I don't know whether I should be sad or happy. On one side the love for which I had been yearning for years finally is going to be mine but on the other side, my heart is not ready to accept this change. According to psychology within 21 days you can change a hobby into a habit. You just need 21 days to change your heart and brain then for the past 9 years I carved this thing in my mind and heart that Sanskar will never be mine. Now suddenly, people who were against it till now changed their minds just like that. Well, I can't do that.
I need time... a lot of time.
But I don't think Sanskar will wait till that time. These years were a lesson for me. Other than Sanskar I have a lot of commitments. Since I am the only child of my parents, I chose Medicine as my profession. The main priority was to put a halt to my marriage talks but other than that I genuinely liked serving people and I have to take care of my parents.
The feeling you get when people praise because you saved their life. It's a kind of intoxication and I liked it.
I am not like other girl kids who will look after her new family after her marriage forgetting about her parents. Just to stabilize their financial status I have to work. Work till I live. We are still living in this 1 BHK. I have so many commitments I cannot think about love and marriage now.
This park is my solace for the past few years. Whenever I feel sad, confused, or happy I come to this park to clear my mind. Now I decided to tell Sanskar whatever is in my mind. Even though Sanskar loves me, once he went out and tried other options, but I am not like that. Taking my mobile I dialed Sanskar's number. After a few rings, he picked up.
"Hello Swara"
"Sanskar, can you please come to the park which is in the next street from your house?" I asked politely but at the back of my head, it's constantly giving me a reminder that now the equation between us is not going to be the same.
"Yeah, sure, when you want to meet?"
"Like now as I am in the park only"
"Ok I will come but it will take at least 30 minutes to reach as I am in the office now" His voice oozed with uncertainty.
"Sanskar if you are busy, we can meet some other time also I don't want to be a hindrance in your work," I said thinking that everyone will not be free like me.
"No Swara, you will never be a hindrance, at least not for me. I will try to come as soon as possible"
"Ok, meet you soon" I cut the call and started here my favorite Tamil song on repeat mode. The lake and the sunset with the chill breeze surely calmed my mind. I closed my eyes enjoying the essence of nature, but I opened my eyes feeling a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Sanskar smiling at me with a floral bouquet in his hand. I signed him to sit beside me on the grass.
"This is for you," He said and gave me the bouquet. I smiled wide feeling the velvet texture of the flowers under my fingertips. The sweet fragrance filled my nostrils and tears welled up. My thoughts raced back to the thing I wrote in my Diary:
'Dear Diary, today Ram uncle gave Sujata aunty a bouquet full of pink roses. When I asked Aunty why Uncle gave her the bouquet, she said its Uncle's way of greeting her every day because according to him even women work hard every day to keep the house as home. When I smelt the rose a strange calmness engulfed my heart. From that day I started to admire flowers. I tried creating my own flower garden, but I couldn't. When I get married, I want my husband also to get me at least one flower each day either it can be in the morning or in the evening without any obligation. He should genuinely get me the flowers. When I get angry at him, he should send him a lot of flowers till I forgive him'
"Thank you so much, Sanskar" I looked at him and saw him looking at me with concern.
"Hey, why are you crying?"
"Nothing, it's just no one ever gave me flowers even the people who knew I like flowers. You don't even know what I like or dislike, but you took this little effort. This means a lot to me Sanskar" I said looking at him and he smiled back.
"Sanskar, I called you because I wanted to talk about us" I turned towards him totally to sent him the signal that I serious about things I am going to speak.
"To be honest, I never thought you loved me..."
"Not loved Swara, I still love you"
"Ok, I never thought you will love me, I thought you had a crush on me, and you had so many girlfriends back in Italy. It's not your fault, when I realized I am in love with you, you were not there, and when you realized your love you were far from me. But, Sanskar I can't speak for you, from my side, I grew up with the thought that my parents are never going to accept you and after seeing your photos and videos with your girlfriends I made up my mind that my love is going to be unrequited. I kind of liked it Sanskar. My love harmed no one. Only I have the right on my love and no one, not even you have the right to snatch it from me. 9 years Sanskar... 9 years. It's not easy for me to suddenly change the idea that you are going to be with me. In these years, other than you I have a lot of commitments also Sanskar. I chose Medicine because I want to be the breadwinner of my family. I want to make my parents proud that they are the parents of Dr. Swara. We are still living in the colony, I have to settle my family. There are so many things I have to achieve that it will take at least 8 to 10 years Sanskar. Till then I can't think about love and marriage and I know about your parents, they started this marriage talks because they want you to get settled and I can't think about marriage now." Finally, I sighed in relief after pouring out my heart
"Can I speak now, Swara?" I gave him a nod to continue.
"Swara, I don't know how I should explain it to you that my past was my past. It's never going to be my present or future. Yes, I had a few flings back in my college because I was blinded by fame and power back. Also, partially I forgot about you, but one day I saw your photo from Visha's puberty ceremony that's when it hit me hard that it has always been you Swara that my heart fell for. After that, I never looked at any girl with a romantic eye. I came here to propose to you, but then Laksh told me about his feelings. Then yesterday Badepapa, Dad and Uncle revealed all the secrets. Today after, you told me about your feelings I can't say I can understand because I was never in your place but I can try to understand you. When I realized my feelings for you within a few months I flew to Italy and everything changed. Though we both love each other, we don't know anything about each other. Even I don't want to settle this early. I want to know you in and out. I want to enter the marital life with full confidence and with your consent. Let's date for some time. Let's get to know each other and then we will decide. What you say?" He asked me with lots of hope in his eyes. I thought for a while, but I couldn't come to a conclusion.
"Can I give you the answer by tonight or tomorrow?" I asked him and he nodded in agreement.
I woke up dusting my saree and started to walk towards the entrance of the park but stopped hearing Sanskar's voice. I turned and saw him also standing and walked towards me.
"You look beautiful in this blue saree. Saree suits you." He said and kissed my right cheek. I gasped loudly clutching the bouquet. I smiled looking down feeling pain in my cheeks.
"I never thought you will look cute when blush" after his statement only I realized I am blushing. I opened my front camera and saw my cheeks tainted with dark pink shade. I walked out without waiting for him but the smile never left my lips. Somewhere in my heart, I could feel that by his efforts the wall I built is getting shattered little by little.