To this day, I remember when I totally fell in love with Sanskar with all of my heart. I attained puberty when I was 12, as we are South Indians, we had a lot of rituals. I heard Amma talking to Grandma about how I should not meet any men before I have a proper function because there is a belief that the first guy I meet after my puberty has a high chance of becoming my husband. Somewhere I wanted to meet Sanskar then and there. Sujata Aunty and Ram Uncle did all the rituals as my Mama and Mami couldn't come.
After all the rituals Mom took me to the terrace of the colony where the arrangements for my isolation stay made. I was wearing a mustard green half saree which I love the most. Traditional dresses also fascinated me since childhood. Uttara, Visha, and few of my colony friends were with me for some time when Kashi out of nowhere saw Sanskar lurking at the terrace.
"Uttara looks like your brother wanted to meet someone today very badly" hearing her tease I blushed while all laughed at me including Uttara. I was tired of all the functions, so I slept early. Around midnight I heard someone calling me especially a male voice from the other side of the barrier.
"No God, please I only want to see Sanskar" I prayed internally
"Who is there?" I asked with a fear
"It's me, Sanskar" my eyes widened realizing that actually Sanskar came to meet me.
"What are you doing here? You shouldn't come to me at this time" I felt a new wave of sensation coursing through me. I felt my heart racing faster.
"I came here to ask about your health. I am 17 and I know what you are going through. At this time, you will feel pain in your stomach" his words of concern brought tears in my eyes. He wanted to check on my health.
"It's... I mean... I was scared when it happened. I don't know what to do but then Mom was there, so she explained everything. It's not paining that much" I stuttered not knowing what to say and how to say. This is not something you will discuss with a guy. Definitely not to the guy you love.
My hands started to sweat when the realization dawned on me. I am in love with a guy whom I thought as my crush. I shivered when again his voice hit my ears.
"I wanted to give you this gift. I thought of giving this on your birthday, but I read on a website that when someone comes to meet you, they should gift you something" I stayed silent not knowing what to do. This realization of love is taking a toll on me and on the other hand Sanskar is waiting for my reply. I could have received the gift without showing myself but somewhere I wanted him to see me like this. So, I slowly came out and stood in front of him with my eyes cast down. From my peripheral view, I saw the reaction of Sanskar. He was wearing a blue shirt rolled up till his elbow and black jeans. He stood like a statue looking at me.
"I can't see your face, but I can't send you with getting my gift," I said and slowly he gave me the box. I went back to the cot behind the curtain while I heard him jumping off of the wall. I opened the box hurriedly and saw a beautiful crystal anklet with a lot of chums. I smiled looking at the anklets. The next day morning Sujata Aunty came to me and asked me if by chance Amma asks me if I saw any guy, I should not tell the name because it might stress Amma. I said Ok and as Aunty said Mom asked me and I denied. The day before my second ceremony I heard Grandma, Mama, Mami, Amma, and Appa talking about Maheshwari's.
"Anu I know Maheshwari's are your family friend but keep one thing in mind we can't let Swara get married to a North Indian family" Appa looked at Grandma as if agreeing to whatever she is saying.
"Amma, what are you speaking? In which world are you living. Swara is still a little girl and about marriage, it will be the decision of Swara not any of you guys" Ajay Mama retorted back while Mami tried to calm Mama.
"Ajay, just because you are living in America you married Joan against our wish, but I can't let Swara also go in that path. I have experience in reading people and mark my words Sujata and her family will definitely ask our Swara's hand for either of their sons" Grandma said and a heated argument erupted between Mama and Grandma while I stood behind the door with tears rolling down. That moment I realized no matter what Amma and Appa will not get me married to Sanskar.
"Amma, I know what I should do for Swara. As Ajay said she is still a kid we will think about all of this later" Appa said but somewhere I knew their final decision. On Sunday, everyone came to bless for the new phase of my life except Sanskar. I wanted to meet him, but I could never. Soon I got into the rhythm of my normal life but my visitation to Maheshwari Mansion became less and I knew because of whom. My Grandma.
After 3 months, Sanskar took off to Italy to pursue engineering. That's the last time I met him face to face. Passing years, I thought maybe Sanskar was my crush not love as you get mature your thought process changes but Sanskar was someone who was constant throughout my life. I couldn't see any guy past Sanskar in a romantic view. I always felt like I am betraying him. Uttara was the only one who knew my struggle between my family and my feelings for Sanskar.
I chose the medical field given that it will give me time to put off the marriage talks which started around the age of 20. My Grandma was keen on getting me hooked in the matrimony but somehow, I made my point that I will think about marriage after my graduation. It all came to an end when Amma overheard my conversation with Uttara.
"Swara, you very well know in our family we don't entertain love and all. Already your Mama brought enough shame to our family"
"Did I asked you guys to get me married to the man I love? You guys don't even know who he is. I very well know you guys will never get me married to the man I love. So, please don't worry Mom I will never bring shame to you or Appa" I said. After a week we came to know that Sanskar is coming back to India. The news itself made me feel alive. The struggle of 9 years finally came to an end. I am going to see him face to face. I knew in the past 9 years he had a lot of relationships, but it never mattered to me.
All it mattered was am I being loyal to Sanskar? I don't even know does he have any type of feelings towards me, but did it ever mattered. That is something Uttara always compliant with me.
"Didi, how could you be so chill about this? If at all, I come to know Roshan eyeing someone, I would turn him inside out" Uttara's words made me laugh at her thought process.
"Uttara, I fell in love with your Bhaiya when I don't even know about what love means. I knew somewhere from the start that my love is always going to be one way. To me, love is something in which you only have the right to it. Its something personal and intimate. It's getting reciprocated or not doesn't matter. Others might think, my love is destroying me, but the truth is the love I have for your Bhaiya is my strength and that is what keeps me move forward" I could see the amusement in Uttara's eyes. Sometimes even I wonder how could I love someone this much that his physical presence never mattered but his thoughts mattered.