As I stood at the corner of the Maheshwari Mansion's Kitchen, tears brimming in my eyes. I looked away so that the trio ladies wouldn't see my weakness; my tears. Uttara who stood beside me held my hand in hers and pressed it slightly, showing her support and assurance. My Mom is currently complaining about my negligence towards the marriage topic, and according to her hypothesis- I have a guy in my life, and that's why I am trying to put off the marriage talks. Well, she is not wrong actually. Yes, I have a man in my life, but the only problem is that he doesn't know I love him.
"Ask her Poorna, who that guy is? and you, Swara, don't even try to lie to me. At least now. I am a woman, and I have experienced all the shit you are going through right now. Tell me, who is he?"
"Even if you kill me, I won't spell his name out because I know you and Appa will never accept him," I raised my voice, but Uttara calmed me down.
"Didi, calm down."
"Look at her audacity, when you know the end of your childish love story, then why are you not ready to marry Abhinav? He is a good guy, working with your Appa, the family is nice, and most importantly his family hail from South India. What more do you want Swara to live a happy family?" again that same sentence. 'What more do you want Swara?'
Well for starters I want Sanskar which you guys could never give me. I looked away again not wanting to lose my control.
Not able to take the things anymore, I ran off to my house and entered my room closing it behind. I sat near the foot of my bed and cried out loud not able to take this pain that is seeping through my heart like a knife slicing through the heart; slow and steady. The pain I am enduring for the past 9 years.
Sanskar Maheshwari.
The Man who swept me off of my feet with what? I don't know. I am still searching for an answer to this one question.
If you don't like or love someone, your eyes find thousands of errors in that person, but if you like or love someone, those words itself answer all your questions. That's what I felt for Sanskar. His existence in itself answers all of my doubts. I laughed reminiscing, the first time I felt an unknown emotion erupted in my heart.
It all started when I was 10 years old. I learned cooking from Mom and cooked Mutton Korma for the first time. I took it to Maheshwari Mansion in a casserole because it's my thing that if I do something new, I want to show it to everyone. My family and I hail from South India. As Appa works in the customs, he got transferred from Chennai to Kolkata. I was 5 years old when we came to Kolkata. Appa got a house in a colony near this big palace-like house, straight out of fairy tale. After two days we got to know it's the house of a big business family called Maheshwari's. Our family is a bit conservative, even though Appa and Amma try to be open-minded; they are not. But, Maheshwari's are lovely people especially Sujata Aunty. I met Sanskar, Laksh, and Uttara on the first day of my school. I still remember that till my 3rd grade Laksh used to drop me off to my classroom and picks me up in the evening. We used to visit each other houses during festivals and parties. As it was my first dish, I wanted to give it to everyone in the Maheshwari family. It was Sunday, so everyone was gathered for lunch and I waited eagerly for appreciation. All praised my hand made food except one, and that is Sanskar.
He is this dangerous guy who only has the power to make me stutter given in to my over-talkative nature. I could sense his presence just like that, and I shut my mouth like an obedient kid whenever he is around me. Like, I don't want to get into his bad books. Laksh and Uttara used to tease me a lot while Visha has no idea about it. Visha is this little baby for both Sanskar and Laksh, so mostly they keep her out of our gang.
His silence killed my smile and not even for once he opened his mouth. Suddenly, his words mattered to me the most above all the praising from elders. Every week, I tried to cook different dishes and bring it to the Maheshwari Mansion just to hear his words of praise, but it never happened.
I started to notice him everywhere. In school. In his home. His presence stirred something inside me.
I remember this one-day Laksh and Uttara suggested that we all go home together. I finished my extracurricular class a little late and when I reached the ground I saw Laksh and Uttara standing near the basketball court. When I reached there, the sight I saw left me dry mouth. Sanskar is playing, all sweaty, dribbling the ball across the court, and scoring a point. More than claps, I heard unbelievable gasps escaping from the mouths of those hippy seniors of mine. Then he went towards his bag and took the water bottle, pouring the water all over his head, and by one shake the water sprinkled from his overgrown hair. After I came back home, I felt something happened to my heart like I felt congested. I wanted to tell someone about how I felt about Sanskar, but no one was there for me. I know about my mom, so she is out of the view. Uttara and Laksh won't understand what I am going through, that's when Kanha ji showed me the way. I started to journal my thoughts whenever I get time. My Diary is everything for me. From my darker thoughts to sweet nothings, I wrote down everything. Everything was going fine until one day, Uttara found my sweet little secret.
Uttara is a year younger to me, but she started school even a year late. Visha was born when I was 8 years old to Durga Uncle and Poorna Aunty. So, she is the little princess to all of us.
Uttara one day caught me red-handed while I was writing about my feelings towards Sanskar in the school. I had no other choice, but to spill the tea.
"Didi, what is this? You like Sanskar Bhaiya"
"Uttara please don't tell anyone about this. Even I don't know what I feel for your Bhaiya. I am just 11, but I can feel some kind of attraction towards your Bhaiya. Please give me some time, to figure out everything." I took a lot of pleadings for Uttara to keep her mouth shut, but she stood by me like a true friend and sister.