot call myself a suitable mate if I permit such a thing to happen."
Cali's eyes narrowed, "I understand."
"This is why I tried to pass leadership to him! But he trusted me. I'm afraid that it was misplaced."
"Ren respects you greatly. He believes you are capable of a great many things that I am not. If I were fully capable of envy, I would have more rude words to say. But I do not. To Ren, success is not measured in halves. Life and death are the two ultimate ends of anything that we do. None of us perished, so it was a success."
Tahar shook her head, sending tangled knots and braids in every direction; "No. What we sacrifice in battle can be weighed against the reward. If one of our people was injured during a hunt, if they lost an arm or leg…"
"You would consider that a failure?"
She stood from the chair and slammed her clawed hand against the table between them, "Yes! I would! Losing something so important for meat or fur, we would never even consider it. Not during the worst winters, not ever!"
Cali was unperturbed, "Ren sees things differently. Every moment from his birth until now has been life or death. A series of gambles, coin flips. Every time he wins, he climbs a little higher. Considerations of risk can only be made by one who lives in comfort, and when follows that road to its inevitable conclusion…"
Cali stopped, her eyes unfocused. Tahar took a deep breath and studied her expression. There was a flash of panic in her gaze. She believed in that moment that Cali had submerged herself into a deeply repressed memory or experience. This was raw. Not an imitation, nor a face made for the benefit of communication.
"Stagnation. That unfettered stillness rotting flesh from bone. Flesh bound to leather, hopeless eyes gazing to a decorated ceiling."
The air had been sucked clean out of the room. Tahar did not want to pull her back to the surface suddenly, fearful for the consequences. She sat back and observed. Cali whispered under her breath, too quiet for Tahar to hear. And then suddenly she returned to normal. She blinked the fog from her eyes and continued the conversation as if nothing had happened.
"If Ren begrudged you for the injury, he would have said so by now. Unlike me, he is very forthcoming with his feelings."
"It is not a matter of how he feels. I am not fit to lead a band, and I am not fit to be his mate."
"Ah, so you are leaving him to me then?"
Tahar stuttered, "What do you mean?"
Cali, in a calculated move, slowly turned to stare into her eyes; "I said – if you do not want Ren as a mate, then I can simply claim him for myself, no?" Tahar did not know if Cali was joking. Her intonation never once changed. Was she even capable of feeling attraction to another person? Nothing she had seen had indicated as such. Cali was just as impersonal with others as she was the first time they met.
"He can have multiple mates," Tahar replied. It was an easier response than picking apart the messy emotional tangle that Cali had just tried to create. If Ren willed it, she would happily share him with another woman. Tahar had been surprised to learn that such arrangements were also accepted on another continent away from her home tribe; she herself was born to a man who claimed two partners.
Cali turned to face the wall, "True. Though I was merely attempting to motivate you."
Tahar was not convinced by her sudden about face. She knew that Cali was more attached to Ren than she let on, or was capable of displaying. In an ironic way both of them were stuck in the same quandary. Ren trying to avoid forming connections with people, Cali unable to form connections with people, both incapable of stopping themselves from getting closer.
Dealing with Cali's constant ambiguity was challenging. During their first night pitched in camp together, Tahar had mistakenly believed that she had greatly offended Cali by accident. It was only an hour later that Ren bridged the gap and explained what had happened. Cali didn't get offended. You could insult her and she wouldn't bat an eye. The only thing that really upset her was when someone weak challenged her to a fight.
Even then, she didn't break her stoic façade.
"Apologies. But I cannot understand. I agree with Ren – you were the most capable person for the position at the time. As a result of your stewardship we successfully defeated the dragon. It was an appropriately stimulating experience."
"Even if I accept this, I still feel the same."
"And you would not change even in the face of such evidence?"
"No," Tahar concluded. This was all about her own feelings. Not evidence. She wanted to feel confident in her leadership, but she didn't; and she wasn't going to forgive her own incompetence just because Ren hadn't complained about it. In her tribe the leadership of a band was an important and significant responsibility. People would train for decades just to have a chance of heading a large hunt. It was why she had initially refused the order.
"Then I am unsure of what else I can offer. You know Ren; he is a man concerned firstly with practicalities. At that moment you were the best choice. He trusts you, a little."
Tahar closed her eyes and seperated herself from the conversation. It was going nowhere.
"You got any big plans Ren?"
I sat at the table in Ryan's living room with an impassive look, "No, not at the moment."
The man of the hour was across from me, having gotten out of bed earlier than Benadora had predicted. She was the one who kept him from dying during the trip back to the city. From what Ryan had told me, Pascen had truly gone to the dogs. It was an apocalyptic change in tides, rendering that patch of coastline completely uninhabitable. I had refrained from telling him about my part in the incident.
Ryan was trying to stay upbeat about things. But even his sunny disposition struggled to put a positive spin on the grievous injuries he had suffered. A missing arm was enough to put most people into destitution. He was lucky that he owned his own house. That would provide shelter for him from the worst of it. Above that missing arm was what I presumed was a missing eye, or at least one that was damaged beyond use. The thick bundle of white bandages that had been secured around his head obscured it.
"I made a lot of money by putting the brakes on Lord Forester. Could just kick back and relax for a few months."
Ryan motioned to me with his remaining hand, "But it's best to strike while the iron is hot man! Everyone is talking about how much of a badass you are for doing that. You could charge like… three times your normal rate, easily."
"Sure. But I really do just need a break from all of this. I got beat up pretty bad, and it's stressful being out in the wild all the time. I'm sure people will still be talking about it when I decide to get back out there again."
"Heh. I guess. Man, it really sucks that they don't have welfare around here."
I snorted, "Oh? Looking for some support payments?"
"Exactly! They should do the right thing and help out veterans like me."
"You didn't even serve in the militia."
"So? I was still out there fighting the good fight," he joked.
"What are you going to do about money?"
Ryan shrugged, "I'll figure something out. Most of the time I don't even get into any fights during my normal work, so I could just go back to looking for missing folks again."
"Sure; doesn't hurt that you have a legendary sword either. Why the hell did you even take that job on in the first place?"
"My buddy, Jonell, he came up and asked me to tag along. I wasn't going to turn him down. He's been… Well, I ain't seen much of him in the past few weeks. Guy doesn't even wanna' look at me when I'm like this."
"Did you fall out?"
He shook his head, "I don't blame the guy for anything. I chose to go with him, and those wolves moved so fast that I'm not surprised one slipped through. It must screw with his head to see me covered in these bandages."
"He saw you after you were hauled out of there too – that's a gruesome thing to see if it's your friend."
Ryan slapped his cheek and groaned, "Ugh. I didn't think of that. I need to get him over here and have a talk, man on man."
Now that he mentioned it, I hadn't gotten much of a chance to have a frank conversation with Tahar and Cali. Despite the large amount of time we spent with each other, we were usually busy. Picking apart the previous events during our travels was never on my mind. Talking was never my bag. It was hard to open up about my 'feelings' or past without dredging up things most people would rather go without thinking of. It was certainly not something I would explore with polite company.
I was getting tired of everything being so grim. Even Ryan was looking like a glum fellow with half of his face missing. He'd probably feel the same way. We were both from a world of convenience. This was a world without an ounce of that. He'd give his other arm to be sent back, presuming that he didn't meet an unfortunate end before being sent here.
That did summon an interesting question in my mind. This was a chance for me to ask him about how he got here. But I realised that it would be a further mark against me if I dragged things down even further by making him recall the circumstances of his supposed death. I kept it to myself. I'd get another chance to ask later – hopefully when he'd cheered up a little.